what is the right thing to do?

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 1:00 pm

I have a sil who prefers to ask for favors than try to figure it out herself.
she's always been pampered, and used to having people do things for her. she thinks nothing of asking me to watch her kids after school so she can go food shopping.
I am not the only family member annoyed at having to drop everything and run to help her.

I am not the type to say no, and almost always do the favor she asks of me. typically I am able to, so I do. her attitude is beginning to annoy me though.
she is always overwhelmed, always busy, always unable to cope, always needs help.
and when I advised her to be sure and set up help for herself after she gives birth, knowing that she cant handle anything after birth, she agreed with me she needs it, and didnt do anything to try to help herself. she expects her family members to help her out as always.
yes she needs more help than the average woman, yes she has kids close in age, goes through PPD after birth, and generally doesnt manage well.
but I wonder, by always bailing her out of chaotic circumstances, are we crippling her? every time she calls from a dr office begging me to pick up her kids since she'll be late, (why did you schedule an appt half an hour before pickup?) or asking me to get her kids so her toddler can finish his nap without being woken up, I wonder why she has never learned coping skills in these common, non-emergency type situations.

what is the right thing to do? continue helping her? or stop?

zaq

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 1:29 pm

whoa, that's a toughie. you don't want to be an "enabler" of her learned helplessness, but neither do you want to be seen as the baddie.

I would start off slowly by saying no once in a while, let's say every 3rd or 4th favor she asks, without going into a long string of excuses. Just, I'm sorry, I can't do that this time. Then gradually say no more often till she realizes that she can no longer depend upon you to pull her chestnuts from the fire.

You can work only on her relationship with you, not on her relationship with anyone else. So long as she's not taking advantage of you, you don't need to worry about how she's treating everyone else. But there's nothing to stop you from passing this idea on to everyone else in the family if it works for you, wink, wink.

Lots of luck!

imasinger

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 1:38 pm

zaq wrote:

Great advice!

naomi2

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 1:42 pm

sound like she would benefit from a life coach. maybe shes not spoiled just has mild add. this is not a professional diagnosis. can you get someone to gently suggest a life coach? it will help everyone.

jade

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 2:43 pm

Is it possible that she has mental/emotional issues that cause her to truly be unable to cope where most people would? it's obviously up to you how much you want to help her out, but it sounds that what bothers you is that you feel she could cope if she put some effort in, and it is possible that she is simply not capable of putting in this effort. I agree that she might benefit from seeing a therapist, if there is any way for you to get this across to her tactfully.

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 4:21 pm

I see myself in your sil... Yes, continue helping especially if she has PPD. Daven for her too, that helps tremendously. She (hopefully) will start to stand on her own 2 feet eventually, even if it is 10 yrs after she got married.
She'll need someone to explain what help, and how to get help after having a baby, and occasional reminders to follow up. Even if you just give her the name of a person she can call who will then arrange meals.
If she doesn't realize she doesn't cope like other people, she'll need extra help. I don't have experience with that.
Hatzlocha.

mummiedearest

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 8:05 pm

The right thing to do is to learn to say no. Once you learn how to do that, you can decide when to say yes.

this is your sil, which means you are going to have some sort of relationship with her for the rest of your life, hopefully. if you don't make some necessary boundaries, you will just have resentment build up. yes, she may need the extra help, but that's not your responsibility.

about the ppd, there are ways to help her without doing things for her directly. for instance, you know she has a history of ppd already, so next time she gives birth, ask the sibs to chip in with you to get her a baby nurse for a few days/as long as you feel is reasonable to pay for. present this as your collective baby gift. do not get her extra items, tell her this is your gift to her. do not mention it to her too far in advance, she may say no thanks and ask for some outfits, which would enable her to ask you to come help her personally, which may be incredibly inconvenient for you.

know what you can do and tell her exactly what those things are. "I'm so sorry, I can't watch your kids past 2:30 pm. I have to take care of my own kids' bussing issues after that. why don't your bring nephew to come visit for coffee from 10:30-11:30? I'd love to have a visit, but I'm afraid babysitting is out of the question right now."

"sorry, I can't watch your toddler while you have an appointment. I'm busy that day. why don't you reschedule? I'm sure your doctor has an appointment available in the morning. and many doctors are willing to accomodate moms with kids in tow. if that doesn't work out, I'd be happy to recommend a babysitter. she has very reasonable rates."

"I'm so sorry to hear you're not feeling well. I can't cook supper for you guys, I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow... you know the local take out place delivers? I'll give you their number. you can have them deliver and pay the delivery guy or have your husband pick up the order on the way home from work."

I don't think you should turn her down every time she asks, especially if it's really no big deal for you. but boundaries do need to be set, and you need to learn how to do that. my sil and I are neighbors, and our kids are within the same age group. she works, I don't. so that means that when it comes to babysitter issues for her, I'm often involved in solving the problem. I don't mind this. she helps us out where she can. if we go on vacation, she takes in the mail for us. we both invite ourselves over to the other's house for shabbos meals upon occasion, and we'll occasionally have each other's kids over for shabbos lunch without the parents so the other one can get a break. we'll shop for each other (kid's clothes/groceries), split the cost of shipping on internet orders, and deal with school administration issues for our kids who attend the same school. we each know that we can say no if asked to do something that is inconvenient. I would not ask my sil to take my kids overnight when I give birth, the kids would party every night, and she'd never be able to juggle all the kids' transportation schedules for school. it's just not realistic for either of us. I would never ask her to watch my kids while I go to a doctor's appointment, though I would ask her to take the kids off the bus if I'm not back in time. some doctors are notorious for running late. neither of us feels the obligation to be at the other's beck and call, though if either of us knows the other needs it, we try to help out however we can.

in a nutshell, we get along very well, and help each other out very often. however, neither of us minds because we know that we can say no when necessary. neither of us is the other's crutch. you need a certain balance to get along with your sil, and you're not going to achieve that through agreeing to everything and resenting it. op, does your sil ever do you any favors? when she asks you to watch her kids so she can go to the doctor, do you ever say, "sure. can you pick up a few groceries for me on the way back?" do you try to balance this out, or are you really a doormat? I somehow suspect you don't ask her to do anything for you. start asking, and start saying no when necessary. if necessary, tell her that you love her but can't be her personal assistant. I know the amother with a history of ppd recommended you keep helping her, but bear in mind that helping her through ppd is a job reserved for her husband and her doctor. she may be avoiding the help she needs for her ppd if she knows that you can function for her. sometimes tough love is necessary. even if it's not, you have your own life and your own responsibilities. let her husband deal with her issues (phone calls, arranging meals, etc, as mentioned by amother).