How can we limit sites on High School grad daughter's Ipod?

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2011, 11:40 pm

At this age its hard to control what they do and dont do, otoh, she's a just starting college student and not working and relying on us for everything, financially and otherwise.

Ive noticed her visit certain sites that arent wholesome. Trust doesnt work here. She will do whatever she can get away with. She's got a huge curiosity. She has zero interest in anything or anyone Jewish, so any advice along those lines will NOT work.We've tried. She talks about living a freeer non-observant life in the future, but isnt going anywhere or doing anything contrary to our morals other than posting on the websites (as far as we know, but we're pretty confident about that).

What can be done?

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 12:29 am

September June wrote:

K9 has a free app that acts as a filter, I'm sure there are others as well.
There are also a very basic filter setting on the ipod touch. You will find them in the ipod settings.

Problem is she has been using it with no filter. How do we get her to use a filter now- she'll tell us its her Ipod.....I havent the faintest idea of how to operate an Ipod, never mind using a filter...

shosh

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:32 am

If she will allow you, you can go into the General settings and Restrictions, and then you can set Restrictions that only you can change because you need a passcode. You can decide if she can access Safari, YouTube, Itunes, installing Apps and even the camera. You can also decide the ratings of any movies, music etc that can be accessed - or none at all, and same with games.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:39 am

sequoia wrote:

She'll still visit whatever websites she wants on the school computers.

I completely agree with this sentiment. Your daughter will find those sites in other ways, if you restrict her there. She is a grown up and if she wants to she will find it.

grace413

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:40 am

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you need to come to terms with the fact that you cannot control what your 18 year old daughter does.

Obviously you are distressed that she is going in a direction you don't like - that's normal. But unless you keep her chained up (which I do not suggest) she will explore as she wishes.

You mention she is financially dependent on you. So you want to use this as leverage. You can do this to a certain extent - your continued financial support can be contigent on her observing mitzvot at home. But are you really going to demand she turn over her Ipod to you every Erev Shabbat? And if she calls your bluff, what will you do?

chavamom

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 3:24 am

grace413 wrote:

^Yup, that's pretty much it. She's an adult. As someone once told me, "once your children become teenagers, you job goes from being manager to director of sales". In other words, you have to sell them on it, not order them to do something. The days of you being able to control what she does or does not do are long gone and it's time to come to terms with it.

Raisin

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:59 am

We removed google and safari from my dds iPod. (she's 12). She can download any games she wants that we approve of, listen to music etc, send emails, but no Internet. We let her access the Internet on a regular computer when we are around, but a good rule for the Internet is to only use it in a public place.

At this age she is only really interested in games though. Not sure what we will do when she is older. When we got her the iPod is was with these conditions.

bigsis144

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 10:16 am

chavamom wrote:

grace413 wrote:

How long would you plan on controlling your daughter, in your ideal situation? Until she gets married and it's her husband's "achrayus"? (Note: I do not believe spouses should be each other's mashgichim either.)

lamplighter

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 10:37 am

She is 18, a legal adult and at this point control is just well controlling. She will find ways to do what she wants as she wants it. You can talk to her and hope to impress your lifestyle and wishes on her but her itouch?
You trust her to go to college (big bad world) and get married in the very near future, it's time to trust her with her internet. Her choices, her consequences.

ElTam

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:48 pm

Maybe I'm totally off my rocker here, but I grew up in a "my house, my rules" home. If the OP is paying for the iPod (I think she means iPhone, because iPod is a music player), paying for the service to access these Web sites, then she has every right to set rules.

If you want to call the tune, you have to pay the fiddler. Yes, of course as children get older, they get more freedom, because they have more responsibility, but if, for example, I find out my 18 year old is driving my minivan unsafely (no seatbelt, speeding, etc. and she won't listen to rules and will sneak to do what she wants, I'm not handing her the keys). You choose the action, you choose the consequences. That is lesson every adult has to learn.

Feel free to call me an idiot. My kids are younger, so maybe I don't know.

That being said, I think parents do have to know when to let go on things. But not on everything.

Barbara

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 1:50 pm

ElTam wrote:

The iPod Touch can access the internet through any open Wifi.

lamplighter

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 5:05 pm

I agree with what you said about the car but this is not a family car it's a personal entertainment toy.

If you bought the itouch and set up rules for it, then block the sites and hope it works. Personally, I believe that at this age, control over a toy is ridiculous and you're best bet is to have a discussion with her about internet use and sites.

ElTam

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 5:42 pm

lamplighter, I disagree that this is just about a "personal entertainment toy."

The internet can and had destroyed lives and families (affairs, [filth], online gambling, compulsive shoppping, etc.) So something that gets you on the internet, just like a car, is a tool that can be used for good or for ill.

Barbara

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 6:02 pm

ElTam wrote:

So how would you suggest that a parent go about confiscating a device that belongs to the adult daughter, changing its settings, and monitoring it in a manner that does not allow the adult daughter to change the settings back?

They can feel free to cut off WIFI in their home, but how do they stop her from going to the nearest Starbucks or B&N to use their free WIFI? Or using a neighbor's unprotected WIFI?

You can talk to an adult about WHY you think that some action or activity is a bad idea. You can even tell an adult daughter or son that if they insist upon engaging in such activity, they are no longer welcome in your home -- if you mean it. But you cannot take away an adult's toys or devices as if she were 9 years old.

ElTam

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 6:19 pm

Barbara, that's why I said what I said in my original post. As I said, I am the mother of young children, so maybe I am crazy and I don't know. I just know that we were raised with certain expectations of things that were acceptable and unacceptable. My parents were not afraid to be parents. An age does not make you an adult. Your behavior and level of responsibility does. I just grew up in a house with the expectation that if you lived at home and were financially supported, you followed the rules of the house. And if you didn't like it, you were welcome to become self-supporting.

In my house, the conversation would have been a simple one. "You will give me the iWhatever and I will install filtering software and a tracking tool. Or, I will take the iWhatever and you are free to buy a new one with your own money that you do not use in my house." I'm not saying that is right, I'm just saying that was the reality we knew.

BTW, I would give different advice if the OP had said she felt her daughter would be open to listening and respecting what her parents had to say.

achayl

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 6:27 pm

I, personally, think that banning the kids from the internet all together is a mistake. As the OP has now discovered, they grow up and will use it anyway. The need to be taught to to responsible and how to use the internet for the things they need.
Trust me, have you even been to a public library??? there are always bochrim/girls there on the computers watching movies etc. if they want it they'll get it.