What can I do do to help my DD?

amother

Sat, Sep 17 2011, 10:16 pm

Can someone please tell me what to do?

DD is brand new to her High school.
She knows no one.
She is lost. Very lost.
She is aching for a friend.
Someone to invite her over.
Someone to ask her to use her notes.
Someone to shmooze with.
To walk to and from school with.
Do I call the principal and explain the situation?
or do I just sit back and watch her suffer in silence.
How can she ever make a friend if the girls already have made friends?

Please Help.

naomi2

Sat, Sep 17 2011, 10:22 pm

firstly, in the begining of ninth grade everyone is busy sticking to old friends while they figgure themselves out. but things change soon and you can help her make friends. go through the class list and ask her which girls she likes. encourage her to smile in school and ask girls to come with her for lunch. teach her how to reach out and encourage her to do so. I think talking to the principle will make her into a nebach. and what can the principal do? force ppl to be friends with her??

lamplighter

Sat, Sep 17 2011, 10:23 pm

Does she have a mechaneches/homeroom teacher?

I think that would be the first place to start. See what she advises.

Starting high school is tough, without friends even harder. Encourage all her social attempts and outings. These things take time, sometimes a lot of time.

StrongIma

Sat, Sep 17 2011, 10:38 pm

only one hint - don't try to "help" her without asking her first if she's at all interested in you getting involved and telling her what you plan on doing - don't do anything that affects a teen behind their back. and she may actually want to care take of it all by herself. If that's the case, respect her age and maturity.

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 7:40 am

I agree - don't go behind a teenager's back, even for her own benefit.

I assume she's complained to you about it, or else how would you know? So talk to her about what she would want you to do about it. For a 6 year old, you can call her morah and tell her to help your kid make friends. Once you get to high school it's a whole other story.

To make you feel better - a lot of girls do start off the school year with friends. I started off with one very good friend from elementary school. But friendships change, and a few months into the year, we both had completely different friends. Girls going into high school are generally looking to make more friends.

Tell your daughter to find a girl that she thinks she would like to be friends with. Then she should call her up one day with a question about the homework, or something like that. And as time goes on, maybe they'll become friends...

Good luck! I'm very happy not to be in high school anymore. This reminded me why!

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 7:47 am

Nowhere in your post do you say that your daughter has made any overtures to make friends. Your entire posts basically reads "my daughter is new and is waiting for THEM to come to HER".

amother

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 7:59 am

YESHASettler wrote:

Nowhere in your post do you say that your daughter has made any overtures to make friends. Your entire posts basically reads "my daughter is new and is waiting for THEM to come to HER".

And your point?

Well, Perhaps you should post a few good suggestions as to how SHE might approach THEM.

amother

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 8:00 am

YESHASettler wrote:

Nowhere in your post do you say that your daughter has made any overtures to make friends. Your entire posts basically reads "my daughter is new and is waiting for THEM to come to HER".

I'm not the OP, but my dd has the same problem. Approaching other doesn't always work, because the times my dd tried to join others in the conversation at recess, she'd be either ignored, or get blank stares.

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 8:02 am

amother wrote:

YESHASettler wrote:

Nowhere in your post do you say that your daughter has made any overtures to make friends. Your entire posts basically reads "my daughter is new and is waiting for THEM to come to HER".

And your point?

Well, Perhaps you should post a few good suggestions as to how SHE might approach THEM.

Does she have two feet? A mouth? Open mouth, use voice.

I really don't see why you have to get defensive. She could just as easily walk up to a girl and ask to use her notes or invite her over to study or any number of things.

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 8:13 am

Making friends in high school can be difficult.

kb mentioned extra-curricular activities. Does the school have any? Joining a group will help her find other kids with similar interests. As they work together on a project or activity, they may find friendships developing.

Similarly, at some point in the school year the students may have some kind of group projects. Also, as students speak up and participate in class discussions, they learn more about each others' personalities. The term has just started; give it some time.

Monsey Mama

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 8:28 am

You could try, if you could afford it, buy her some beautiful things as a conversation starter. Buy her a real Prada or Kipling or Michael Kors bag or whatever the latest the girls want. Give her a few nice pieces of jewelry. Again, these are conversation starters. I would also let her offer rides home with you or really fun and interesting activities at your house or with you as an ice breaker.

My daughter is very shy and reserved. She came home from school telling me she is the most popular kid on the bus because her bookbag was real and not a knock-off. (I thought all the other girl's were real.) It went from there to a girl in the neighborhood walking with her from the bus stop and doing homework. I offer to pick up the girl so she did not have to walk and I made her real welcome. They also have gone ice skating.

My daughter gets a lot of attention because of her wardrobe. It is superficial; but my daughter is refined and not pushy. It helps the girls to come to her.

I wish I had more for you.

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 8:48 am

Monsey Mama wrote:

Yeah, because making your daughter the envy of all the other girls is a surefire way for her to make real friends.

Monsey Mama

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:04 am

I actually started buying her pretty things because she has scaring. She would come home in tears because of rude girls. I thought these things would distract the bullies. My daughter is quite defenseless. I thought if the girls noticed superficial things, they would leave off wounding her. I was to the point where I wanted to homeschool. Op and I just want our daughters to fit in.

My daughter may not have real friends, whatever that means; but she has girls that will rush to her defense. She gets invites and has phone conversations. If you know a better way, let me know.

I can't control if other mothers bring up their daughters to be rude and envious. I can only give my daughter good middos. Rude and envious girls are not of my making and will exist. Personally, I would rather my daughter be envied for her cloths than made fun of for her scaring and be lonesome.

Ruchel

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:10 am

Being envied can turn to pretty awful bullying, from cases I have seen much more agressive and more venomous than "just" bullying for looks. When the mean girls are jealous they feel inferior and hurt and need to take it out on someone. When they feel superior they don't have to crush someone as much.

I'm just saying this for your daughter. Maybe in her case it works, but I'm just saying to be careful.

MaBelleVie

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:19 am

I agree with Yesha's perspective. Most of the girls in my HS came from the same 8th grade, and we all knew each other. The ones who came in from other schools were most successful socially when THEY found ways to integrate themselves.

For example, one girl who lived near me passed by a couple of days on her way to school. Then one day she said, "do you mind if we walk together in the morning?" I said yes, because why not? And we became friends. Ask the girl sitting next to you a question about a school assignment, even if you already know the answer. Make up things to ask people! The more you open your mouth, the more they will notice you and turn to you for advice when they need it. Compliment sincerely- "Love your shoes! Where'd you get them?" When she responds, ask her what camp she went to. Use the compliment as an opening to further conversation.

Making her the envy of other girls is a bad idea. Either they will be jealous, or they will think she is snobby and ignore her. It's important to fit in; being above everyone else accomplishes the opposite.

Monsey Mama

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:22 am

B'H, I have not seen the aggressive and venomous side to these girls. At this point, the positive attention is better than the negative attention.

I was afraid the bullying about her looks would affect her self esteem; and she would "own" their opinion of her.

I was just tying to help op with something that worked. No one was helping her.