What can I do do to help my DD?

BeershevaBubby

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:24 am

You mean no one was telling her what she wanted to hear. I think my suggestion was helpful - that the daughter shouldn't expect the welcome wagon to come to her.

Look, high school is rough for a lot of people. I HATED high school socially. I had a handful of friends with fingers left over. But these 3 or 4 girls were TRUE friends. They didn't want to be my friend for what I could do for them or for the fact that I had a $500 handbag.

TzenaRena

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 10:09 am

Posted: Yesterday at 10:23 pm Post subject:

lamplighter wrote:

Does she have a mechaneches/homeroom teacher?

I think that would be the first place to start. See what she advises.

Starting high school is tough, without friends even harder. Encourage all her social attempts and outings. These things take time, sometimes a lot of time.

although others are saying not to do something behind a teenager's back, I still think this is a good suggestion. Parents want to know how their son or daughter is doing, and there is nothing wrong with contacting her mechaneches and asking that. The conversation can be steered to asking her how her daughter seems to be adjusting socially, being that it's a new school. OP can then ask her to keep an eye out for her dd, and any understanding mechaneches will do that.

There are many opportunities to pair girls up for chavrusah's, working on projects together, G.O., or Bnos activities. It would be a shame to leave it all to chance, when the mechaneches can facilitate it so easily.

I do agree with Yesha's invaluable suggestions as well.

Quote:

She could just as easily walk up to a girl and ask to use her notes or invite her over to study or any number of things

I was that new girl so many years back, and never received advice on how to make friends when I landed in a class with an unfriendly dynamic, it would have made a world of difference, but most parents then had no clue.

That's why I am so attentive to when my dd tells me about her school social issues and concerns, and don't just listen; we discuss every incident, devise strategies.

Monsey Mama

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 11:27 am

de_goldy, I did not say that I bought her the stuff to make friends. I bought her the stuff to deflect from a deformatity she has that the girls were making her very upset over. It worked. Thank Hashem if your daughters look normal. I wish I could.

In meantime, it has the effect that the girls admire her. I am not saying it is correct. It just worked. My daughter is working on coping mechanisms.

I still see nothing wrong. The wrong I see is the mothers who have rude children. My daughter is not the type to flaunt anything. She is very introverted because of the girls. I dd not start the trends. I honestly did not know the other girls were buying knock-offs.

Go look to the community itself which worships labels. I did not set the styles.

Culturedpearls

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 6:50 pm

I can relate to this post in a very personal way as I was such a child only 10 times more.
I was a relatively new immigrant from the former USSR & always felt out even as a 9 year old.
Fast forward to 13 & I spent many a lunch time in the library. It was hard but very character developing.
A few things which helped: 1. Dress like everyone else 2. Same hairstyle 3. Use class time to make your voice heard & strike up friendships.
I became a very good student (a result of spending so much time in the library). I would participate very vocally in all classroom discussions & would interact with whomever was sitting next to me.
I was very shy & could not approach large groups so shining in the classroom was the easiest .
With time girls wanted to be my friend because of my grades etc & I became part of a "studious" group.
It wasn't the popular one but those girls weren't me.
I feel it's important not to push a child to be something she's not, she needs to find her own way to shine.
I was also very artistic & got tons of attention for that. Find something that your daughter is good at & build on that. Build her up from within & she will have the confidence to make friends.
I have had ample opportunities with my own children to help them socially, often speaking to a particular teacher, music lessons , art lessons whatever it took to build up a shy kid.
This is not a place to discuss my school years in detail but they were very difficult till about 16. My eyes fill with tears at the memory. But they made me the person I am today.

Barbara

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 9:51 pm

She may need help with her social skills. There are people who can help with that.

Other than that, some ideas:

(1) She needs to make idle chit chat with the girls who sit near her, are in line at lunch, etc. Compliments are always good ice breakers. *Wow, that's a great necklace*

(2) She shouldn't approach large groups of girls, or girls engrossed in conversations. Go up to groups of 2, or single girls who appear to be just chatting.

(3) Join a club, something she's interested in.

(4) Ask a girl something. What pages did Mrs. Schwartz say we have to read? Was that 1 though 5 or 1 through 9? By the way, I'm Ruth.

Also, you should make sure that she doesn't stick out in a bad way. If everyone at her school wears X shoes, it doesn't matter that her Y shoes were the hottest thing in her old school, and are still in good shape. Let her fit in until she's comfortable enough to be different.

Its not easy at the beginning. But she WILL make friends.

adina

Sun, Sep 18 2011, 11:18 pm

I agree with Monsey Mama. Sometimes you have to buy or do something for your child to give them confidence. My son was being left out of games in school b/c he doesn't have a big mouth and isn't the greatest in sports. I bought him an expensive basketball and the kids were falling over each other to play with him. Fast forward a few months and they are still playing with him even though they moved on from basketball to hockey and ds doesn't have an extra special hockey stick. It was a great ice breaker and I don't regret spending the extra money at all.

marina

Mon, Sep 19 2011, 10:28 pm

Monsey Mama wrote:

I actually started buying her pretty things because she has scaring. She would come home in tears because of rude girls. I thought these things would distract the bullies. My daughter is quite defenseless. I thought if the girls noticed superficial things, they would leave off wounding her. I was to the point where I wanted to homeschool. Op and I just want our daughters to fit in.

My daughter may not have real friends, whatever that means; but she has girls that will rush to her defense. She gets invites and has phone conversations. If you know a better way, let me know.

I can't control if other mothers bring up their daughters to be rude and envious. I can only give my daughter good middos. Rude and envious girls are not of my making and will exist. Personally, I would rather my daughter be envied for her cloths than made fun of for her scaring and be lonesome.

One of the saddest posts I've ever read.

Bleemee

Mon, Sep 19 2011, 10:48 pm

I don't know why everyone is against involving the principal- I think that the principal can give teachers the heads-up and try to put your daughter together with other girls in group work for class or extra-curricular clubs or projects or whatever.

Teachers/principals of 9th graders should be paying special attention to facilitate friendships among the girls.

Simple1

Mon, Sep 19 2011, 10:53 pm

Bleemee wrote:

Or if there is a mechaneches, or school counselor, that's an even better idea. There are a lot of opportunities for the school to arrange for the quieter girls to get more attention - school play, jobs, shabbaton groupings etc.

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 20 2011, 5:37 am

An "adult" intervening can encourage more 'underground' bullying or hypocritical "friendship" with mocking behind the adult's back. Or it can help tremendously. It really depends on the relationship between the adult and the girls, and the girls' vision of adults.

I am not trying to be negative, simply to tell you what I noticed in school, as a kid, parent and teacher.