Teen Issue Advice Please

amother

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 4:33 am

Let me start by saying, I feel I made the right decision....I just feel a little guilty/bad.

My son calls and tells me this story:

He started a new yeshiva recently (so can profess to not know all the rules). Anyways, someone had a laptop there 'illegally'. This boy left it out and a roommate of his was playing on it. My son comes in and hangs out with the kid. Next an administrator comes in sees it and confiscates it. Of course all are upset. The owner and kid using it knew the rules. I'm pretty certain my son would know that too even without being told. So they come up with the idea that my son should go to the rabbi and say it was my sons laptop and please give it back because he's new here and didn't know the rules. So my DS did this and the rabbi tells him I'm sorry we have rules we don't want this sort of distraction here, ect. He tells my son if you have a parent call and ask for it then I can return it.

So now two weeks later with pressure from his friends he gets the courage to call me and to ask me to request the laptop back. I pretty much told him I didn't want to get involved and this is his mess and he needs to deal with it. I'm upset he even told the rabbi it was his. But, who knows exactly what parts of his story are 100% true. Anyways, I said have the kid who it belongs to deal with it or the kid who got it taken away. And he says this is not right, these are his new friends, how uncool, ect ect.

I do feel bad, but I also think he needs to learn a little here and deal with the consequences. Advice please anyone???

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 4:45 am

Don't get sucked into this!

Encourage your son to go to the rav and tell the truth. YK is coming, and he needs to get this off his chest. He's a kid, he made a bad judgment, but he's also not a baby. Part of becoming a man is learning how to take responsibility for your actions, and be brave enough to face the consequences.

This can be a great learning opportunity for him. Empower him to be strong, have good character, and be proud that he can correct the error. Tell him that you have faith in him that he'll do the right thing, and keep the conversation positive. If he feels like he's being scolded, he'll be less inclined to want to set things right.

Make sure you tell him how proud you are that he felt he could come to you with this problem, and let him know that the door will always be open.

Oh, the joys of parenting!

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 6:43 am

I'm not sure...

I am a big believer that schools should not make rules that are going to be broken. In this generation, that means, any rule about no computers, no cell phones, no cameras, no drivers licence... is definitely going to be broken. Rather than make such rules, I believe schools should set guidelines - ie - if the problem is internet and worrying about where the students are going to go, provide the internet with a mega filter - so they can get their emails, etc, but without breaking rules. It's good for kids not to have to break rules.

In this case, obviously, the rules will be broken again - whether you help your kid out or not. The only problem I have with this is the lying, not the rules being broken. I'd tell my son I'm not happy that he lied, and that in the future if he lies I will not bail him out. Now he has a warning. But I would bail him out just this once. And next time, your son will know if he lies you won't help him. Obviously, they'll come up with some other, just as ineffective punishment (because they're gonna keep on bringing those computers!)

shalhevet

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 7:01 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

:

kb, firstly if you know anything about education, you would know schools need to set rules to a HIGHER standard than that they actually want, to allow difficult teenagers the satisfaction of having "broken the rules". If a school doesn't allow computers, someone will bring one. If they allow computers but only filtered internet, someone will bring filtered. And if they allow unfiltered internet...

Obviously your experience of this generation is limited to a particular type of school. I can assure you there are many yeshivas which don't allow computers or cell phones or other things you list, and most or all of the bochrim keep the rules.

OP, DO NOT GIVE IN. YOU WILL TEACH YOUR SON IT'S OK TO LIE. Apart from all the other anti-chinuch problems.

Dandelion1

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 9:36 am

"Bailing him out" would require you to call up the Rebbe and lie to him directly. Fabricate a complete lie. Who could even stomach that, in addition to the incredibly dishonest message you would be oking to your son. FTR, I tend to be something of a pushover, in general and with my dcs, but my response to this would be "you're kidding, right?"

imasinger

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 9:43 am

1) I wonder if the young man should go on his own to the rabbi/menahel to confess before YK, or if he should try to convince the other 2 to come with him.

2) I rather doubt that the rebbe believed him anyway. Unless it was a huge class, he probably had a pretty good idea of the bochrim he was dealing with, and what was really going on. Just a hunch.

3) If that incident is indicative of the middos of the yeshiva, you may want to keep paying attention to details as to whether or not it's the right place for your DS.

morah

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 10:04 am

You (or maybe your husband) may want to have a little discussion with your son about friends and peer pressure. It sounds like he's conflicted about the whole business and also worried about making and keeping friends. Now seems like a good time to talk about what makes a good friend, how if these guys are going to be mad at him or make problems for him, he should find someone else to befriend.

Chayalle

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 10:04 am

Good point, previous poster. I'd be worried if my kid was hanging around with "friends" who are willing to put him up as their poster, to get into trouble for them. They are manipulating him.

I would definitely NOT lie, not this once nor any time. It would be a terrible lesson (and who knows what situation he would get himself into next time, that he would feel warrants you lying for him again?)

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 1:02 pm

morah wrote:

Excellent point, and Chayalle's too! (Sorry Chayalle, I don't know how to put two "quotes" in one post, but yours should be quoted too.)

Kids will figure out pretty quick who's naieve, and who is eager to please others in order to be accepted. OP, your son sounds like a very sweet kid. Let him know that he's "better than that" and that he doesn't need to get involved in shenanigans in order to be liked.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 1:12 pm

You did right. He did wrong. It's just too bad they are his new friends. He was tested - "can this new kid be made to play patsy? " and he failed totally. Slippery slope. You simply don't lie. Not to cover others' boneheadedness, anyway. If he had stood up for himself, he would have gained a few admirers and a few enemies, but the admirers are worth more than the enemies.

This is serious, and a FATHER has to take over here. Lucky for this DS he has a fine mother, but it is MAN TIME. Leave the room and let him get the woodshedding he badly needs to learn that integrity is not for sale.

Hooray for the Rabbi who wouldn't buy it.

No machinations. No holding the door open of the pay toilet for your friend. No using Suzy's discount card that was only meant for her.

None of that er, stuff.

If there is no purity, what is there.

Hugs. You get the Mommy prize.

"Now, honey, leave the room 'coz DS and I have some discussing to do. In fact, go to your friends' for coffee."

auntie_em

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 1:16 pm

There has already been great advice given so I will just add this:

Won't the Rebbe wonder why immediately after returning the laptop to your son (after your phone call), your son then turns and gives it to the other boy? What if the Rebbe says, "Thank you for calling Mrs. Cohen. Please pick up the laptop and take it home with you or have your DS come get to take home."

No, Op. You absolutely should not bail him out of this. This is a great chance for him to learn about peer-pressure and to see how one little lie becomes another and another. Better now when he is young, and it is expected that he is learning these things.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Oct 06 2011, 1:24 pm

auntie_em wrote:

Right.

Oh goody. He wants to actually drag his own mother in as an accessory. Sweet.

The scale may be tiny- a bunch of kids still in school - but the dynamic is real ugly, and the scale gets bigger later. Perhaps DS can still take a deep breath and mentsch up and tell his buddies, look this was dumb from the beginning and I am not interested in this little problem any more. Then he should say and do nothing about it any more, and go on. He should apologize to the Rabbi, say he was weak, and ask for guidance. This will position him nicely to replace the Rosh when the Rosh retires and lead to a glorious career. There will also develop a need for some replacement friends, and there will be some lumps to take.

You see how it is so good to be made a woman? We don't have much of this. BH!

Merrymom

Mon, Oct 17 2011, 1:22 am

I don't think the problem so much is all that happened but rather that your ds actually thought you'd lie for him!! I'm sitting here amazed, absolutely amazed. Also that you needed validation that you're doing the right thing. My kids wouldn't dream of calling me because I'd probably call the principal and get my own child in trouble for having the audacity to lie!! I'm amazed, really.........