when you know someone is a "baal loshon hora"

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 7:30 pm

This is sort of a sensitive question, and I don't know what to do about it. I know a woman who pretty much has nothing good to say about anyone. She complains about her husband, her friends, her rabbis, my friends. She'll tell me that literally everyone she knows is a nebach who she befriended only because she feels sorry for them, for this and that reason (insert list of loshon hora about people who I know and love). From what I can tell, she's barely frum these days (brags about bullying her rabbis into giving her the psak she wants, walks around in tight pants and minidresses in public, never ever ever davens anything). But what concerns me most is the loshon hora, and the fact that the halacha says we're supposed to rebuke them/warn people/stop it from happening.

I couldn't confront her then, because due to a sort of weird situation I was living with her and didn't want to risk getting thrown out by such a volatile woman. She will rarely speak badly of people to their faces, so I wasn't sure what she thought of me and...didn't really want to find out.

I would probably leave well enough alone and just limit my contact with this woman, except she's a teacher. She mentors BT's, pre-converts, new converts, etc., and I really don't think they should be learning from her. Her negativity and cynicism are enough to scare anyone away (nearly pushed me off the derech but fortunately I had the sense to get away from her). And it's not limited to individuals, either--she consistently badmouths the frum community, Israel, rabbis, chareidim, frum men, kollel wives, etc.

Confronting her isn't going to do any good. I know from experience that she doesn't listen to anything anyone has to say. But, she and I have many mutual friends, and I wonder: should I be warning people to stay away from her, if only so they don't listen to LH? Should I warn people not to send any curious souls her way? Rabbis I've spoken to have said absolutely (now listen, I didn't ask these rabbis for a psak, so I'm not actually bound by their advice), but the problem is that the frum world is very small and she has a lot of power and I...really don't want to make any enemies. (Hence why I'm posting anonymously.)

(This woman is NOT, by the way, on this site.)

So...what should I do???

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 9:59 pm

I have a similar and interesting problem but I am very careful about lashon harah but find that my mil speaks alot of loshon horah about my other sister in laws and her other children. And of course it's always juicy and makes me feel better about being her "normal" or beloved daughter in law. so it makes me feel good and I don't know how to stop it.. also I really don't want my children to be effected by the way she speaks of other people. I know my husband is already that way and it's so hard for me to teach him to see the best in people. anyway I don't have a solution for you I'm just saying I hear you and undestand how hard it is.

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 10:12 pm

And I have two sil's, one from each side, who aren't only loshon hora yappers, they are carriers as well! And they even know each others! So all my maasim are carried back and forth between the two, and somehow one of them is at one point stupid enough to "tell me" what the other sil has to say about me!!!!

You know what? I now avoid them BOTH! The damage is that I lost two sil's, but too bad. The aggravation just wasn't worth it.

amother

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 10:28 pm

amother wrote:

How are you sure this woman isn't on imamother?

bluebird

Sun, Oct 23 2011, 11:27 pm

amother wrote:

(This woman is NOT, by the way, on this site.)

So...what should I do???

How are you sure this woman isn't on imamother?

It sounds like she'd be adding imamother to her list of badmouthing if she were, and that OP has heard no complaints. Very Happy

OP, I once had a situation like this. I finally told the offender that I would prefer it if she did not discuss these matters with me as I found that they influenced my opinions of others based on hearsay, and that it made me feel uncomfortable and negative. She didn't really talk to me after that and I don't miss the interaction. Things were pretty frosty, though.