Shld I send my twins to 2 dif high schools? HELP!

Optione

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 6:24 pm

I don't have experience as a mother in this situation, but there are a couple of factors at hand:

1. As individuals, do you think that one of the HS is a good fit for both of them?
2. Are there multiple classes? Just dividing them into different classes should be enough separation.
3. What is their relationship like? Does one feed off of/hold back another?

If they behave as individuals (even if they have the same friends. interests, etc.) then I don't believe that it's necessary to separate them. Good Luck!

amother

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 6:49 pm

Optione wrote:

I will answer #3 first. They are good friends and they fight, like many brothers do - twins or not. But one is more social and the other a bit dependent on his brother socially. Twin A has friends, but none of those relationships are as close as the friendship he has with his twin brother. Twin B is somewhat dependent on Twin A academically too, as he will get help from him in some subjects.

Ques #2: They have always been in the same school, but in parallel classes. However, now in junior high they end up having the same English teachers.

They do act as individuals, but I feel that the one weaker academically is constantly comparing himself to his brother and always comes out lacking in his own eyes (though he's a pretty good student himself, just struggles to get the good grades). I wonder if separating them would help them to grow as individuals and prepare them for life when they won't have each other to depend on.

Ques #1: One school is a known and the other has a good reputation but to us, an unknown.

Thanks for your interest and for helping me to clarify.

amother

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 8:54 pm

No. I don't think you should separate them. My brothers were identical twins. One was stronger than the other academically. The stronger one pulled the weaker one up. The weaker one is very successful b'h in his field. He would not be in his profession if not for the stronger one. I can't reveal details because my sil is on this site.

I have twins also. I will not separate them when the time comes.

Both my brothers and my daughters are really close. Being a twin is a special bond.

amother

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 9:27 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you for your unique perspective on this. Other mothers of twins have been encouraging me to separate them! Good to know, I am not the only mother who may not think it's a good idea!

RachelEve14

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 9:52 pm

My twins are only 7, but I would look for the school best for each child.

My friend just sent her twins to "high school" (here they switch in 7th grade). They each chose a different school.

Everything staying as it is, mine will probalby go to the same school because the girls' high school here is excellent, and there is no reason to look non locally for 7th grade. If in 9th grade one or both wanted to switch schools, I would approach it the same way as any other set of siblings, seeing what was best for that child.

Fox

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 10:03 pm

The identical twin bond is very strong, and you're right to be concerned about separating them for no particular reason.

Perhaps I'm a little overly-sensitized to this today: one of my identical twin DDs had tonsil ablation and an adenoidectomy this morning. Boruch Hashem, she's doing great, but as she awoke from anesthesia, her first request was to talk to her twin. She was holding my hand . . . but she really wanted her twin! I ended up calling the HS and having her twin pulled out of class to talk to her (the "conversation," of course, was pretty one-sided at that point!) via cell phone.

When we left the hospital, I told the recovering twin that we would pick her sister up early from school. Well, this changed her whole outlook. She sat up in the car, much perkier, and asked if we could pick up her twin on the way home rather than waiting until later. Okay . . . done!

While our recovering surgical patient lounged on the couch all afternoon and evening, her twin barely moved from her side. She escorted her to the bathroom; helped her into bed this evening; and literally waited until she was certain her sister was completely asleep before going to bed herself.

I'm sure mothers of identical twins have read stories about how twins sometimes experience physical manifestations of each others' experiences, and my twins had their first significant experience of that today, too: while her sister dozed, the non-patient twin asked me quietly if "anything had happened" at 8:34 a.m. this morning. Since the surgery was scheduled for 8 a.m., she assumed that her sister was already in surgery by then. "Yes," I told her, "they were running a little late; that's exactly when they started the surgery."

Apparently she had suddenly felt so weak and ill at exactly 8:34 a.m. that she had to leave class. She was terrified that something had gone wrong with the surgery . . . or thought that she was just making things up. I assured her that she wasn't crazy -- that lots of twins have these experiences.

I realize I've wandered far afield of the OP's question about boys and HS. As you can imagine, the whole experience has left quite an impression on me about the strength of twin bonds. So, yes, force the boys to speak with you individually about their thoughts and take their preferences into consideration. But don't assume that separation is always the best strategy.

amother

Tue, Jan 03 2012, 10:41 pm

Fox wrote:

My twin daughter has had half a dozen surgeries. Her and her twin have had similar reactions. Weird, isn't it?

mummy-bh

Wed, Jan 04 2012, 1:09 am

Fascinating!

My twins had a similar situation. One had an eye surgery which involved a general anesthetic when they were 2 years old. I went with to the hospital, dh stayed home. When the nurse came for us to go down to the OR, I quickly called home to tell everyone that it was now time to say tehillim. About 15 minutes later, the twin who was at home started crying uncontrollably and couldn't be comforted for about 20 minutes. That was *exactly* the time of the surgery, as soon as dd being operated on was sewn back up, dd at home was quiet.

red sea

Wed, Jan 04 2012, 5:54 am

ftr, I don't have twin experience ;

I would do whats best for them, if the same school was best, I'd put them in the same school.

I also would talk with each individually about which school they prefer to go to, twin aside and let them make individual decisions based on themselves and the schools just like non twins.

If they both want the same one, I'd go with it unless you see one twin is itching to get individuality and wants that separation, which they may not say out loud but you can probably see it.

Barbs

Wed, Jan 04 2012, 6:06 am

It really depends on the twins.
Being an identical twin myself, me and my sister wanted to be in the same school (even wanted the same class)! The principal didn't like the idea of identical twins in the same class, however, we put up a fuss and one year they let us be together just for English. Personally, that was the best year of English!
We were able to study together.....
I would have been miserable if I were sent to a different high school. (One summer, my parents decided to send us to different sleep away camps in the Catskills. THAT, was a miserable summer for both of us!)

mom2cutee is an identical twin too. I wonder what she thinks?

amother

Wed, Jan 04 2012, 7:15 am

amother wrote:

There are other factors. It is absolutely great if you can keep them home for high school or close by. If one will be a korban, I.e. have to go out of town or somewhere that's not necessarily best for him, etc. don't do it.
And you always have the option to send away say for 11th grade if you need it.
I come from a family of close knit twins, some of whom needed more distance than others.

OP here. This is a good point, but BH in our situation we have a choice and one need not be the "korbon". We are keeping both home either way.

red sea wrote:

Of course I want to do what is best for each as an individual, but it would be naive for me to disregard their twin status as a factor. It may not be the most important factor, but it must be taken into consideration. I can't pretend they are not twins, because they are, and being together or separate will make a difference in their high school experiences.

Thank you all for making such good points.
I still feel very hesitant about this decision, so if anyone else has another perspective, I'm all ears!

STMommy

Wed, Jan 04 2012, 9:39 am

Hi, Op, you wanted another perspective so here I go.
I am a twin. Our parents sent us to two different middle and high schools. It was the best decision in the world for us. I am very strong academically but less strong socially, my twin the opposite. I went to a very academically rigorous school where I had my chance to make a name for myself with my grades, win awards, befriend other brainiacs, etc. My sister went to a much more academically chilled-out school where she had a zillion friends and even got some extra academic help where needed.

I hope this helps you and good luck! Smile