This guy is completely inappropriate at times. Help!!!

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:13 pm

I happen to live in a community where a guy that I went out with seriously (right before I met my husband) also lives. Now, I try to have nothing to do with him or his family just because it feels a bit weird.
But sometimes he is so inappropriate with things that are connected to me that I dont know what to do with myself sometimes.
Maybe you guys could give me some advice on this. I will give you a few examples:
Just today, a relative of mine happened to be on the bus at the same time that this guy was on the bus. They were both coming back to where we live. The guy recognized my relative (maybe as a shabbat guest sometimes) and started asking personal questions about my decision about being a SAHM. That is none of his business. He asked my relative a few more questions that are nobody's business except mine and my husband.
He also once complimented me on a hat that I was wearing shock

In my life I never experienced that before, that a married man, other than my husband, should compliment me like that.
He also sometimes goes out of his way to say good shabbos to me.

Would any of you have any thoughts of what I can do so that this guy goes away? It freaks me out. I mean, I hope that he is happily married. I dont like this at all. It is very uncomfortable when he does these things.

black sheep

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:16 pm

is your husband aware of the situation? because your husband can say to him in kindof a joking way, and not in front of others so he doesn't get embarrassed, hey keep away from my wife. that can scare a slightly inappropriate guy into behaving. another option is to completely ignore him. eventually he'll think you're rude and give up trying to be friendly, or whatever it is he's doing.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:20 pm

Merrymom wrote:

How did the situation with the hat come up? Did he just walk over to you and compliment you out of the blue?

Yup, completely out of the blue. We all happen to walk in the same direction home from shul and he passed me and complimented my hat. I was so weirded out.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:21 pm

black sheep wrote:

Yes, my husband is completely aware of the situation. I am not sure if my husband has it in him to "scare" the guy. My husband is a complete softy. I dont think he could do it, but I will ask him.
As for ignoring him, I try not to go anywhere near him, but it seems to come up anyway..........

Merrymom

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:31 pm

I think he's trying to intimidate you or your dh. He might not have been able to marry you but he can still get to you emotionally. Don't let him get away with it. Next time tell him "Thanks, but why don't you save your compliments for your own wife". Don't worry about his reaction, he deserves to be told off if this isn't a normal thing to do in your circles.

Dandelion1

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:41 pm

you don't mention your type of community-- in some it would not be considered odd at all to say "good shabbos", or "nice hat".... are you from a community where there is no social discourse acceptable between men and women, or does it just bother you that he talks to you at all?

Merrymom

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:49 pm

marina wrote:

Maybe I just have more tolerance for inappropriate behavior, but if someone complimented me on my hat, I'd say.... thanks, I like your suit.

Then I'd look into booking a hotel room.

I'm assuming this isn't normal behavior in the op's community otherwise she never would have posted it.

yummymummy

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:51 pm

I'm with Candyheart on this. Asking your relative about your SAHM situation was at worst being nosy, but complimenting your hat and saying good shabbos are perfectly normal social interactions. You're being way too sensitive. Just say "thanks" or reply "good shabbos" and continue on your merry way.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:41 pm

candyheart wrote:

I live in a MO community. I was not saying that saying "good shabbos" is inappropriate, no, thats totally normal, but the complimenting me, thats weird. I mean, if it was something that all men and women did to each other then fine, but never has any other male complimented me, ever (obviously my husband does, but thats a given) To me, a married man, not my husband, should not be giving me a compliment.

Depressed

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:41 pm

marina wrote:

Maybe I just have more tolerance for inappropriate behavior, but if someone complimented me on my hat, I'd say.... thanks, I like your suit.

Then I'd look into booking a hotel room.

Thank you marina . Am I the only one who thought this chick is neurotic with a capital N.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:45 pm

marina wrote:

Maybe I just have more tolerance for inappropriate behavior, but if someone complimented me on my hat, I'd say.... thanks, I like your suit.

Then I'd look into booking a hotel room.

Can you please explain what this has to do with a hotel room? I should leave my community? I dont get it.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:47 pm

Depressed wrote:

marina wrote:

Maybe I just have more tolerance for inappropriate behavior, but if someone complimented me on my hat, I'd say.... thanks, I like your suit.

Then I'd look into booking a hotel room.

Thank you marina . Am I the only one who thought this chick is neurotic with a capital N.

I am the OP.
Didnt your mother ever teach you that if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all?

Gosh, I come here with a question and I get such a lovely response!!!! Wow, its a good thing I dont know you in real life. Thanks for making me cry. Exploding anger

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:49 pm

yummymummy wrote:

OP again. Its normal for a married man to compliment another woman that is not his wife? I find that very hard to believe. In no community (all MO) that I have ever lived in is that a normal thing.
Ok, about the SAHM stuff being nosy, that I can totally agree with, but the compliment? Really?

Ruchel

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:50 pm

I would have said so, until I learned my own husband considers it weird to go out of your way to say shabbat shalom to the opposite gender, and even VERY disrespectful to the person's spouse in some circumstances...

ora_43

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:53 pm

Are you the same amother whose dh threw a challah cover at her? Sorry to be nosy, it just seems like there's a pattern here with some recent threads.

Anyway. I'm surprised you've lived in so many MO communities and never had a man give you a compliment. OK, "you look hot in that hat" would be inappropriate, but just "nice hat" doesn't strike me as strange.

You seem to be a assuming that he should be acting the way you feel. You feel like the fact that you two dated is awkward, so he should feel the same, so he should act like any other man you barely know. But apparently he doesn't feel awkward, but rather, thinks the fact you two dated means he can act more friendly than he would otherwise (after all, you do know each other much better than the average man and woman).

IOW it's not that he's trying to be inappropriate, he just has a different idea of what your relationship is and therefore of what "appropriate" is for the two of you. Is my guess.