This guy is completely inappropriate at times. Help!!!

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 10:58 am

Quote:

Are you the same amother whose dh threw a challah cover at her? Sorry to be nosy, it just seems like there's a pattern here with some recent threads.

Sorry, I dont know what thread you are talking about.

Quote:

Anyway. I'm surprised you've lived in so many MO communities and never had a man give you a compliment. OK, "you look hot in that hat" would be inappropriate, but just "nice hat" doesn't strike me as strange.

I dont know what to say. I have lived in at least three MO communities and never have I or anyone I know had a married man compliment me. I find it inappropriate.

Quote:

You seem to be a assuming that he should be acting the way you feel. You feel like the fact that you two dated is awkward, so he should feel the same, so he should act like any other man you barely know. But apparently he doesn't feel awkward, but rather, thinks the fact you two dated means he can act more friendly than he would otherwise (after all, you do know each other much better than the average man and woman).

No, you misunderstood, or I wrote the post in a way that was not understandable. I dont feel awkward at all. I have completely moved on. I dont think about this guy at all. I guess he does feel more friendly than he should othewise.

Quote:

IOW it's not that he's trying to be inappropriate, he just has a different idea of what your relationship is and therefore of what "appropriate" is for the two of you. Is my guess.

You are probably right. He probably does just have a different idea of what the relationship is or should be.

mrs.morah

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 10:59 am

Depressed wrote:

marina wrote:

Maybe I just have more tolerance for inappropriate behavior, but if someone complimented me on my hat, I'd say.... thanks, I like your suit.

Then I'd look into booking a hotel room.

Thank you marina . Am I the only one who thought this chick is neurotic with a capital N.

Maybe im just "too chareidi" but never ever ever ever would I say its acceptable for another man who is not ur husband to compliment a woman on their looks or what theyre wearing! A man should keep his eyes to himself and his wife. Why should a man be checking me or my outfit out?? Thats digusting and not acceptable. And I dont think I would appreciate if my husband would compliment another lady. Its just a matter of sensitivity to tznuis maybe....

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:01 am

mrs.morah wrote:

Depressed wrote:

marina wrote:

Maybe I just have more tolerance for inappropriate behavior, but if someone complimented me on my hat, I'd say.... thanks, I like your suit.

Then I'd look into booking a hotel room.

Thank you marina . Am I the only one who thought this chick is neurotic with a capital N.

Mrs.morah, what you wrote is exactly how I feel. I am the OP. And as I said, I am MO and I feel that exact way too. Why should a man, who is not my husband, compliment me? Why not keep that for his wife?

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:05 am

OP -
I think whether other people feel it's appropriate to be irrelevant. What's important is that it makes YOU uncomfortable. Therefore, it is not ok. And to other posters, I think usually one can tell if a guy randomly says things to women or if he's saying it specifically to you because of the history between you two. If you are uncomfortable about it, then there's probably a valid reason why.

I agree with you, OP, that a man should not be complimenting how clothing etc. looks good on a woman that is not his wife.

black sheep

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:11 am

the original amother stated that this man's behavior makes her feel very weirded out. I don't know if it would bother me if a married man complimented my hat, but obviously it bothers her. and she feels that he is being too intrusive into her life. so for the posters who feel she is neurotic, maybe, we obviously never heard his side and maybe he is really just trying to be friendly. or maybe he is trying to intimidate her, as merrymom said. or maybe he just has no clue how to relate to women. whatever, the op wanted advice on how to get him to stop doing this, not questioning his intentions, so why is it necessary to make her feel bad? even if she is neurotic (which I don't necessarily think so) she still has a right to ask how to get a guy to stop paying too much attention to her.

and marina, your post made me laugh. sorry about that op, but marinas post was funny!

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:13 am

black sheep wrote:

I still do not get the post. Did she mean that the two of us should get a room together?

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:14 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

You are too nice.

Where is your icy look? Is it in the shop?

Don't you know how to give a death look? Make a blank face and lock eyes with death in your heart.

In fact, only you can scare him. DH would have to pay consequences but you won't.

Get busy. This is ugly.

When this guy comes up to me and says anything, I dont answer and usually look away or walk away. Is that not enough?

black sheep

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:15 am

amother wrote:

black sheep wrote:

I still do not get the post. Did she mean that the two of us should get a room together?

she was joking, she was not advising you to do anything. wow, chill.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:18 am

black sheep wrote:

amother wrote:

black sheep wrote:

I still do not get the post. Did she mean that the two of us should get a room together?

she was joking, she was not advising you to do anything. wow, chill.

OK, I just dont get it and would like to understand what she meant. Thats all.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:20 am

amother wrote:

mrs.morah wrote:

Depressed wrote:

marina wrote:

Maybe I just have more tolerance for inappropriate behavior, but if someone complimented me on my hat, I'd say.... thanks, I like your suit.

Then I'd look into booking a hotel room.

Thank you marina . Am I the only one who thought this chick is neurotic with a capital N.

Because, as you say so correctly, he is being inappropriate. Do not bother your head about "why". Why did the snake hassle poor Chava? What did he get out of it? Who knows?

Here is your silver lining: at least you didn't marry him.

I would like to emphasize that this is not trivial, and you should put a sharp, serious stop to it with one look. But, you have to mean it, or it won't work. Before you go to battle, expunge any remaining bits of feeling interested and flattered from your heart, which, as you are only human, may possibly be there. Few of us hate compliments. I would like to remark that your entire existence and happiness are on the line. Apart from that, it's lovely spring weather.

Barbara

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:23 am

amother wrote:

yummymummy wrote:

I'm with Candyheart on this. Asking your relative about your SAHM situation was at worst being nosy, but complimenting your hat and saying good shabbos are perfectly normal social interactions. You're being way too sensitive. Just say "thanks" or reply "good shabbos" and continue on your merry way.

OP again. Its normal for a married man to compliment another woman that is not his wife? I find that very hard to believe. In no community (all MO) that I have ever lived in is that a normal thing.
Ok, about the SAHM stuff being nosy, that I can totally agree with, but the compliment? Really?

Shrug. In my MO community, it is completely, utterly and absolutely normal for a man to say Good Shabbos to a woman, or to compliment her on her hat, watch, shoes, or pretty much anything else other than breasts or buttocks.

As to questions about your deciding to be a SAHM, those questions are regularly bandied about in our community as well. *I hear Suzy decided to go back to work. What's she doing? Who's watching the kids while she's at work?* *Ruthie is staying home? How are they handling it? Sharon would like to stay home, but I can't figure out how we can afford it.*

You may be particularly sensitive because you used to date him. Or maybe you're particularly sensitive, period. And that's OK. But you also need to take that into account when evaluating the situation.

justcallmeima

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 11:31 am

It seems to me that this guy has a different outlook than you on the nature of your relationship. He thinks that because you dated, you should sort of be friends, and he can compliment you on your hat or ask about your being a SAHM or whatever. You do not feel that way at all. It seems to me that the way to deal with it is openly and honestly. Call him up with your husband and his wife ALL on the speakerphone so there's no appearance that you are trying to have a private conversation with him. Be honest and straightforward. Obviously, when he talks to you and you look away, he's not getting the hint that you don't think it's appropriate for you to be friends. So just say it directly. "I don't feel comfortable when you talk to me like a friend. I know we dated but we have both moved on. I am happily married and I hope you are too and I would prefer if you would treat me as though I were another man's wife whom you don't know. Thank you. End of story. If he persists, then I would talk to his Rav with him and his wife and your husband in the room. That should work.

DrMom

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:15 pm

justcallmeima wrote:

If somebody and her husband wanted me and my husband to paticipate in a conference call to discuss the fact that my husband complimented her hat, I'd think she was insane and hang up. DH and I have better things to do with our time.

I think you are reading WAY too much into this.

His behavior (as you descibe it at least) sounds well within the range of normal; your reactions do not.

Dandelion1

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:18 pm

marina wrote:

I don't understand. If you saw a guy with a really nifty tie, like one with pictures of his kids or something, you wouldn't say "nice tie" to him?

I absolutely would. And if he gave me a "death stare" I would be very hurt. Or think he was imbalanced.

It seems to me, totally an issue of your community norms. In my community couples are friends with other couples. If the dh in one of our friend couples lost weight, for example, I would totally say "Chaim, looks like you dropped a few pounds, wow" This would be considered appropriate, and there would be no flirtation whatsoever implied. I can't say that my dh would neccesarily comment on a woman's clothing, but only because it might seem a little less than masculine to him, lol. But if he didn't go out of his way to call out good shabbos to a woman he knew who passed by, it would be considered rude and a breach of etiquette. I realize that this is not by any means the same in all communities. So again, none of the advice is very helpful without a clear idea of what is the norm by you.

yummymummy

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 12:19 pm

Barbara wrote:

amother wrote:

yummymummy wrote:

Exactly!

Depressed

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:15 pm

Barbara wrote:

amother wrote:

yummymummy wrote:

Shrug. In my MO community, it is completely, utterly and absolutely normal for a man to say Good Shabbos to a woman, or to compliment her on her hat, watch, shoes, or pretty much anything else other than breasts or buttocks.

As to questions about your deciding to be a SAHM, those questions are regularly bandied about in our community as well. *I hear Suzy decided to go back to work. What's she doing? Who's watching the kids while she's at work?* *Ruthie is staying home? How are they handling it? Sharon would like to stay home, but I can't figure out how we can afford it.*You may be particularly sensitive because you used to date him. Or maybe you're particularly sensitive, period. And that's OK. But you also need to take that into account when evaluating the situation.

Then again maybe she just went to a school and grew up being told that extreme gender segregation and tznius or the charedi perception of it, is the most important thing in life, it takes priority over the 13 ikarim, and other core Jewish values, its more important then socially and psycological normalcy and obviously it goes without saying that bain adom lchaveiro is irrelevant...

Depressed

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 1:19 pm

marina wrote:

Ah Marina dear, come to Lakewood. What if you are driving down the street and a guy walks rt in front of your car, totally spaced out. You honk him and he looks at you like how dare you disturb my sphere of holiness you filthy piece of tumah....