This guy is completely inappropriate at times. Help!!!

Isramom8

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 4:29 pm

There are various reactions to choose. When I was a newlywed and a guy kept commenting on my outfit, and went so far as to ask, "Is it silk?" shock

, I advised him quietly to focus on his own kallah's clothing.

Another man saw me arriving at a wedding, and said loudly, "You look beautiful!" (Not particularly. I really just look like an average middle aged women who makes a tzanua effort for a simcha.) I looked over my shoulder as if he MUST mean someone else and not possibly me, and moved on.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 4:30 pm

Depressed wrote:

Barbara wrote:

amother wrote:

yummymummy wrote:

I'm with Candyheart on this. Asking your relative about your SAHM situation was at worst being nosy, but complimenting your hat and saying good shabbos are perfectly normal social interactions. You're being way too sensitive. Just say "thanks" or reply "good shabbos" and continue on your merry way.

OP again. Its normal for a married man to compliment another woman that is not his wife? I find that very hard to believe. In no community (all MO) that I have ever lived in is that a normal thing.
Ok, about the SAHM stuff being nosy, that I can totally agree with, but the compliment? Really?

Shrug. In my MO community, it is completely, utterly and absolutely normal for a man to say Good Shabbos to a woman, or to compliment her on her hat, watch, shoes, or pretty much anything else other than breasts or buttocks.

As to questions about your deciding to be a SAHM, those questions are regularly bandied about in our community as well. *I hear Suzy decided to go back to work. What's she doing? Who's watching the kids while she's at work?* *Ruthie is staying home? How are they handling it? Sharon would like to stay home, but I can't figure out how we can afford it.*You may be particularly sensitive because you used to date him. Or maybe you're particularly sensitive, period. And that's OK. But you also need to take that into account when evaluating the situation.

Then again maybe she just went to a school and grew up being told that extreme gender segregation and tznius or the charedi perception of it, is the most important thing in life, it takes priority over the 13 ikarim, and other core Jewish values, its more important then socially and psycological normalcy and obviously it goes without saying that bain adom lchaveiro is irrelevant...

Oh please depressed will you just quit it already. your post was a load of made up rubbish. not surprised.
Do you know how to read? I assume not, because OP clearly stated she lives in a MO community. so nowhere does the "chareidi perception of segregation" and all that baloney fit in.
And besides, speaking of bein adam lchaveiro, I think you need to go learn about it yourself first.

vicki

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 4:46 pm

amother wrote:

Dolly Welsh wrote:

You are too nice.

Where is your icy look? Is it in the shop?

Don't you know how to give a death look? Make a blank face and lock eyes with death in your heart.

In fact, only you can scare him. DH would have to pay consequences but you won't.

Get busy. This is ugly.

When this guy comes up to me and says anything, I dont answer and usually look away or walk away. Is that not enough?

I think this is your problem. He must have sensed your coldness since either before or just after his comments and is confused how he has hurt your feelings. In my mixed, though predominantly Yeshivish, community saying Good Shabbos is just good manners but complimenting a hat, well, it depends. I would respond to his Good Shabboses in kind and give a small smile and nod at his compliments. No need to look away and walk away. Then forget about it.

amother

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 3:19 am

Depressed wrote:

Barbara wrote:

amother wrote:

yummymummy wrote:

I am the OP.
Depressed, if you would have read each reply, you would have seen that I wrote that I am living in an MO community. I also grew up with one. No gender segregation at all. and as for the rest of what you wrote, you have a very not nice way of replying to people. thats all I will say.

amother

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 3:23 am

Leesah wrote:

Why do some of you feel the need to make fun of the OP for her feelings?
And then turn the thread in to a let's-bash-those-awful-chareidim...

JUST GIVE ADVICE THAT WOULD HELP OP DON'T BE MECHANECH HER OR THE REST OF THE WORLD!!!

Thank you Leesah.

Also, as I wrote already a million times, I find saying good shabbos to be of course ok. I never said otherwise. it was the complimenting that felt weird to me.

Raizle

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 3:24 am

I totally don't get the responses on this thread.

I think we all know there are different types of women on this forum coming from different backgrounds and communities.
We all know that what goes down in one community is not acceptable in another.
We all know that there are different levels of comfort amongst women when it comes to relationships and communications with other men.

And what we all also know is that what one man can get away with saying and it will come across completely innocent due to that man's personality, persona etc, another guy may come across as plain creepy.

Personally I think it's really weird that he was asking about her private issues and choices.
He is either too interested in her or a total yenta!

As far as compliments go, Ok I hear that for some of you that's normal and acceptable but you do know that for many it's not so stop mocking the OP for feeling that way as obviously in her world it's not acceptable and if she's been giving him all the signs and cues that she's not interested in a friendly relationship and he STILL continues then even those of you that think it's acceptable should realize something is wrong here.

amother

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 3:35 am

Leesah wrote:

If it was happening with a guy I knew, I'd just ignore it and let it run it's course.

That is what I have been doing, letting it "run its course" but then out of the blue he does something else weird or what I feel to be inappropriate and it feels like all of my "hard work" of trying to ignore him goes down the drain. I guess I have to just try not to let it bother me a bit better.
Thanks.

ora_43

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 5:25 am

Leesah wrote:

The OP said she never saw that thread.
WHY do you have to be so offensive??? Really, I can compare your writing style to some other strange posts as well - oh, I guess you have multiple user names! Someone's in trouble now...

And if she was the OP of that thread? Is that so wrong?
She must be liar because she is amother, right?

I'm sorry to attack you like this but I am so SICK AND TIRED of the virtual abuse going on here.

Chv"s, I wasn't trying to accuse OP of lying at all. I'm actually glad you wrote this so I can clear this up. OP, sorry if I offended you.

What struck me wasn't so much a shared writing style as what looked like a shared thinking style. I imagine both OPs as being particularly sensitive and aidel, which isn't a bad thing, but then can lead to problems when they interpret others' actions through the lens of their own. IOW by not realizing that she is unusually sensitive to others in interpersonal communication, OP opens herself up to being hurt by what others see as normal. And to having her feelings misunderstood, since what is to her a clear message, is something most people aren't sensitive enough to pick up on.

All that is if they were the same person. Since they're not, it looks like I just way over-analyzed Very Happy

amother

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 5:28 am

ora_43 wrote:

Leesah wrote:

Ora, thank you.
And as I said, maybe I found it weird, getting a compliment from this guy because I never got any other compliment from any other married guy. Does that maybe make more sense? Maybe if other married men in my community also gave compliments to other married women, I would not be overly sensitive to this? Who knows.

Raizle

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 5:44 am

ora_43 wrote:

Leesah wrote:

yeah I agree with you that you way over-analyzed Tongue Out

seriously though, that other poster called her husband selfish and tried to paint her him in a very negative light and get us all to agree he was so bad;
while this poster refers to her husband as a total softie who doesn't know how to scare someone else.
They certainly don't sound one and the same to me.

Honestly, I really don't think this OP sounds overly sensitive at all. I think in her position I would feel the same way.

Also I want to say that sometimes a guy can be friendly and it doesn't feel like anything and other times a guy can be friendly and it feels creepy.

My4Jewels

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 6:34 am

OP I want to tell you that I think you are totally right in your feelings. I live in a very modern orthodox community. Couples are all friendly here too. I can't say that my self or any of my friends have ever received a compliment from somebody we used to date. Even if one could say that it's normal between men and women who are friendly to compliment each other (which I do not agree with either) people who have dated and are now married to other people should be more careful. I live in a community with somebody that I dated and we are careful to not have much to do with eachother. Outwardly polite, good shabbos etc but if he ever complimented me or asked a family member about me that would be so very inappropriate. You can't compare this situation to just another couple that the OP is friends with. It's different when you have dated the person. Anyways, I don't know what I'd do OP, I would continue to ignore anything that was more personal other than pleasantries of hey how r u? If I was really uncomfortable I would say something at the time to him directly.

Some of you guys have been really rude. I teach my kids not to make fun and make jokes when somebody is talking to them seriously about something that bothers somebody else. Didn't your mom's teach you how to be sensitive and kind and NOT to be the mean girl? I am embarrassed for you guys

jflower

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 9:01 am

Depressed, I completely agree with the amother who posted yesterday @ 4:30 pm.

You mentioned core jewish values but are lacking in derech eretz yourself. Your contempt is quite obvious and you might want to tone down your bullying, obnoxious tone.

If you disagree with OP, that's fine. However, you are not the judge of core jewish values and if you're so interested in interactions bein adam l'chavero you can start by working on yourself.

princessleah

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 9:38 am

For another perspective...

It's hard to live in the same community as your ex. Some feel awkward. Some don't. Some like to try and be friends. Some want to ignore.

How did the relationships end? Was it amicable? Was one person a clear dumper/dumpee?
Is it possible that the guy feels awkward, but is trying to put on a show like, 'hey, this isn't awkward AT ALL! check me out!" So he's overcompensating by being really friendly to you, to show that it doesn't bother him to see you?

That would be my first interpretation. After being ignored a few times, now maybe he's doing it just to be provocative.

amother

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 9:42 am

princessleah wrote:

This could be it. It was a very clear mark of who was the dumper (me) and he was the dumpee (him). What you write could possibly be it.

black sheep

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 11:38 am

Depressed wrote:

marina wrote:

I don't understand. If you saw a guy with a really nifty tie, like one with pictures of his kids or something, you wouldn't say "nice tie" to him?

I absolutely would. And if he gave me a "death stare" I would be very hurt. Or think he was imbalanced.

Ah Marina dear, come to Lakewood. What if you are driving down the street and a guy walks rt in front of your car, totally spaced out. You honk him and he looks at you like how dare you disturb my sphere of holiness you filthy piece of tumah....

sadly this is very accurate.