How can I get DD to respect and like her father more?

amother

Sat, Feb 11 2012, 7:02 pm

She doesn't like him and it shows in her interaction with him.

I'm not sure if he knows she actually doesn't like him but he does feel some negativity and lack of interest in things in his life he would prefer her to have more interest in.

Ok sure he has faults, who doesn't?
He can be really tactless sometimes and she gets embarrassed. Or he'll make a big to do if she does something right like take an interest in his affairs or want to share something with him that she had learn't.
He'll make a comment like "I feel so honored that you wanted to share with me..."
I know where she's coming from, I'd also find that annoying and I know he can be like that.

But I tried explaining to her that any father she'd have would have faults and despite that all, he is a great father who cares about his kids and takes the time to interact with them at the table and share with them.

I mean the mere fact that he even cares about the fact that she doesn't take an interest in his stuff says something, doesn't it?

She also tends to get a bit overly disgusted if he makes a comment she doesn't like or approve of.

OK so I know or I think that a lot of this is typical teenage reactions but it still concerns me because I want my kids to have a good relationship with both of us.

So typical or not, what can I do to help foster a more positive relationship between my daughter and my husband?

granolamom

Sun, Feb 12 2012, 12:44 am

amother wrote:

I'm not sure if he knows she actually doesn't like him but he does feel some negativity and lack of interest in things in his life he would prefer her to have more interest in.

first, why does she have to have interest in things in his life that he wants her to have interest in? I would suggest that he find mutually interesting things to share with her. take an active interest in HER interests. a child, especially a teen, does not need the pressure of having to 'take interest in things in her father's life that he would prefer her to have more interest in'. that said, I dont mean to exempt her from showing respect and behaving appropriately towards him. its ok to love but not like a parent but not so ok to say so. at least not to the parents.

Merrymom

Sun, Feb 12 2012, 12:59 am

I'm totally confused by your post, I don't understand what their day to day relationship is like at all.

That being said, the most important thing he can do is to do things with her. Not necessarily talk, maybe play ball, go to the mall with her, cook something together, whatever it may be just so they can laugh together.

Now in my own experience with my daughters and from what I remember with my own father and my friends' fathers, teenaged daughters generally get along better with their fathers then they do with their mothers unless there's something nasty, hypocritical, or abusive with a father. The women of the house seem to butt heads alot more, even the slightest correction on my part seems to degenerate into an argument, heaven help me.

granolamom

Sun, Feb 12 2012, 1:04 am

merrymom, my dd, up until recently (she's a new teen) got along better with my dh than with me. I think its a teen-girl thing and assuming dad is a decent guy which OP seems to say he is, will probably pass, and it is probably not indicative of their future relationship.
although I do agree that the best thing fathers can do for their teen dd's is to do fun stuff together. my dh has started coaching dd in basketball, she wants to 'make team' next year, and that's helping tremendously. and it gives them something to talk about.

amother

Sun, Feb 12 2012, 1:25 am

granolamom wrote:

amother wrote:

I'm not sure if he knows she actually doesn't like him but he does feel some negativity and lack of interest in things in his life he would prefer her to have more interest in.

I guess the way it comes across to him is as if she has no interest in him at all and he feels hurt by that.
but I hear what you are saying.
I don't think she would take kindly to him taking an interest in her interests either. LOL
She has difficulties in her social life and I think it's safest if he stays out of that area.

However if she does share something interesting with him or the family he will participate and express an interest in what she is saying. The problem is if a discussion ensues and my husband expresses an opinion that she doesn't like or isn't PC enough for her she gets all in a huff and is often "disgusted", which I don't think is right or fair of her.

Merrymom wrote:

I hope you aren't trying to insinuate that my husband is nasty hypocritical or abusive?

yes she does tell me that most of her classmates have better relationships with their fathers then with their mothers. I don't get it and neither does she but so what? so by us it's the other way around? so
would you say their mothers are hypocritical, nasty or abusive?

granolamom

Sun, Feb 12 2012, 9:03 am

its so hard to advise really, because I have no idea of what the nature of their relationship is like irl. but, thinking back to myself and my friends at that age, and looking at my teen dd and my friends' teen dds, I think that she probably doesnt feel so good about herself. especially since you mention her social life issues. this is pretty common for teenage girls. and I think kids who lack confidence or are going through a stage of self doubt tend to lash out on those they trust not to hurt them back. its not acceptable, of course, but sometimes knowing where its coming from helps point you in a direction of working with it.
maybe for a little while, dh can step back and just accept what is right now, think of it as a phase that will pass. if he's getting hurt by it, it will create a real issue where maybe there is none. maybe for now, dd needs more of you while she moves through this.
my babies were like that, they'd be all about me for the first year and slowly move over to prefering dh for a while. my 11 yo wants only me these days but a few months ago he would only confide in dh. as I mentioned before, my teen dd was a daddy's girl if I ever saw one up until recently, now she's disgusted by the little things he does, thinks he's boring and embarrassing. I think things will swing again.

its hard when your own child is rude or disinterested in you. but as the adults, we have to be bigger than that. obviously set limits for rude behavior and consequences if necessary, but I'd ignore it otherwise and carry on with the business of loving her through it.
likely it will pass.
but its not easy, that's for sure.

superjew

Sun, Feb 12 2012, 10:15 am

Coming from a woman who had a bad relationship with her dad growing up, but a great one now.
I would say that they need to spend more time together (like others suggested) and with something that they BOTH have an interest in. (any sport, activity or even ice cream)
They need to talk more, first about the truths about how they feel about each other (positive & negative)
and then once they have broken through that discussion, it should be just normal catching up, bonding conversations.
And the MOST important advice I have ever heard is that a daughter craves positive attention and compliments from her Dad, but it needs to be genuine. Either he likes the way she looks, or something she drew, or how she did her hair that day. ANYTHING will work, but not in a way that she'd feel is forced and be careful it shouldn't be a "I appreciate that you're on time today" type of compliment as thats just praise and a teenager will take it "you were late yesterday" These compliments should be solely on something she would appreciate.
(Be sure you do all this gradually as it can feel forced if bonding time & compliments are thrown at her all of a sudden)

granolamom

Sun, Feb 12 2012, 4:14 pm

I think you gave some good advice there, superjew.
you are so on the money about sincere and genuine compliments that arent able to be twisted around into unintentional criticism.

I'm not sure about the honest talk, I guess it depends on your kid. mine would clam up pretty quick and roll her eyes so far back they'd pop out. for my teen, skipping right to the 'catching up' conversations over a shared interest works better. because she doesnt honestly hate her father or really get disgusted by him, she just thinks she does. some of these kids are so confused its ridiculous. my dh doesnt take it personally, when she's rude he tells her 'that's rude and unacceptable' and we have a system of consequences that works some of the time. otherwise, he goes on the assumption that their love is mutual and she's just another crazy female he has to deal with : )

but each child/parent relationship is so unique. the honest talk is definitely worth a try if you think it might be valuable.

amother

Mon, Feb 13 2012, 6:01 pm

Merrymom wrote:

I am not insinuating anything, I'm just making an overall observation. It's usually the mother/daughter relationship that suffers and the father/daughter one either remains the same or gets stronger. I can only speak for myself, I have no idea what your dh is like.

he is a good man that wouldn't hurt a fly. For sure doesn't fit into that description of nasty hypocritical and abusive. He's a far cry from being anything like that.
He can simply be a bit tactless sometimes and accidentally say the wrong thing as far as a teenager is concerned.

anyway, thanks everyone for all the suggestions. DD did mention that she was trying and was hoping to ask her father to have a shiur with her once a week but then she got turned off because when she wanted to share something with him she had learnt he made a comment about being "so honored."

I'm going to encourage her to ask him after all and I'll warn him to act normal about it.

btw she isn't actually outright rude to him, she just gets annoyed easily and complains to me about him and makes it clear to me she doesn't "like" him.

I'm relieved to hear this is normal and will pass. Thank you.
I believe that they could have a great relationship because they have a lot in common in terms of intelligence and interests in learning.