Worried about boy dd dating wrong boy

amother

Sun, Feb 19 2012, 12:36 am

My husband and I, as well as many of my dd's friends, do not think the boy she is dating is not a good match for her. There a lots of little signs, and we all feel uneasy when we are with them together. With my other kids, we just felt so comfortable when we met their mates-to-be. She says she's happy, but dosen't seem so, maybe because she knows we do not approve. If it gets to marriage, hv"S, I'm pretty sure it will end in disaster. She is 24. My husband and I both told her how we feel. We've always been able to talk, now she's withdrawing. Any suggestions.

amother

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 8:30 am

amother wrote:

Is there someone besides you she will respect and listen to?

I was dating the "wrong guy" years ago. I wouldn't hear about it from my parents cuz I thought they were too overprotective to be unbiased. Then he spent Shabbos at the family of someone I was close to. She spoke to me about her concerns and I broke it off the next day

I agree, you need a third party to look at the situation and talk to her. My sister was engaged to someone who my parents felt uneasy with. By the vort when my siblings met him and his family, more people noticed the same things. It was hard, but they somehow opened her eyes to see the same things. Sadly, they saw things that they saw in another bil who's married to my sister for over 20 years. About a year after the broken engagement she got married to a wonderful guy and when she met her dh she even noticed the problems more from the other guy.

mummiedearest

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 9:19 am

what exactly are your concerns? you mention lots of little signs. it's quite possible that he is not what you want for your daughter but that he is exactly what she wants for herself. unless there are actual red flags, I would leave it alone. if you continue to voice your opinion on the matter, your daughter will withdraw further. most parents are not in love with all of their children's spouses.

imasinger

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 9:24 am

I think a lot of times, people (myself included) end up with the wrong ones in part because of self-esteem issues. If I'm right, then maybe one thing that you might be able to do is find a million ways to let her know how much you love and approve of her. Spend lots of time with her, on the phone or in person. Make it positive time, where you are having fun and appreciating her good qualities out loud. Ask her advice, and tell her she is smart and wise whenever she gives you good advice. Don't criticize her or others during this time. Remind her by your behavior what it is like to feel truly valued by someone.

If he doesn't treat her as well as you do, then his issues might be more apparent. However, if he is giving her something that she feels is lacking in her life, she might find it easier to overlook his flaws.

I have no idea if it will work with an adult child, but I have seen it work magic on younger ones, and it's probably worth a shot.

shirachadasha

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 9:54 am

Don't criticize him directly (example: He never asks for your opinion and always decides where you go together). Ask gentle questions (example: Do you feel that he values your opinions?). Even if she says "of course he values my opinions, you have still planted the seed in her mind to look out for ways that he does or doesn't value her opinion.

It's so important for you not to go on record saying that he is a bad person. The reason for this is that if she does choose to marry him, you don't want her to feel like she has to choose between him and you. Make it clear that you will always be there to support her. That way she will feel like she can come to you if she has any doubts instead of feeling like she has to stand her ground and defend him to you.

veganesther

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 10:09 am

I understand exactly what you are going thru. My dd b'h broke it off w/ a boy who had never grown into his potential. They dated seriously and exclusively for more than two years. He avoided our family for shabbat b/c the few times he did come for a meal it was glaringly obvious that he resented us and he was not nice to our dd.
She is now 26 and she has been introduced to many wonderful potential choosens. iyh, she will find her match.

amother

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 10:43 am

I know a woman who dated a man who was manifestly unsuitable for her. All of her relatives called her parents and begged them to put an end to the relationship. but the woman refused. It was so bad that the rabbi showed up late for the wedding, and told them that he wasn't sure that he could marry a couple that he was so certain would quickly divorce. Would you believe that the man actually had to be restrained from hitting the rabbi!

After 50 years of marriage, my mother died in my father's arms. They were still in love.

imasinger

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

*sniff* That's such a beautiful love story.

Did the relatives ever admit that they were wrong? Did either one of them (or both) of your parents change to become "more suitable"? It's hard for a kid to be objective about her parents, but I'm curious what you saw.

amother

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 11:28 am

OP here-you're helping me so much.

There is a woman she is close to that also worried, but she says my daughter needs to call the friend in order to be open to hearing what she has to say.

Lots of little red flags, nothing really out there, but unsettling. No one I've talked to who knows him or the family said anything either positive or negative.

She started out being withdrawn by not telling us she was dating until a month into it. Before this we talked weekly (do not live in the same city) about chatty things, but not anymore. She's not the daily caller type, but we did talk about daily life regularly

We were advised by our rov to state our concerns and then be quiet about it, and we did that. It is SO hard not to bring it up again. I guess that is why I needed this outlet to hear what others have to say.

Ruchel

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 11:34 am

amother wrote:

This reminds me of rebbetzin Nechama Leibowitz who married her 30 years older, blind, uncle. Her parents (or father?) didn't attend the chuppa because they disagreed and probably hoped it would stop her.People hinted she only married him to be able to care for him, but she said she was definitely in love and he was the only one understanding her.

Merrymom

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 11:49 am

I was dating someone that my parents decided that they didn't like afterall. I wouldn't break it off until my mother was very smart about it and had me speak with someone about him (a social worker or someone like that). Once I did that it became very clear why he wasn't for me and she had my back when I called it off so it wasn't emotionally overwhelming.

shabri

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 11:50 am

I agree with your Rav Once you have said your piece, you should back off. However, at least on this thread you are not being specific about what is bothering you about guy. I'm wondering how you presented it to your DD. Was it, "We don't like boyfriend? or we feel boyfriend is wrong for you" or did you mention very specific concerns. If it was the former, then I also would ignore you. You are not actually being helpful. If it was the latter then even if she argues with you, you have given her food for thought, which would be most helpful at this point.

Could be you can't put your finger on what bothers you specifically about him. In that case, I would tell you to think it through and get clarity. Perhaps spend more time with him so you can clearly articulate your specific concerns to your DD.

Raisin

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 12:16 pm

amother wrote:

That's a beautiful story. But 50 years ago people had very different ideas on what was suitable or not. for example, a black marrying a white was illegal in many US states and frowned upon everywhere else. Likewise, it could have been something relatively superficial like your fathers job prospects, family background, etc. It sounds like the OP is talking about unpleasant character flaws, even possibly abusive behaviour.

amother

Wed, Feb 22 2012, 11:52 pm

imasinger wrote:

I do think she lacks self esteem plus she's always been a target for manipulation. We don't live in the same city, so phone and emails is how we most communicate. It's hard if not impossible now for me to have any interaction with her, she hasn't been accessible in that way to me since I told her my feelings.

In that conversation a month ago, I noted the characteristics he has that she is looking for, and then told her my specific concerns which she rationalized away. She's not #1 with him (she did not agree), he put down people including her in front of me (she said they kid around like that), avoids socially interacting outside his own friends and family (she said it's not his fault, he tries but it does not work out). Our rav told us to assure her that whomever she brought into our family we would accept because we love her so much, which we did.

She does have a mentor who I am trying to involve, I pray this has some effect. Her circle of friends has shrunk lately. Just feeling very helpless here. Test from Hashem, I am not in control, it's part of her growth process. Thank you all.

amother

Thu, Feb 23 2012, 2:02 am

Dear OP, I have a friend who was dating someone who everyone, but her, saw that it was not going to be a good union. Everyone gave her signs that it was not a good idea. We all said our peace, in different round about ways. Nobody wanted to tell her outright what we thought. Well, it was either a little under a year or just over a year after they got married, they got divorced. At the end, it was really bad between them.

I say, if you have said your piece to her, truly told her what you think, no matter how her feelings get hurt or not, then you have done what you can. It is, fortunately or unfortunately, her life. Now you have to step back and let her either get married and see it work out or make the mistake that she will make (like my friend).

HUGS.