Worried about boy dd dating wrong boy

morah

Thu, Feb 23 2012, 7:07 am

To the Amother with the nice parental love story- it's a nice story, and I totally understand, my ILs predicted doom, gloom, and disaster and made a big stink about things; 4 years on, they refuse to accept that they predicted wrong. Parents like that give others a bad name. While it is true that some parents are too involved or confuse their own wants/needs with those of the child and get totally irrational and unreasonable with shidduchim, I think most parents do care about their child's well-being and won't try to interfere without a good reason. Of course, thanks to parents like my ILs (and your grandparents), parents in general get a bad rap, and nobody wants to listen to them or accept that sometimes mom and dad really do know what's best.

OP- I don't know if you're like my ILs or if you really see troubling things, but I think you've gotten some very good advice here. You can try third parties who aren't as invested as you, keep trying to get through to her (though not in a confrontational way, or she'll only keep withdrawing). You have to be prepared though for her to go through with this and what will be will be. If she comes back to you divorced and miserable, no "I told you so", just lots of love, support, and help moving on. She's an adult- you hope she won't make mistakes, but she's a big girl now, she has to make her own decisions at the end of the day.

I have a relative getting married this week, and every single one of us is seriously pessimistic about the outcome. I'm not even entirely sure the chosson going to show up to the wedding! The worst is that it seems the kallah knows full well what she's getting into but is going through with it because she's older and feel this her only chance to get married. I asked my mom why the kallah's mother- a strong, opinionated lady who doesn't take anything from anyone- is just letting this go without a fight. My mom said, she's an adult, it's her mistake to make. Her mom can suggest, but nothing more. It hurts to watch it happen, but sometimes it's all you can do...

amother

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 12:57 pm

OP here: True, we feel fully that this is her life and her decision. In fact, I was in a similar relationship at her age and while my mother withdrew, my dad was blunt. B"H their opinion was important to me, but it was not until the boy did s/t horrible that I was unblinded and saw their concerns were real. They never said "I told you so," and neither will I.

DD called a few days ago, and something came up in conversation that made me realize she had not really "heard" our objections, so I opened up, voiced my feeling that she is not seeing all the red flags waving in her face. It got heated but ended lovingly.

We have spoken since, but I don't know where she's holding on this. It's like she has 2 separate lives. Him and everyone else. It's not that he's a bad person, but he is young and has lots of unhealthy relationship habits. Without intervention, it will develop into a disastrous marriage.

And I do think she is unsure of herself. She was very much a part of things in her small HS. Her HS friends all went to very different seminaries and the single ones are probably more frum now. Her sem friends are mostly married. As far as I know, she does not go to anyone for objective advice.

Thank you all for the excellent advice and chizuk. I really need it and appreciate you imamothers.

amother

Wed, Jan 01 2014, 11:38 pm

amother wrote:

Did she stop dating him?

strawberry cola

Thu, Jan 02 2014, 1:36 am

Can you do some serious checking about this boy? Ask his yeshiva roommates, his rebbeim, his neighbors and classmates. Ask very specific questions. Is he emotionally stable? Does he have friends? Is his home situation functional?

Also, have you spoken to your daughter face to face, since she started going out with this boy? You mention that you live in different cities. Can you go and visit her and see how she looks- does she seem to be under unusual pressure? Have you met the boy? Can you arrange to meet him?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 02 2014, 9:23 pm

(I know this has been resolved, I'm writing this for future reference.)

In cases like this, you can suggest premarital counseling for your DD and her boyfriend. If he refuses to go, you have your answer right there. If there are any red flags, they will come up in counseling. That way, it's not mom being mean, it will come from a third party who's not related.

Rubber Ducky

Thu, Jan 02 2014, 9:28 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. They got engaged, but B"H he did s/t to reveal to her how unequipped he was for marriage and we called it off. Several months to get over it, and a good therapist to help her figure out why she got so involved with him, but she is back to being herself.

~~I'm glad it worked out~~... ~~I'm glad it didn't work out~~... Can't figure out how to word this right, but thanks for letting us know what happened and I'm glad your DD is doing OK now.