I don't recognize my son anymore :-(

amother

Tue, Mar 06 2012, 1:58 pm

My 5 year old son used to be the sweetest, loveliest, gentle boy, also very obedient and quite an easy child to raise really. The past few months he has changed into something I do not even recognize! I'm crying as I write this because it is upsetting me so much. He seems angry so often, and uses language that is so unacceptable in our house, but that doesn't seem to stop him. Nothing has changed at home that I can think of, and he loves school. But he is very silly and misbehaves in school, causing him to always be in trouble. At home, when he gets upset or angry he will call all of us 'bloody idiot' and say 'shut up' to me. I have tried every way of discipline and nothing has helped. The latest thing is him always being silly talking about his 'willy', willy this, willy that, its disgusting! It can't be normal to behave like this! He thinks its so funny. His older brother is definitely a little bit of an influence (hes 9) but I'm obviously not being mechanech them in the way that I should as its just not working to stop the behaviour.

I really need help from anyone with an idea what to do about this!

TIA...

cbsmommy

Tue, Mar 06 2012, 5:45 pm

I have a few thoughts.

Is this the first year that he is in a classroom with a board? If yes, have you had his vision and hearing screened recently? If he is unable to see what the Rebbe is writing on the board, he might be acting out and getting "in trouble" as a result. If he is having issues hearing (which you might not be noticing at home because the noise level isn't the same) it could also be causing some acting out.

The next thing to investigate is if he maybe has a mild learning disability. If he is having trouble understanding math or if the alphabet just 'doesn't make sense' it could cause significant behavior changes.

amother

Tue, Mar 06 2012, 6:13 pm

okay, first of all, it is normal for boys to become sillier and a bit wild at about five years old. it is normal for a mom to wonder why her five year old boy is no longer her sweet toddler. all of the behavior you are describing is normal. especially if he has an older brother, whom he is desperate to be just like. now that being said, you should always be concerned about sudden changes in behavior, but if this has just been a slow progression of being silly and saying "big boy" words, don't freak out. it happens to all boys. and they grow out of it.... one day.... I still don't know when. my DH hasn't grown out of it yet.....

torquoise

Tue, Mar 06 2012, 7:22 pm

amother wrote:

ra_mom wrote:

You need to assume that something significant happened to change him. He is obviously hurting.
I think it would be best to get direction from a professional.

I agree.

Maybe I'm being hyper-paranoid, but I would suspect molestation. A drastic change in behavior is one of the symptoms of that.

I second that. When a child is suddenly angry all the time, it's usually a sign of pain and hurt underneath the surface, especially in boys.
You should not assume this is your fault. Just try to get as much info as you can, to see what's going on inside your little boy's mind and heart. Can you talk to him and try to get an idea of what's wrong?

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Mar 06 2012, 7:48 pm

ra_mom wrote:

You need to assume that something significant happened to change him. He is obviously hurting.
I think it would be best to get direction from a professional.

THIS THIS THIS.
I don't like the sound of this at all.
He is talking very specifically about his body.
you CANNOT handle this yourself; get a competent professional expert involved.
Ruling out physical cause is ok too.

amother

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 12:50 am

Thanks for all your replies.

I am pretty sure there has been no molestation. It was not really a sudden change, I think it just gradually happened so that I didn't even realise until now how different he is from the sweet toddler he used to be.
He has one really good friend in school who he acts really silly with, they go together like magnets. He is a very happy child, always smiling and laughing and being silly. He doesnt have any of this anger at school apparantly. He does have toileting issues which means he is still wetting himself and soiling during the day. Lets say he was molested, who do I go to for help? Although I honestly dont think this was the case.

He has no learning problems, reads well and understands all the maths.

I'd love to know how to deal with his language when he is angry, and his 'willy' talk when he is being silly.

chani8

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 12:59 am

A child who has changed into someone you don't recognize is screaming for help.

One of the things at this age is trying to figure out where he stands in the school. Is he the class clown, the trouble maker, the good boy. He may not even do any of those bad behaviors at school, he's just trying them out at home, imagining what it's like to be like that.

However, because he is making an issue out of body parts and due to the fact that he is very angry at you, then of course, like the others here say, it could be some s-xual inappropriateness going on somewhere.

Before you talk to your child about abuse, go to the charedi website for a free booklet to read to kids and an article for parents at www.shomrimyeladim.com.

To start a dialogue, find a quiet time and place (with no other kids or interuptions) and then you can simply say, I can tell something is bothering you because you are a good boy yet you seem angry and upset about something. Can you tell mommy what's going on?

5*Mom

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 2:16 am

amother wrote:

Lets say he was molested, who do I go to for help?

I agree that the anger, body-part talk and regression to wetting himself can all be warning signs of possible s. abuse. These signs are often noted retrospectively in abused children, so it's worth considering the possibility. Of course, this does not mean that every child exhibiting these signs was abused. No need for panic.

Your first step should be to introduce the subject of personal space and personal safety to ALL your children if you haven't done so already. This can be done within the context of general safety, like fire safety, crossing the street, safety at the park, etc. Dr. David Pelocovitz, Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz and others have disseminated information and youtube videos on how to introduce the subject to young children in a way that confers confidence and not anxiety or fear. This is an ongoing communication process, not a one-time thing. The goals are to provide information to your children about their rights to personal privacy, and what others--even respected adults--may and may not do to them, and importantly to create open communication between parents and children so that if something has happened/will happen they will know that they can come to you to discuss anything.

I would not ask any direct questions such as "has anyone ever touched you." You do not want to put words in a child's mouth. But if a child does reveal that something inappropriate has occurred, it is crucial to respond calmly, to listen, empathize and validate the experience and the feelings. No drama. Step out of the room to get composed, if necessary. Research shows that the primary factor affecting an abuse victim's recovery is the response of the first person the victim tells of the abuse. Unconditional parental support is crucial.

When the child has finished talking, the police should be called and the child should be brought to a therapist (psychologist, social worker) with specific training and experience in child s*xual abuse for treatment.

Frenchfry

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 2:44 am

While I don't really have any ideas about the behaviour, I dealt with wetting and soiling at that age with my son.

I was going CRAZY. Turned out, he had a dystended rectum, and that affected his sensation for both bowels and bladder. My doictor told me to use a glycerin suppository to "clear his system" and sure enough it worked wonders. He was prone to this for years.

amother

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 3:57 am

Thats so interesting about the dystended rectum. How was that diagnosed? Did he have to be examined there? No doctor has ever physically examined him, therefore they just say its a behavioural or psychological issue. I wonder if it is something medical...

Is 5 not too young to warn him about people who may touch him innappropriately? I dont want to put more ideas into his head. But I do want to keep him safe. This has me really scared now, because I really cannot think when or where something may have happened, but I cant be %100 sure.

Thanks again for all your replies.

amother

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 3:58 am

amother

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 4:50 am

amother wrote:

I think children can be taught even from a younger age without putting ideas in their head. We focus on privacy and tznius with our 4 year old. eg. Its not tznius to go in the toilet with someone (another boy or man), (only mummy etc) Its not tznius for you to look at your brother/sisters private areas. If anyone tries to be not tznius with you, you can tell them its not tznius and can always come and tell Mummy.

I am also a bit paranoid about this issue having come across it one too mant times. I teach mine young.

5*Mom

Wed, Mar 07 2012, 5:13 am

amother wrote:

Is 5 not too young to warn him about people who may touch him innappropriately? I dont want to put more ideas into his head. But I do want to keep him safe. This has me really scared now, because I really cannot think when or where something may have happened, but I cant be %100 sure.

The concept of personal privacy can be introduced from as early as 2 or 3. I prefer not to use words like "it's not tznius" and instead say something like "This is your body and it is private for you. No one should touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable." I also teach my kids to close the bathroom door and their bedroom doors when dressing from a very early age. The message is that they have a right to privacy and this should be given over positively. Kids who are raised with clear privacy boundaries are likelier to recognize when those boundaries have been crossed, even subtly.

Dr. Pelcovitz advises discussing the following 3 kinds of touch: yes touch, no touch and I-don't-know touch. Yes touch is a touch that feels nice, like a hug from a parent; no touch is a touch that hurts like being hit or pinched. I-don't-know touch is a touch that doesn't hurt but that doesn't feel quite right, like being touched in places that are covered by underwear or a bathing suit. Give over the message that your child can come to you to discuss anything at all, even things that he thinks might make you upset, as nothing will cause you to love him any less. Again, this is not a one-time discussion. This is an atmosphere that needs to be created over time.

As far as where or when something may have happened--anywhere, at any time, by anyone, adult or child. This is not to scare you--obviously that is not constructive--but to alert you to the very real widespread existence of this problem and to urge you and all families, whether or not anything has already happened, to discuss personal safety with all children and to create an atmosphere of open communication so your children know they can come to you with anything. You can only do this if you remain calm and rational.