Did you invite your parents friends to your child's simcha?

amother

Mon, May 07 2012, 11:18 pm

I was wondering if its common for you to have your parents friends by your childrens Bar Mitzvah or wedding? The grandparents are not paying for the simcha. I would like to get some feedback.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, May 07 2012, 11:27 pm

My grandparents had a few of their friends at my wedding. My parents told them how many friends they could invite.

Last edited by amother on Sat, Mar 19 2016, 11:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

gila-rina

Mon, May 07 2012, 11:51 pm

I'm planning to invite a few. If it makes a difference, family lives on the other coast, so my simcha is their chance to get reconnected and spend time with these people.

shanie5

Tue, May 08 2012, 12:05 am

For my first sons bar mitzvah I invited a few of my parents friends. They talked all through his leining so I did not invite them again.

For the weddings, I invited my parents friends that I felt a connection to. My mil insisted we invite some people she wanted. As neither dh nor I had any connection to them, we told mil that she can invite whoever she wants as long as she pays for them.

Culturedpearls

Tue, May 08 2012, 12:26 am

Yes, we told them how many they can invite & they usually invite a bit less. It's their simcha too & they have a right to share it with friends. I'd never ask them to pay either, they did their share with their own kids.
To me it's basic kibbud av v'eim.

yo'ma

Tue, May 08 2012, 7:18 am

shanie5 wrote:

Uh oh, did my mother talk? She's usually very good Very Happy

. Was she even there for the shabbos bar mitzvah?

We're b'h making a bar mitzva soon and if we were living in NY, I wouldn't invite my parents friends. My dh might be inviting some of his parents friends, but that's because he's friends with them too. When I say friends, I mean friendly, neighborly, and travel in the same circles.

Raizle

Tue, May 08 2012, 7:44 am

I'm glad I'm reading this thread because we did invite parents friends but I felt a little stupid about it..like maybe they were wondering why we invited them or maybe they thought we invited them to get their gifts or something.
so I'm reading here that other people do it so it's not so far fetched and wouldn't have looked strange that we did.

just that some of them we have nothing to do with so it felt weird having them at our simchas

morah

Tue, May 08 2012, 8:34 am

I remember my mom got into a huge fight with her mother when it came to the guest list for my bat mitzvah b/c my grandmother wanted to invite FIFTY- that's 5-0- couples, and my mom said no way. She invited the 4 couples that I actually knew well and appreciated seeing. Those same 4 couples were invited to my wedding (by that time, grandma knew not to make the same demand). We also invited a few friends of my dad's parents, but we knew they weren't coming (that side of the family lives in France). When I got married, some of DH's grandparents' friends were also invited- again, only people he actually knew, including his grandmother's business partners of 50 years.

imasinger

Tue, May 08 2012, 10:15 am

FIFTY??? That's really something. Did she offer to pay for them?

My mother is the only surviving grandparent right now. We encouraged her to invite her close friends, and there were about 10 of them at my DD's wedding a couple of weeks ago. The same crowd also came to my nephew's bar mitzvah last shabbos.

I think it depends on circumstances. My first thought was that it would be too much if my mother's crowd all came, but it turned out to be wonderful, and I will absolutely do it again.

mha3484

Tue, May 08 2012, 10:22 am

A few friends of my parents came to DS's bris. These are people I have known my whole life. I thought it was really sweet that they came.

Chayalle

Tue, May 08 2012, 10:37 am

My SIL sent my parents an invitation to her son's Bar Mitzvah, since they are the mechatunim of my inlaws. My parents actually thought it was strange, and they did not come. Maybe they would've stopped in to say Mazal Tov to my FIL if it had been local for them.

amother

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:00 am

OP here. The reason why I asked is because we are making a bar mitzvha in a few months and my husband thinks its weird to invite the grandparents friends if its our simcha. Besides he doesn't really see his friends inviting their parents friends. So what would you do? His parents are not asking to invite anybody. Just some background info my parents don't help at all. The last time they bought the bar mitzvah boy something to wear was when he was a year old. And my other kids when they were born. The only thing they give my kids is a birthday presant once a year and sometimes a chanukah presant. They stopped giving me a birthday presant years ago. She offered to pay whatever it costs to sit down her friends for the meal. But thats without adding on the cost of renting the hall.

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:07 am

I think it depends.

If you have the money to invite them easily, it's a wonderful way to fulfill the mitzvah of kibbud av v'em. If you're inviting the rest of the world anyway, what's a couple of extra people?

If you are scrimping to be able to afford the simcha, and your parents will have people there that they can talk to (such as relatives), I don't think you should be pressured to invite parent's friends. Just be honest about whether you're inviting as few people as possible because of your budget, or whether you're inviting the world but being stingy when it comes to your parents.

In short, if the money is there, this is a great thing to use it for. I wouldn't go into debt for it, though.

morah

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:09 am

How many people are we talking? And more importantly, do your kids know these people? It's not weird if the kids know the people- in my case, these were families I've known my whole life, so I appreciated having them there. If you do decide to invite them, make sure there is a strict limit and that she sticks to it- even if she is paying, if she invites enough people to force you to rent a bigger hall, that's not ok.

gila-rina

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:24 am

There are some friends (of parents) that are like family. I think its totaly appropriate to have these people at your simchas. I also think, if your mother is asking to have her friends at the bar mitza and is offering to pay, it should be reasonably accomodated. If there are space limitations, let her know to only invite the minimum.

amother

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:31 am

OP here. The issue here is also my husband is objecting to it. So I should honor my parents request and have an argument over it with my husbend? And one of the friends she wants to invite I know since I am young but when she has seen me in the past two years she gives me dirty looks. Some of the people I know from her list and some people I have no clue who they are.

gila-rina

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:46 am

I really feel for you.
He objects because he has never seen its done, or its about some sort of resentment towards your parents? Can you tell him that this issue is causing you too much stress on top of the regular presimcha worries? Can he understand that? Tell your mom there are hall capacity limitations, she must curtail her list.

lkwdmommy

Tue, May 08 2012, 12:28 pm

We keep our bar mitzvahs small - only close family and our neighbors so no, we did not invite grandparents' friends to those.

However, we did invite (and are inviting to DS' upcoming wedding) my mother's very close friends to the wediing we made. They are practically family - wouldn't think of doing otherwise.