Give baby gift to sister who can't afford to reciprocate?

amother

Tue, May 08 2012, 10:48 pm

I would like to give a baby gift to a sister who recently had a baby. Problem is, she will want to reciprocate and give me a gift in turn when I IYH have mine in a few weeks, but she can't afford it at all. Not even a small, simple $10 gift.

Should I just forgo it altogether? WWYD?

Lady Godiva

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:02 pm

If she can't afford to give a gift, chances are, she will be needing your gift.
Gift her if you can, and when you give birth if she asks you what to get you for a gift tell her you'd really appreciate her help for a bit and have her come over to help you a little--if that's a possibility in regards to where you live.

Happy 2B

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:05 pm

I think that's more of a reason to give unless you give presents to get back. Then I do understand that you don't want to put someone in a position that they feel back they can't reciprocate but you know she can give things that don't cost money. Babysit send food etc.

I like what observer said that you can try and make it like you just had to buy it but that you aren't expecting anything in return.

amother

Tue, May 08 2012, 11:23 pm

Op: Thank you ladies. To clarify, we live about 1000 miles from each other, so I thought I'd order something on Amazon.com and have it shipped to her house. Knowing her, she will feel compelled to do the same thing back (and at a similar price range as the gift I would be getting her). So she can't a) regift something else to me (unless she'd go through the trouble of packing and shipping it, which I can't imagine she'd do), or b) offer, or accept, intangible help.

I definitely agree w/ Lady Godiva - she is in severe financial straits and would need anything I could send - but I'm just concerned she'll be too proud not to gift back...and given that we're OOT, I don't see how your otherwise wonderful suggestions apply here!

Hashemlovesme

Wed, May 09 2012, 1:02 am

are you in an obviously better financial situation? Is this her 1st & not yours.....?

I'd say it sounds like she can use the stuff, so buy her the basic things she might need (I like getting stuff a few sizes bigger, so when the gifts run out they still have something) & after you have your baby mention casually, or if she asks what you need say that everyone is so nice....that you really have everything already, but thanks anyways.

EvenI

Wed, May 09 2012, 2:29 am

I think you definitely should send a gift, or a loan of useful items if applicable. Otherwise, she might feel that you know she is in dire straits but don't care to help. Then, perhaps you should tell her straight out that you don't allow her to give you a gift and you know she would if she could afford it.

amother

Wed, May 09 2012, 8:35 am

I send my SIL in eretz yisroel gifts when she has a baby. She cannot afford to reciprocate. I am older by a little so I make it sound like as an older sister I do this but she definitely should not. She does try to chip in with my siblings for a candy platter when we make a simcha (even that is hard for her but I know it makes her feel good), but doesn't send gifts.

ewa-jo

Wed, May 09 2012, 8:40 am

OP, if you have other children, make it a point to tell your SIL that you are not buying a single new item and that you want to wear through all the baby stuff you have left over from the older kids... you hve no space in your house, so you don't want anything new.

freidasima

Wed, May 09 2012, 8:43 am

Of course give her and tell her that when your time comes, you have so much and no place to put it that you are asking everyone to give a donation in your baby's name and zechus. I'm sure that she and her husband give zedoko, this way they can just earmark some of that zedoko for the baby's zechus and be yotzei. A triple mitzva. You get to help her, you get the zechus of zedoko for your baby's zechus and she gets the mitzva of giving zedoko.

MommyZ

Wed, May 09 2012, 9:04 am

freidasima wrote:

That is a lovely suggestion.

freidasima

Wed, May 09 2012, 11:24 am

You betcha it is!

In all seriousness, keeping tabs is a lot more complicated than one thinks. Because it's not just keeping tabs of the person and the gift. There is so much more...it's also keeping tabs of what the person's circumstances were at the time they gave the gift, and keeping the entire picture in mind.

)ne can be magnanimous. One can decide, such as in this case, that one can just do it zedoko wise etc. But one of the reasons is that in this case, it's really a one on one, personal thing. There is no larger economy involved, there is no "system" involved.

That's when it becomes different and people keep tabs. When it's part of a larger system. Because then, its no longer a personal thing. then there are hundreds of people involved, including a whole simcha industry of yidden who make their honest living by doing this.

Here in the case of a baby present for the sister, there is no system.

That's what makes the whole difference.

chanchy123

Wed, May 09 2012, 11:55 am

It sounds to me like you should davka give to her, even something nicer than you intended (unless you feel she'll feel uncomfertable). She obviously needs the financial help.
the ideaof gift giving is to give and make someone you lovehappy,not to give so you can get something back in return - that's not gift giving that's business. Thisis especially true forclose family.
IYH when you're time comes she'll do whatever she can. Even if it'sjust baking a cake or a visit, because you know she's happy for you.

JAWSCIENCE

Wed, May 09 2012, 12:04 pm

You can also send over some things and say they were excess gifts that you got and have no use for. You just want the space in your apartment. (Even if you buy them yourself I believe it is OK to lie in this situation and say they were given to you and you have no need for them).

Or you could send an anonymous gift. It's hard to reciprocate when you don't know who sent it.

amother

Wed, May 09 2012, 2:31 pm

Sorry but I would not give. I have been giving siblings over the years baby gifts, birthday presents and chanukah gifts. My kids don't ever get back in return. My inlaws are constantly giving these siblings baby gifts, clothes the whole year for these kids etc. Nobody gives us anything. It feels horrible when you are sitting at a chanukah party and the other siblings, grandchildren receives gifts and you get nothing. And how about when your parents pay for your siblings childs bris and bearly gave your kid a stretchie. Or when the family gets together and the parents bought all the grandchildren new clothes except for yours. But you know why? Its because my husband works for a living. He is not sitting in kollel or working a nine to five job that makes a flat salary a year. My husband works late nights, Sundays and sometimes Saturday night. And I work part time. One day my husband told me to stop buying everyone gifts and I finally decided to listen. It took a while cause I am the giving kind. I feel funny not buying a niece or nephew a chanukah gift. But again my kids only learn how to give but they can't ever receive a gift and feel loved by that person? Yes, I could buy my child that five dollar toy. But its the thought that counts.