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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Giving Gifts
amother
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 Wed, May 09 2012, 3:05 pm
I totally understand you, last amother.
Although your comment was off topic in a way, and the OP will probably want it to go back to her question, I just want to add that I was in a very similar position as you regarding my family, bec. I married into a 'very wealthy family', but this wealthy family had/is having a very hard time these last few years. So whenever there was a situation where ppl had to pay for something and my parents would help out the others (they are not wealthy at all, they're in the Rabbinic field), they wouldnt even think that we needed help. Mind you, we were struggling as much - or possibly even more than the others - but nobody really thought that. And my husband, coming from the background he does, never wanted to say anything - for him to say the words 'I can't afford' is the hardest thing. But at the same time he would get annoyed that they were getting 'free lulavim/Sukka's' or any of the other things my parents would order for themselves and add a couple more for the sons-in-law, besides for him who they thought was ok or getting directly from his father. Finally, I realized the issue and I kept telling my husband that if he never lets my parents know we're having a hard time, they'll never know and continue behaving the same way.
He still doesnt like it so much but I've gotten more open with our situation - not getting into details about my in-laws, just that they can't help us now like they used to years ago and slowly, my mother's starting helping us out in these 'small' ways too. Or not helping out, but at least if everyone else was getting something, we were too.
I totally feel for you and I could only suggest that you speak more openly about things with your in-laws. They can't know unless they know. They might really not mean it in a bad way, (although they could've still given you stuff occasionally.) They might really just think that u'r doing ok, especially if you're always on the giving end and not realize how it feels. I'd speak to them - openly and respectfully, but share your feelings.
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Arcy
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Wed, May 09 2012, 4:30 pm
that's a very sensitive way for you to think. Besha tova on your upcoming baby. But deffinatly give, if she can't get you anything, chances are she can benefit from a gift.
hatzlacha
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sarlal
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Wed, May 09 2012, 5:58 pm
I definitely think that you should give a gift. unfortunately, this is your sister's life and this won't be the first or last time taht she may want to reciprocate but cannot afford to. I don't think that this is a reason not to give to her...lehefech -- give her a beautiful gift taht you know she could really use!!
I have this situation to a lesser degree, and I love buying clothes, etc. for my nieces. I know that my sister may feel taht she wants to reciprocate, but trust me: she loves the gifts more than she wants to reciprocate lol. she really loves taht I buy her kids things. her husband gets very uncomfrtable, so I don't buy too often and I make it in honor of an occasion...or I just say that I was in the store sghopping for my own kids and saw the clothes I bought for her kids.
anyway, I think you shuld davka buy. you could even buy something extra expensive and count it towards your tzedaka.
I have a cousin who couldn't afford a sheitel when she got engaged, and her parents refused to buy her one. her husband's parent dont have the money... so my husband and I paid for it. she wanted to reciprocate, but she couldn't. she wears the sheitel every day. and we counted it towards our mayser (our rav said we could).
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amother
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Wed, May 09 2012, 6:01 pm
Second imamother:
We tried to speak to the family and parents so many times. They think we are immature for complaining and said we shouldn't expect anything from anybody while they are always receiving.
Like I say I wouldn't give..I was a fool for years of giving the world gifts and getting back nothing when my own children were born.
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amother
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Wed, May 09 2012, 6:05 pm
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In life, we should all do the right thing and not worry about what someone else will do.
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amother
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Wed, May 09 2012, 7:40 pm
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Op here. Well, it seems the consensus is that I should definitely give the gift! In case it wasn't clear, I'm not "keeping tabs" and I'm not "giving with the intention to get back" at ALL. I just don't want her to feel bad, that's all. And if she gives me something in return that I know she can't afford (which she probably will), it will negate the point of my gift (which is to help her by purchasing something for her she can't otherwise afford). Some of you had very nice suggestions about how to word it or to tell her to give it to tzeddakah... food for thought. I think either way she'll see through what I'm trying to do, but maybe it's worth it if she gets the item she needs. Thank you all!
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BA
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Wed, May 09 2012, 8:13 pm
if you really want to give her something nice, maybe send it anonymously and then send a smaller gift clearly from you. maybe in years from now, you'll be able to laugh and tell her the big gift was from you also!
its nice that you are so sensitive!
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amother
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Wed, May 09 2012, 8:58 pm
2nd Imamother here
Go ahead give your gift. That was my attitude years ago.......
But I really hope you don't get hurt and feel hurt years down the line by your family. I was brought up in a very giving home. And my parents always gave gifts. But after you give birth to a child and you get five gifts in total from everybody you know and that is including relatives and you gave gifts to every relative and friend when they had a child you start feeling upset when nobody cares or thinks to recipricate. Even a five dollar stretchie my child did not get in return.
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sarlal
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Wed, May 09 2012, 9:01 pm
humbly, I don't think that you should address her reciprocative gift at all upon giving her a gift. I think that's insulting to her. let her be creative and figure out her own way of giving back. you're well-meaning and I respect you greatly for that. I just feel that telling her to give tzedaka instead of giving you a gift is demeaning and hurtful. like I said earlier, unfortunately this is her life...so she'll have a way of dealing with it, and if not then she will develop one. I mean that in a kind way, not in a harsh and cruel way. she knows she's poor -- she doesn't need you to remind her of that. what she does need is her sister. sisters give gifts. don't treat her differently. 
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amother
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Wed, May 09 2012, 9:02 pm
| amother wrote: | 2nd Imamother here
Go ahead give your gift. That was my attitude years ago.......
But I really hope you don't get hurt and feel hurt years down the line by your family. I was brought up in a very giving home. And my parents always gave gifts. But after you give birth to a child and you get five gifts in total from everybody you know and that is including relatives and you gave gifts to every relative and friend when they had a child you start feeling upset when nobody cares or thinks to recipricate. Even a five dollar stretchie my child did not get in return. |
OP here: I am sorry for your pain but that is just not my situation. If I were in your shoes I'd feel bad too if I spent years giving gifts to people who never reciprocated. But in this case it's a sister who has no money for her weekly groceries. Believe me, I'd feel awful if she'd reciprocated.
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amother
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Wed, May 09 2012, 9:27 pm
| sarlal wrote: | | humbly, I don't think that you should address her reciprocative gift at all upon giving her a gift. I think that's insulting to her. let her be creative and figure out her own way of giving back. you're well-meaning and I respect you greatly for that. I just feel that telling her to give tzedaka instead of giving you a gift is demeaning and hurtful. like I said earlier, unfortunately this is her life...so she'll have a way of dealing with it, and if not then she will develop one. I mean that in a kind way, not in a harsh and cruel way. she knows she's poor -- she doesn't need you to remind her of that. what she does need is her sister. sisters give gifts. don't treat her differently. |
Op here: that's kind of what I meant to say when I said that she would see right through it. It's indeed a tricky situation! Thank you and everyone else for your insights.
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chevron
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Thu, May 10 2012, 12:04 am
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But she won't loose any money if you get her something you know she would definitely need to get on her own even if she gives you back a gift that costs the same amount. So get her a practical gift and not a luxury item.
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amother
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Sat, May 12 2012, 11:00 pm
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I agree with 2nd imamother because I went thru exactly the same exact thing and no one understands how hurtful it is to constantly give everybody (especially in family) and never get back anything in return. It takes years till you feel the pain.
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amother
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Sat, May 12 2012, 11:26 pm
| amother wrote: | | I agree with 2nd imamother because I went thru exactly the same exact thing and no one understands how hurtful it is to constantly give everybody (especially in family) and never get back anything in return. It takes years till you feel the pain. |
OP here: yet, in my case, I do not WANT my sister to give back.
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amother
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Sun, May 13 2012, 1:19 am
| amother wrote: | | Op here. Well, it seems the consensus is that I should definitely give the gift! In case it wasn't clear, I'm not "keeping tabs" and I'm not "giving with the intention to get back" at ALL. I just don't want her to feel bad, that's all. And if she gives me something in return that I know she can't afford (which she probably will), it will negate the point of my gift (which is to help her by purchasing something for her she can't otherwise afford). Some of you had very nice suggestions about how to word it or to tell her to give it to tzeddakah... food for thought. I think either way she'll see through what I'm trying to do, but maybe it's worth it if she gets the item she needs. Thank you all! |
I was thinking about tis and I am not so sure. I am in a somewhat similar position to your sister, Only I realize that if I can't, I can't, and I don't. For her this could be a major presure. What about waiting until you have your baby and then sending her some of the extra gifts that you get that could be appropriate? You can even gift your baby yourself, if neccesary, and then pass it on. And allow her to do the same. You can send packages in the mailI live far from ost of my family and we do it all the time.
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