ARENT U HAPPY UR JEWISH???!!!LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

technic

Wed, Dec 20 2006, 6:58 am

Subject: Happy Holidays

If anyone asks you what the difference is between x-mas and
Chanukah you will know what and how to answer!

1. x-mas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also
love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to the
movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts
the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever
sure.
Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts
forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all
have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish
Congress, the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
(especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. x-mas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived,
let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks or
the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the
bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell x-mas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

5. x-mas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that
burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Hanukah.

6. x-mas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get
to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. x-mas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a
party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that
many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal
brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for x-mas smells wonderful like the sweet
smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in
festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The
home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Christian women have fun baking x-mas cookies. Jewish women
burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for
latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver presents to their children during x-mas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the
eight nights.

11. The players in the x-mas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph and Yoshke. The players in the Chanukah story are
Antiochus , Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or
pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and
they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela,
Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with
her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".

13. In recent years, x-mas has become more and more
commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a
minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as
Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest,
confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a
mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah