kafka as a mishpacha serial

mummiedearest

Wed, Jun 06 2012, 12:05 pm

ok, folks, I recently wrote this for a class I was taking. it is a spoof. do NOT take this too seriously. analyze it if you wish, my point was to poke some fun at the mishpacha style and its portrayal of shidduchim while bringing a little kafka into the mix.

Sheretz

Chaim’l awoke one morning to find that he mamish became a sheretz in the night. At first he couldn’t believe it. An accomplished yeshiva bochur, just starting in the parsha with an impeccable resume and a list five miles long, and he’s become vermin? Why not Yanky, his brother-in-law? Yanky’s career always came first, never learning. Besides, Yanky looked more like a sheretz with that old Stetson…
Sigh. Chaim’l scurried his way out of bed to reach the negel vasser cup. Hm. Can I make a bracha as a bug? he wondered. I must ask my rosh yeshiva. Well, I’d best do it without the bracha, just in case.
Chaim’l washed his hands as best he could without opposable thumbs. He scurried across the newly formed puddle on the floor to the door to get ready for davening.
*******

Suri was worried about her brother, Chaim’l. He’d been walking a bit funny lately. His jacket hung loosely on his shoulders, and his Borsalino covered most of his face. She wasn’t sure what had come over him, but Suri hoped he’d get over it by next Monday. After all, he had to be ready for his date with Goldie, her best friend since kindergarten.

*******

Goldie was so excited. She was finally going out with Chaim’l! After all these years, she’d finally hear his voice. Goldie had watched Chaim’l from afar until recently, when Suri finally decided to set them up. Goldie really wanted this shidduch to go through. Chaim’l was a good learner, a baal midos, and he never talked to girls. He’d make a perfect husband for Goldie, who wanted nothing more than to live a kollel lifestyle with a man who could imbue their home with kedusha. She was prepared to work part-time, and her parents had agreed to supply all other necessities until her husband got a position as a rosh yeshiva.

*******

Pesha hummed to herself as she prepared lunch. Her son was going to be home any minute. Chaim’l was going on a date this week, and he needed a new suit. Even though he had just bought one for Pesach, she felt he had to look his best. The Borsalino was fine, but that suit just didn’t cut it. A fine yeshiva bochur like Chaim’l should have the best, and she intended to get the best for him. But first, the suit…

********

Chaim’l didn’t know what to do. Ever since he had turned into a bug, he hadn’t been able to learn his usual daf a day b’iyun. He was sure it wasn’t his impending date with his sister’s friend that was bothering him. What was her name? Oh, yes, her name was Goldie. Chaim’l had bigger fish to fry. The rosh yeshiva was not certain of the halachos of brachos when one is a sheretz. Chaim’l felt odd learning without davening Birchas HaTorah in the morning. But Chaim’l reasoned that if it was a problem for a sheretz to make brachos, he wasn’t obligated in mitzvos anyway. Hence, he was allowed to learn Torah without the morning bracha. So he learned anyway, but with less enthusiasm than he previously had. Lately he had the urge to literally climb the walls. He didn’t know what to make of it. This was certainly not appropriate behavior for a top yeshiva bochur.

Chaim’l wondered why his parents hadn’t said anything about his astounding transformation. They hadn’t seen enough of him lately to really talk, but that afternoon is mother wanted to take him for a new suit. She normally had him buy his own clothes, but she wanted to orchestrate the perfect date for him and Goldie…

********

Pesha could not believe the tailor’s agitated state. So Chaim’l had gained a little weight around the middle. His legs were thin and gray, and his speech was interspersed with clicking sounds, but so what? He was still the most sought after bochur in town, and any girl who took issue with these minor details could go find herself a working boy. Pesha could never understand these picky girls. This generation is so spoiled, she thought to herself. And look at me, lucky enough to have a gem of a son. His future wife had better earn a lot of money. He deserves that much. And of course, any girl over size 2 was out of the running. A fat girl would never do. At least she knew a marriage with Goldie would work nicely. Such nice, rich parents. And Goldie was nothing if not attractive.

*********

Suri was second-guessing herself. Had she really not seen her brother in that long that he changed so much without her noticing? He looked so odd. Chaim’l’s eyes had gone all shifty, and his arms kept fluttering. And he couldn’t seem to keep his feet still. His hat occasionally bounced on his head. His tongue made buzzing noises in between sentences, and he kept walking into walls. Suri was sure this couldn’t be date-related stress, but what was it? Chaim’l barely spoke to the family anymore. He didn’t participate in meals. Her parents assumed he was learning in his room, but Suri was concerned that something was horribly wrong.

“Mommy?” Suri found her mother in the dining room, sipping coffee.

“What, Shaifelah? You know my morning coffee is my quiet time. Is this something urgent?”

“Well, I’m worried about Chaim’l. I think he may be sick. He’s acting so strange.”

“Oh, Suri. All boys act strange before they start dating. It’s in their nature. I’m sure he’s just nervous. Extra nervous because it’s Goldie. Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”

“But—“

“Really,” Pesha interjected. “Don’t make this more than it is. You know how hard it will be to marry him off if people think he’s sick? Focus on what’s important here, Suri. Don’t even think of mentioning this to anyone. Chaim’l will be fine.”

Suri sighed and resignedly left Pesha to her coffee. There was no sense in talking to Totty about it once Mommy had made up her mind.

*********

Chaim’l decided to try climbing the walls. No one ever bothered him in his room, and it couldn’t hurt. He took off his shoes and placed them neatly under the bed. He peeled off his socks with some difficulty; his feet were sticky with some kind of goo. It hadn’t been easy for Pesha to find him socks that fit nicely, but she had done it. It wouldn’t do to wear baggy socks while in the parsha, she had said.
Chaim’l placed his hands on the wall and tried to get his feet into place. They stuck nicely, and he slowly moved his way up the wall. He was three feet off the floor when Suri came barging in. Startled, Chaim’l lost his grip on the wall and fell with a loud thud. He landed on his back and flailed his arms and legs, failing to roll over. Chaim’l felt pathetic.

“How did you do that, Chaim’l?” asked Suri, wide-eyed. “You were climbing the wall!”

Chaim’l tried to answer, but all that came out was a hiss and a buzz. This had been happening more and more lately, especially when he was flustered. His chavrusas had left him one by one, and he had been slacking off in learning. Definitely not good for shidduchim. Mommy is going to kill me, he thought.

“Do you need help getting up, Chaim’l?” Suri leaned over to help her brother when she got a good look at his feet. Stifling a shriek of horror, she ran from the room, incredibly nauseated. What was happening to her brother?

********

Chaim’l waited outside Goldie’s house with some trepidation. He didn’t know what to expect from her parents. He knew he would make clicking noises during the interview, and there would go his chances of any normal shidduch. He’d just try to keep as silent as possible. And he’d try not to make that learner’s thumb-swoop he was so used to. His hands looked kind of odd these days. Better pull the Borsalino down over his head. His face needed to be ensconced in shadows to succeed at shidduchim.

********

Shloimy and Ahuva Lerner stared at Chaim’l. Was this the young man they had seen grow up? He seemed shorter. And they couldn’t see his face. It would be rude to ask him to remove his fedora, though. And he barely spoke. He must have been very nervous. The Lerners sent Chaim’l and Goldie off to their first date at the Brooklyn Marriott. Maybe Chaim’l would warm up over some water.

********

Goldie was so impressed. Her first date, and she found someone so serious! He wouldn’t look at her, speak more than a few words, or hold the door for her! What a proper bochur. She would have liked to get a glimpse of his face, but that’s what second dates were for…

********

Chaim’l came home exhausted. Goldie obviously liked him, but how could he continue to date her in his present state? It wouldn’t be fair to her. Were he not a sheretz, he would give a “yes” wholeheartedly. But he respected Goldie too much for that.

Chaim’l went to his room without talking to his mother, who was waiting to hear all the details. Pesha knocked on Chaim’l’s door.

“So you like Goldie?” she asked, eagerly awaiting his response.

“No,” stated Chaim’l vehemently. “We’re not going out again.”

“Why not?” inquired Pesha, exasperated already. “First you don’t want to go out, then you say no with no reason. You won’t even talk to me! I buy you a new suit, new socks, new shoes. Don’t you appreciate that enough to tell me why Goldie isn’t for you?”

Chaim’l opened his door. “Goldie is a lovely girl. I, however, am a sheretz. I cannot marry a girl. Not even Goldie.”

Pesha laughed nervously. “Zeeskeit, of course you’re a sheretz. You think Totty and I didn’t notice? But you have to give me a legitimate reason to say no. How would the family look if people knew our first-born became a sheretz? We need to keep up appearances. How will Suri get married with a brother like you?”

“Fine. She’s too blonde for me. Happy?”

“Yes, actually. Thank you.” Pesha turned to leave when Chaim’l spoke again.

“Mommy, what am I going to do? I can’t keep hiding forever.”

“Tell you what, Zeeskeit. Stay in the house for a few weeks. We’ll tell people you’ve gone out of state to date. In about a month we’ll announce your engagement to a fictional girl from South Africa. No one will want to come to the wedding, South Africa’s too far. We’ll have some wedding pictures photoshopped and benchers made. After that, you can do whatever you want. Okay, Chaim’l?”

Chaim’l thought this over. “I guess it’s the only option. Fine, I’ll do it.”

Next week:
Mazal tovs start to pour in to the Blumenfrucht home in Johannesburg. People think Sara Rifka Rochel Leah is engaged to a boy named Chaim’l Rottenberg from the States. Suri and Goldie are awkward around each other, and Suri is anxious about her upcoming family vacation to another continent.

please excuse the lack of proper formatting. all non-english words were originally italicized but didn't copy that way.