SIL said I need her "permission" to "use"

chaylizi

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 6:45 pm

iluvy wrote:

chaylizi wrote:

Sounds like she already knew you like the name Shoshana and is purposely being obnoxious. While it is kind of infantile, I would make a point of telling her that you have had your heart set on this name since before you knew her and you have no intention of asking her permission. Just so she knows how things are. It's much better than surprising her and having a possibly public scene.

I agree with the content of this, but it probably would be politic to frame it more as "Shoshy, since you brought this up with me, I wanted to tell you in advance that we do plan to name the baby Shoshana. I feel really bad that you are sensitive about this, but I've had my heart set on having a daughter named Shoshana for years."

And again, "I'm sorry you're upset about this, but this is really important to me. I'm telling you in advance so that you can get used to it."

Be sweet, apologize, and do what you want!

I agree she should be more polite than what I wrote in my post (it really wasn't intended to be a script), but I really fail to see what she should be apologizing for.

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 6:50 pm

Hey, thanks ladies!!

I mentioned this to my DH when SIL made the condition - at about 2 months pregnancy (I am now in my 9th) and he said, "so we won't use that name." He's the passive one and doesn't get why I would even be bothered. Rolling Eyes

So he can't be a help at all (which is why I tinker with the idea of approaching BIL myself.) Anyway, thank you all for each of your posts.

black sheep

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 6:51 pm

oh please! you do NOT have to ask permission to name your baby, go ahead and name her shoshana, and you don't owe your SIL any advance notice. after the naming, if she has anything negative to say, just say, "don't worry, sweet SIL, we named her after a tzadekes named shoshana, we did not have you in mind at all!" I think she is being very selfish and you should just ignore her on this one.

elf123

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 6:57 pm

It sounds to me almost like she KNEW you were thinking of/planning on using that name for a girl. Had you ever mentioned it to her casually in conversation prior to the conversation where she "warned" you? Otherwise, why in the world would it occur to her that there was a good chance that if you had a girl, you'd want to use that name?

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 7:02 pm

elf123 wrote:

Someone else mentioned that above. I really don't think she somehow knew. When I told her I was pregnant her FIRST WORDS were - you can't use MY name! I wasn't even thinking of her name at the time since we didn't yet know the gender of the baby.

At any rate, black sheep you crack me up!

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 7:39 pm

Reminds me of my motherinlaw - "I HATE the name Yehudah, I hope you never use it"

Well, guess what it's one of my all time favorite names and I always planned on having a Yehuda one day - I am not pregnant with my 3d boy and we finally used up all family names, but I have this nagging guilty feeling naming Yehuda because of that comment she made (like 7-8 years ago btw) I am still torn about it Sad

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 8:05 pm

amother wrote:

If I were you I would make sure to davka use that name. I mean, assuming I love the name, which I do. But that's just me.
Seriously, to you and OP: None of their Freakin business what name you use. Go ahead and name what you want. and Dont feel guilty about it.

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 9:40 pm

I actually dont find this to be so crazy.my family has a minhag(its real) that if you want to name your baby a name that one of your silbings or spouses siblings has you "ask permission" . Its more of a formal/polite/respect thing. For example my brothers name is yehuda and my dh's late grandfathers name was yehuda...the night before the bris I would approach my brother and ask him if its ok for me to name yehuda after my dh's grandfather. Happens to be that 2 of my sils named their oldest girls my name "just cuz they like it" I dont mind, anyways I dont generally go by my real name.I have been called a unique nick name since I was a baby. I think if they would have choosen to call their kids by my nick name I wouldnt have been too thrilled. When my sister was pregnant she asked if she wouls have a girl can she use my name(bil's great aunt had the same name) I said sure! But please dont use my nick name Smile

she said no way I would never! You are the only ____.
Maybe your sil's family has the same minhag??

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 9:43 pm

amother wrote:

I was molested by a Yehuda so I despise that name. It could be that something similar happened with your mil. Do you want her to look at her grandchild and be reminded of this each time she looks at him?

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 10:05 pm

amother wrote:

No, was nothing like that at all. They are BT and live out of town, I doubt they know many Yehuda's. Just a name she doesnt "like the sound of" in her words.

shalhevet

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 11:47 pm

amother wrote:

she said no way I would never! You are the only ____.
Maybe your sil's family has the same minhag??

This is ridiculous. Especially as it is practically a universal minhag not to tell the name before the bris. Maybe people should poll their entire families - down to second cousins - whether they approve the name or have an objection to it.

The only people who have the right to decide the name are the parents. Sometimes it might be appropriate to ask grandparents if you strongly feel they do/don't want a name. But anyone else? (apart from consulting a rav if necessary) - go jump in the lake.

OP, if she had an unusual name like Gittel Heftziba Elisheva Shprintza I could understand that she feels she 'owns' it. But Shoshanna? Pleeeeze. Tell her there have been another few parents since she was born who stole her name.

EvenI

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 11:57 pm

How about if you run the situation by your Rov before the baby is born and then, if the Rov says you don't have to ask, get back to her and say "by the way, I wasn't sure if you were right about my needing to ask your permission if I wanted to use your name, so I checked with my Rov and he said ...." and then you can go ahead and do whatever you want and she will know why you did what you did.