new topic for this week- EMUNAH

WhoAmINow

Sun, Jul 15 2012, 7:49 pm

Tough topic! But here's my attempt:

EMUNAH

I do not know the master plan,
but it is good to know that the Master has a plan
and I am in it.

I saw that many years ago on a poster on a friend's wall. I found it very wise and profound, a good way to be at peace with the world we live in:
* The Master has a plan. Everything that happens, to me or anyone else, is part of the plan.
* I trust the Master. The Master is entirely good, and so the Master's plan is good too.
* Therefore, gam zu l'tovah.
That's emunah. Right?

It all makes excellent logical sense. But sometimes it's not about logic. Sometimes it's not about naming rational conclusions. Logically it's a very short step from "the Ribbono shel Olam is good" to "THIS is good"; but emotionally it can be an all-but-impossible stretch over a deep, deep chasm.

When I'm emunah-challenged, I can remind myself over and over that HaShem is good and this is from HaShem, but it rolls right off me like water off a duck. My frightened or grumbling innards take those sanctimonious reminders -- and just about everything else, come to think of it -- as unsympathetic, obnoxious irritants. My response, not only to friends but even to myself, is, "You just don't get it. You don't understand." I treat reminders from my own mouth as outsiders. I keep right on panicking, snarling, and assuming that my emotions of the moment are eternal truth.

That's pretty powerful denial. But what am I denying? "You don't understand" -- and *I* do? Am I really straining to disbelieve in the goodness of G-d? I don't think so. I think it's a spiritual temper tantrum. Some very basic part of me is thinking, if I howl my objections loud enough, squeeze my eyes shut tight enough, refuse to budge stubbornly enough, am outraged enough at the very idea that I should have to put up with this, then I can make it go away. Oh yes I can. I can. Or I could if you'd stop interfering. Shut up. I can so!

You...who?

Reality? Myself? HaShem? Certainly nothing I can actually get away from.

I've made the claim, SO many times: if I understood, if only I knew how this is good, I would be okay. But even if I could do that, it's not the point. The whole point is getting past the notion that the inside of my head is where good gets defined. Emunah is (to translate clumsily from the Hebrew) amen-ness. Saying Amen to whatever HaShem is up to. Not just conceding that this senselessness makes sense to HaShem. Not just putting up with it. Getting behind it. Saying, "Yes. What HaShem said."

That doesn't mean I know what it is that HaShem said. It's not about understanding the immense, profound composition that is the Song of Olam HaZeh. It's about hearing whatever bits are in my range right now, and realizing that they must be part of the music. Even discord has its place. If that's all I can hear right now, well, then, that's all I can hear. Emunah means knowing that this sort-of-song I hear, no matter what it sounds like, is still part of the Whole Song. "*I* don't get it, HaShem. I really, REALLY don't get it. But it's Your Song, and I'm singing along as best I can."

That's what I need to learn: to get out of the way of the music. To let all the demands for explanations slip to one side, take a deep breath, and sing.

Not applaud. Not give HaShem a good review. Just sing. Sing a song of pain or horror if that's all I have. But sing. Sing along -- and mean it. Even just for a moment.

And if I can do that, then perhaps...sometimes...I might, by HaShem's grace, get caught up in the music and keep singing. As another poster I saw in my college days said:

A bird does not sing because it has an answer.
It sings because it has a song.