He refused our gift, should we try again?

amother

Wed, Aug 08 2012, 5:31 am

A couple of weeks ago, some friends of ours had their 6th baby girl B"H.

My DH went to the naming and handed the father of the baby a gift of some cash in an envelope. It wasn't perfectly obvious it was cash, could have been a card but cash is generally given here so he probably realised what it was.

Anyway, my DH said he refused to take the gift. My DH said it was not that he was saying "Oh, you shouldn't have" but was prepared to take it anyway, he said that he said "you needn't have come" and actually refused the gift.

Now, my DH is not the most socially aware person and there is a small chance he might not have read the situation correctly. Likewise, the other guy is a baal teshuva who has become very extreme with his religious observance and has in the past behaved in ways which could be considered impolite in an effort be more religious.

In this situation would you try again to give a gift? Maybe put the envelope in their mail or use the money to buy them an actual gift that we could either leave in their mail or give to someone to give to them. Or should we just accept that they actually do not want a gift from us?

We recently had a baby B"H and they gave us an outfit as a gift. Actually, he gave it to his mother to give to DH's mother who then gave it to us.

amother

Wed, Aug 08 2012, 6:06 am

Liba wrote:

Some people aren't comfortable accepting cash. They gave you an outfit. I would send back something similar.

Yeah I get that. In the community I'm from it is not done at all to give cash but here, almost everyone does it so I would have thought this couple would at least be used to it. They have for sure accepted cash gifts before from us and others. Rightly or wrongly, it is the default gift here.

We could get a gift, they gave us an outfit but I don't think getting the same for them would be useful. They've had a baby girl every 15-18 months and this is their 6th so I imagine they have enough clothes for every season.

groisamomma

Wed, Aug 08 2012, 10:28 am

Regardless of whether he is being rude or religious, if you want to give a gift cash isn't working. An outfit they don't need.

How about a gift card indicating it's for the mother to pamper herself with? I don't believe he'll refuse a gift given to his wife.

imaamy

Wed, Aug 08 2012, 11:56 am

Did I read that correctly that he said to your DH, "You needn't have come?" That is SO rude! I wouldn't give them a thing except ex-friendship. What kind of thing is that to say to someone who makes an effort to celebrate your simcha with you?

kenz

Wed, Aug 08 2012, 12:18 pm

auntie_em wrote:

Why do you think he said "You needn't have come"? Is there bad blood between the 2 men? Or between you and the wife? That is a very odd thing to just out-of-the-blue say to someone.

I had the same reaction - could your DH have insulted him in some way?

Hashemlovesme

Wed, Aug 08 2012, 12:34 pm

he could've said it in a nice way, like you shouldn't have gone out of your way to come"
I'd buy toys for the older kids

off topic, but dh told the woman arranging meals that we didn't need b/c I had stocked the freezer before birth. he really didn't get why we'd need meals. (I had him call her right back as soon as he told me!)

sky

Wed, Aug 08 2012, 3:42 pm

Just to be DKLZ "You needn't have come" sounds to me like telling someone you didn't have to come, but you did, so I'm happy you are here.
Like saying to someone "you shouldn't have". Meaning you didn't have to do it so I appreciate it even more.