developing willpower and self-discipline to say NO

bigsis144

Tue, Aug 21 2012, 12:47 am

aka, how not to give in out of laziness/whatever and spoil your kids.

The recent CIO threads got me thinking, and I was debating whether or not to post this in the Natural Parenting haven, because I think the personality differences between people who are drawn to attachment parenting and those who take the other (don't even know what to call it) approach would give me very different answers.

Like, if you breastfeed on demand, cosleep, etc., do you find it harder to later on say NO to your children when necessary?

I've got only one kid so far, that I breastfed on demand, wore DS in a sling, coslept with, the whole shebang, because I felt it's what worked best for my family and my sanity. Just pulling my shirt up half-asleep in the middle of the night to nurse was SO much more restful than getting out of bed to nurse in a chair, return the baby to the crib, etc. And I firmly believe that you can't spoil a baby that way.

But now that my DS is 2.5 years old, I feel like I missed that magical, elusive, invisible stage at which I had to start saying NO to him, and I'm terrified that I'm spoiling him.

Oh, I do say no to him, and have said no for as long as I can remember -- I feel like that's all I ever do!

I know DS is going through the terrible twos, but sometimes I truly lack the willpower to keep fighting with him -- putting him in time out, taking away toys that he's broken, refusing to give him juice during the week, making him brush his teeth -- and I give in because I will NEVER EVER be as stubborn as he is. And I feel like as much as I say no, I relent too frequently. Every time I give in, I am chipping away at the wall, and both DS and I know I'm more likely to give in next time.

How do I increase my self-discipline and ability to ignore his cries in order to do the correct parenting thing, or is this something I should have been working on since the day he was born?

ElTam

Tue, Aug 21 2012, 1:47 am

It's not helping kids to say no and no and then give in. If that's the case, just say yes in the first place and let the kid do whatever he wants. Honestly, it's better chinuch (not good chinuch, but better chinuch) to let the kid run riot without saying no than to say no and not mean it. Because every time you say no, you are teaching him that you don't mean what you say and that if he is just obnoxious enough, he'll get what he wants. So, it's better to just skip the whining, fits, etc. and let him eat lollipops for breakfast or whatever it is he wants.

My suggestion would be to take some parenting classes or read some books. Kids need boundaries. They need structure. They need us to be the grownups and protect them from themselves. It is very hard, particularly if you have a strong-willed child, but I guarantee you you can be more stubborn than him if you keep in mind you are saying no for his good, for his betterment, and for his safety. Kids who don't have rules at home don't know how to act with other kids or with other adults. They have a hard time making friends or succeeding in school.

You clearly love your child, and discipline is part of being a loving parent.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Aug 21 2012, 4:21 am

de_goldy wrote:

I think if you fill your kids needs as much as possible, they are much more willing to take "no" when it's actually necessary. The nursing and co-sleeping only helps.

I agree with this. If you know your child is well-fed, clean, did fun things that day, etc, he will be less cranky, and you won't feel guilty - which is often the basis for not saying 'no'.

And I agree that it's hard to say 'no'. I"ve learned to save 'no's' for really important things. Choose your battles, as they say.

There are some 'no's' you can avoid. You don't want to give him juice during the week? Don't buy it, or hide it. We also stopped with the soft drinks/juices during the week - by not having them around at all. Otherwise, it's too many 'no's' that can be avoided.

Ruchel

Tue, Aug 21 2012, 9:41 am

My parents were not the natural type (they didn't even know from it) but they had the hardest time "frustrating me". They readily acknowledge that unless I was in danger or it was immoral, they let it go.

I'm much more natural (though no co sleeping and sling, first "beshitta" second "be weight" Wink

) I have no problem saying no when I'm convinced it's bad. But I have to fight being "too understanding" which prevents me from seeing it's bad Wink

sky

Tue, Aug 21 2012, 1:07 pm

I agree with saving "no" for the important things. I don't think hearing "No" more often makes it easier. Its always hard. Even as an adult I have a hard time hearing no.

I was just reading from R' Shamshon Rofoel Hirsh (someone gave me a copy) that you should try to say no as little as possible. Only for things that are always no, it can't be because of your mood or how you feel. And once it is no, then it is always no. It cannot change. He wrote it pretty strongly.
Its definitely not easy, something that I struggle with, but I try not to say no unless I need to and I keep in mind when I say it that I cannot change my mind.

there is a story with two rabbanim (don't remember their names off hand) speaking on shabbos. The son of one kept throwing rocks. His father kept telling him to stop because it was shabbos. After a few times the second rav told him that he is only teaching him not to listen to his father. That you should only say stop or no, if it will happen, if it won't happen, then don't say it.