Starting to exercise when DH is NOT AT ALL supportive

amother

Tue, Oct 02 2012, 6:21 am

So I don't have the best marriage and a DH who is very negative, as a general rule, and not supportive of me in just about anything.

We're both overweight, too, and were both reasonably healthy when we got married (I was in my 30s, he in his 40s). We put on a lot of weight together the first year of marriage, and then I continued to put on weight with the pregnancies, and now 17-ish years later I'm solidly 50 to 60 pounds overweight and a little too old to lose it too easily.

When I've suggested exercise, he'll start pontificating about how all we have to do to lose weight is take the stairs every day (we're on the sixth floor) and how he takes the stairs three times every Shabbos so he's much healthier and I should listen to him.

As an example of his attitude. He's got a very short temper and he also has this idea that his way is the only way that anything can ever be right ... well, anyway, he's difficult.

We're sort of in therapy, because we have a therapist helping us with our special-needs son, so in the context of therapy related to him we sometimes manage to get our own issues aired. It's the only way it'll happen, because he refuses to go to therapy with me otherwise, or to a rav.

Okay.

So to exercise, at the end of all of this, I was thinking to start walking. But even getting out of the house can be a problem. ("I thought you have all this work to do, how come you suddenly have time to do this?")

And another question that's kind of tangential but really not, what do you wear to exercise outside? And what kind of bra? (I'm large-chested and feeling like I'll probably have to tape them down to be even remotely tzanua LOL)

So anyway, if anyone has any suggestions or commiserations or advice or can even give me an "I've been there," I'd appreciate it.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Oct 02 2012, 6:36 am

There comes a time when a person has to realize their spouse is not a supportive person (which you've done), and then decide to live their life to the fullest anyway.
You want to exercise. You want to be healthy. You know these are good, normal desires. You don't need dh's approval. Go for it. Carve yourself out that hour in the evening. If you have small babies/special needs and he just won't cooperate and look after them, you may have to carve out time in the afternoon or early mornnig.

If you can afford it, join a gym.
You can't let him stop him from living your life. Ignore his remarks.

chani8

Tue, Oct 02 2012, 12:33 pm

My DH was able to lose 30 pounds in a month just by not eating more than 100 carbs a day and exercising daily. The exercise routine that I help design for him, does not require his leaving the house and takes about 30 minutes. He's turning 60 soon and looks and feels great. If you want to know the exercise routine, I'd be happy to explain it. It's great for very out of shape people, and being that you're doing it in the home, it doesn't matter what you wear. It's free, no going to the gym, and my whole family (teens included) are enjoying it and getting in shape.

amother

Tue, Oct 02 2012, 2:47 pm

freidasima wrote:

And if your husband won't let you do any food shopping and controls things to that degree, exercizing or not seems to be the least of your problems. Meaning there is a basic issue which, if not solved, will make it extremely difficult to deal with any other problems which may very well be an outgrowth of the main issue.

I know that. This is not news to me. And I pointed that out in the OP and the title of the thread makes it clear that this is not the healthiest marriage in the world.

But honestly, I don't have too much in the way of options here. Except to take better care of myself. Which is the point of the thread.

amother

Tue, Oct 02 2012, 2:53 pm

amother wrote:

freidasima wrote:

Still me. (I didn't realize that posting anonymously meant that it won't let me edit my own posts. LOL) It's pretty clear that his personality issues won't be "solved" any time soon, if ever. He just turned 60. In another month or two I turn 50. We're not kids, we're not newlyweds, and we did get married in middle age in the first place so I kind of knew what I was getting into (but at the time thought it better than remaining single for the rest of my life, which was how it felt at the time / my mid 30s). And we're BTs so yes, I had a past, as did he, and I knew actually what healthy relationships felt like.

The only advantage my DH had over them is his almost bizarre loyalty. They didn't do monogamy; and that's all DH ever has known how to do. And at the time, to me, that trumped his various personality issues.

I know, I know. Should've thought it through more thoroughly, probably. It's a done deal now. So the question is how to get me in shape and healthy so I can survive all of this and be there for my kids. Smile

chani8

Tue, Oct 02 2012, 6:05 pm

You sound very clear and realistic, as well as motivated to take charge of your health.

To make it simple, regarding the diet, you need to assess your daily food intake, and see how you can cut your carbs down to 100. In order to achieve this, you will have to cut out the junk food and nosh and treats and sugar.

However, within those 100 carbs, you need only count the starches, and any healthy carbs, specifically fresh (non-starchy) vegetables, are free (you can eat as much as you want).

In case you don't know, problematic carbs include potatoes, corn, white flour, white rice, and most processed foods (crackers, cereal), and sugar.

If you don't want to change things too fast, tell me what you eat on a typical day.

Here is what we would eat:

7am Coffee with 3% Milk
8am Breakfast: Small bowl of Fiber One cereal with 3% Milk
10am Brunch: Two eggs with sauteed veggies and/or 1 piece of spelt or rye toast.
1pm Lunch: (Leftover from the night before) Chicken/Fish/Beef and stir fry veggies.
4pm Snack: 1 piece of toast with thin spread of sugar free peanut butter or tuna in mayo.
7pm Dinner: Chicken/Fish/Beef and roasted or boiled veggies.
On Shabbos, we eat multi grain or rye challah, plus add wild rice for Fri eve. Instead of the standard cholent, we eat roast beef with peas, lentils, carrots, and yams (instead of potatoes).

On days that you are particularly hungry, then you can eat as much as 4 pieces of bread a day. And if you need a snack, it's better to choose a piece of rye bread (toast it to make it like a cracker) than to eat an actual cracker.

So this is basically a Low Carb, Sugar Free diet. It is similar to the popular and successful Atkins or other Low Carb diets, except that it is much easier and not dangerous in any way.

The Fiber One cereal is important. As would be changing to breads that list a fiber content of 10 grams, or more, of fiber per 100g. Rye bread or multi-grain breads that have seeds are more likely to be high in fiber. Whole wheat usually isn't much better than white bread. Pita is also not helpful, nor are tortillas. However, if you cannot eat high fiber carbs, then eat what is available, but just know it will make the dieting a bit harder. The high fiber foods will keep you feeling full longer.

To drink, you should drink lots of, and only, water, water with fresh lemon or lime, green tea (not flavored), and of course one or two coffees per day. No juices. And diet soda will likely turn your stomach after 3 days on the diet, but anyway, lay off the diet soda as much as possible because it messes with blood sugar levels and makes dieting harder.

Oh, and for dessert on Shabbos, we eat 3 dried dates with an almond stuffed in the middle, or one sugar free hard candy. No desserts during the week.

If you manage to get your fiber intake up, then you should eat a plum or an apple a day, as well, to keep from getting constipated.

If you are having trouble understanding this, then tell me what you would eat, and I'll tell you how to cut the carbs.

bpgirl

Tue, Oct 02 2012, 11:53 pm

chani8 wrote:

So no fruit on this diet?

FranticFrummie

Wed, Oct 03 2012, 1:34 am

There is a very deep dynamic going on when one overweight spouse want's to lose. It's never just about the partner being unsupportive, it's about a whole load of issues, and none of them are pretty.

The other one gets worried that the thinner one will get "too attractive" and possible cheat on them. The overweight one will do literally ANYTHING to sabotage their partner's weight loss. It's insecurity, plus it's another level of control. There's a lot of power in keeping someone fat, miserable and having low self esteem.

My advice is to take up running. Run away from this jerk, and don't look back!

33055

Wed, Oct 03 2012, 3:21 am

amother wrote:

Squishy wrote:

When I walk outdoors to exercise I wear all cotton loose clothing with a cotton teichal. I wear a long skirt with cotton socks. I also wear a sports bra. I have one with a front zipper which holds me best.

Hatzloucha with the walking.

Can you recommend a sports bra? Like a brand?

I have all sorts of problems with bras anyway. I've got (TMI warning) nipples that think I'm still breastfeeding all the time, which is something I need to deal with, too. If anyone's got a recommendation on what to do on that score, I'll take that, too. LOL

My sports bra does not have a brand name. I just checked. I bought them in Sears. I buy a smaller size bra to exercise than I normally do.

I have bought sports bras from Victorias Secret and Walmart. The Walmart ones stretch too much. The bras from Sears are comparable to the ones from Victorias Secrets and about one third cheaper.

amother

Wed, Oct 03 2012, 3:33 am

Squishy wrote:

amother wrote:

Squishy wrote:

I feel like this should be a subthread title ... not only is DH not at all supportive, my bras aren't at all supportive. LOL

When I lived in the States and before I had kids I occasionally bought bras from Victoria's Secret, but then I was much much much smaller. Never found a bra at VS once we got past the "perky" stage. LOL

I bet Sears would be good. Will ask my mom to look there for me, good suggestion. Thanks.