Would you give a bigger gift if coming with your spouse?

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 10:52 am

We recently made a simcha and some people came by themselves. My question is if they gave us lets say fifty dollars and now we are going to their simcha as a couple do I give them fifty dollars or do I give one hundred dollars because we are going as a couple? I just threw a random number here.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 11:49 am

amother wrote:

you're not buying your plate, give the gift you would give them in any case.

Well, that depends on your circles and the country you are in. In my parts, you are indeed buying your plate.
I bring double if I come as a couple, and that's what all my guests do.

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 12:50 pm

I give what I feel comfortable giving for a simcha, and it may be similar to what the recipient gave me or my family member previously, or it may not. We don't worry too much about tit-fot-tat reciprocity.

In general, I think it is appropriate to give a more generous gift if more people are attending, but it isn't a hard rule (in the US).

nyer1

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 3:42 pm

I usually cover at least the seats. That's just how I was raised.

Granted I didn't grow up frum, but I dont understand how ppl come to a wedding without a gift. I know the wedding is not about the gifts, but it does help the couple to start out. My parents made a very nice wedding for us, and there were so many people who just did t give a gift. I'm not a shallow person, but I was just shocked.

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 3:52 pm

Times have changed. Today no one is expected to bring anything. There are just too many simchas, and the one making the simcha is paying for the amount of seats that he ordered, usually a minimum in some places of 200 or 250 couples, no matter how many attend. It has become proper that unless you are a close friend or relative, you only come after the meal or for the chupa to say mazel tov.
But even if you are close, and staying for the full wedding, you are not obligated nor expected to give a gift. It is common to have close weddings very often, due to the larger population, and everyone can just be generous as they can be to their own children instead of to others' children.
That's just how it is today.
If you continue to give, you stay the fool, and come to resent it, that's what happened to me.
After giving and giving, and never seeing any returns, I have had enough. The first time it was hard to go to a simcha and give nothing, because I was expected to attend, yet my children never got a gift from them. These are people of means, but very selfish. I learned from them to play their game, be selfish when it comes to others, and be generous to my own children instead.....
If I do make an exception and give, I think of it as tzedaka, and give without any expectations.
But it has become financially impossible to "pay for the plate" especially if the simcha is in a very expensive place. Where the simcha is cheap (less than a few thousand in total for both families) no one even dreams of getting a gift, it has become so out of style... poor young couples start out poor and stay that way, unless their parents help them.

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 11:09 pm

OP we live in Brooklyn.

I'm not walking in empty handed because they gave a gift. It was not alot. In the past I was very generous and walked into any simcha giving 100.00 or more. After I just made a simcha and people walked in empty handed my attitude is different. I want to give this couple something because they gave my kids a gift. But I'm wondering how it works when only one spouse attends a simcha.

amother

Tue, Nov 20 2012, 11:49 pm

amother wrote:

You can make your decision based on your financial circumstances, and it really makes no difference on the amount you give. You can be as generous as you wish, or as you can afford. Or just give a nice amount that you feel is fair, they will really not care about $50 up or down.

sunflower_seed

Wed, Nov 21 2012, 9:25 am

Imho its not nice to go without a gift at all.
When we got married we received all kind of gifts, also moneywise- the smallest amout was 20 euros.
But I was thankful to those people because they thought of us they wrote us a card etc.
There were quite a few guests- some of them quite well off to afford to give at least something, even if its an ugly vase for 5 euros that was on sale.
When people give nothing its like they dont care for you they just come to eat.
I know in majority cases its not true but this is how I felt about it.

Ruchel

Wed, Nov 21 2012, 12:03 pm

I also think it's not nice to come empty handed unless really there's a good reason for that. But I also don't think money is necessarily a nice gift from a very close person, and I know many disagree. I also find very non nice to invite lots of people to chuppa but not meal - while I know in some places it's normal.