ds has gone awol two nights in a row

imasinger

Tue, Nov 27 2012, 3:35 pm

OK, I'll get serious now.

Huge hugs; I sympathize, having dealt with a similar situation (but not all night). I"yH, he will come back unharmed, and then you can proceed. Use this time to plan, rather than only worrying and agonizing (not that the worrying and agonizing will stop, but just you can have something constructive happen while it's going on.)

First step is to pin him down, and don't let him up until he tells you what is going on. If it were me, I'd be drinking lots of coffee tonight, and doing whatever it took to grab him the second he walks in the door. When he tries to put you off, don't accept it. Tell him that you need him to tell the truth, and don't stop until you are sure you have it. If necessary, consider canceling school and any other obligations to take him to someone (in school or therapist) to talk to until you have the truth.

Second step (if he 'fesses up sooner rather than later) is to seek help. Talk to his rebbes/teachers, and find out if he is doing OK in school. See if you can find a good counselor to help you move forward. You want to address several underlying issues. Why is he breaking house rules? And why is he lying about it? What is underneath this behavior? There is likely something that is bothering him that will need to be dealt with.

Third step -- effective consequences. Is there anything that he really enjoys at home, that can be revoked as a consequence for not coming home? And what can you use as a backup? I might take away electronic game time, and threaten to hire a personal babysitter to keep tabs on him round the clock if he pulls this again, but that's just an initial reaction.

I recommend the book "Get out of my life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall" as a sensible, humorous way to help you deal with teenagers and their shenanigans. Don't worry too much, and remember -- you are not alone!

the world's best mom

Tue, Nov 27 2012, 6:58 pm

When a child deserves a hug the least, that's when he needs it the most.

Yes, you want to get to the bottom of the situation. You need to get the truth out of him and get him help if necessary. But don't forget to let him know without a doubt that he means the world to you and that you will love him no matter what he has done. When all is said and done, 20 years down the line, that's what he'll remember the most. It can make or break your relationship for life.

amother

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 3:57 am

ok, we got to the bottom of it - but it took taking away his glasses while he was sleeping to "persuade" him to tell me the truth. (I promised him that all I wanted was that he 'fess up - no punishment or consequences.)

let's just say that this is (obviously) not the first "incident", it's one more fallout of a divorce.

[don't let him go to school? Rolling Eyes

I assume that this wasn't said by a mother of teens - do you really think that a kid who's acting out like this is in school???]

thx for everyone's concern

amother

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 6:14 am

yeah, you can tell some of these people don't have teens, or at least not problematic teens. Hire a personal babysitter to make sure the kid doesn't escape? I assume you must mean a male, since a 20 yr old girl won't be very useful here. You realistically think a big man is going to stand guard over op's son and make sure he doesn't leave the house? That's going to cause him to be a lot more obedient. Not.

As for punishing by not allowing him to go to school....talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

amother

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 11:06 am

amother wrote:

[anyhow, things are back to "normal" now (whatever that means) signed, OP]

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 12:08 pm

greenfire wrote:

a neshama can fend for itself ... so if you're not worried about his guf & it's safe to say he's alive ... try to do something to relax yourself to sleep ... cause exhaustion doesn't help much of anything & only exacerbates our motherly feelings of worry

lots of hugs Hug

With respect I disagree. This is not cool and the kid is either trying for attention or badly needs it. This is no time for relaxing and letting it pass IMHO. I agree with the strong coffee and the door vigil. A person is either an adult or he is not. Fifteen isn't, and can't go AWOL , absent without official leave.

His mom might say, look, DS, if you are sampling the supposed sweets of the non-frum life, that might not be our way, but such things do exist. But you are sure as heck are going to do any sweets-sampling during the DAY, not in the night. That is the law, my sweet.

It is one thing to have a kid who doesn't agree with you about some things, and it is quite another to have a kid who is in, er, difficulties. The night is different from the day even for people who are not underage. This is unsafe behavior and has to stop.

Make sure he knows that your point is that you are on his side and want him to be ok. NOT that you are on your own side and have your feathers in a flutter about your own feelings and beliefs being violated, or what the family/neighbors might think, and all. HIM. Not you. You might have to be an askable parent, and have a frank talk about the consequences of s.x, stealing, and drug use, those hardy perennials. Tell him he can always, always, talk you, about no matter what. Even the worst. You aren't going to love it but he can come to you.

But the main thing is to keep it to the daytime.

Tell him manhood is coming very soon, and he can then do whatever he wants. But not now. Tell him they are not going to run out of it in the store. Everything will still be there in a few years.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Thu, Nov 29 2012, 12:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

Barbara

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 12:18 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

greenfire wrote:

With respect I disagree. This is not cool and the kid is either trying for attention or badly needs it. This is no tiime for relaxing and letting it pass IMHO. I agree with the strong coffee and the door vigil. One is either an adult or one is not. Fifteen isn't, and can't go AWOL , absent without official leave.

His mom might say, look, DS, if you are sampling the supposed sweets of the non-frum life, that might not be our way, but. You are sure as heck going to do your sweets-sampling during the DAY, not in the night. That is the law, my sweet. And I don't want to hear about it. That means it can't have consequences I might notice. Get it?

That will give him some leeway but also put limits on his leeway.

It is one thing to have a kid who doesn't agree with and it is quite another to have a kid who is in difficulties. The night is different from the day even for people who are not underage.

How?

What will the consequences be? How would you enforce them?

You'd ground the kid? He's already sneaking out at night. Unless you handcuff him to his bed, or hire an armed guard, he will be able to leave the house, whether at 9 pm while you're in the restroom, or at 2 am while you're asleep.

Take away ... what, exactly?

Threaten to kick him out, not let him back in, change the locks? Would you really be willing to do that to a 15 year-old?

OP needs to get her son on board with any rules and any consequences. And that involved talking an listening and compromises and a whole lotta luck.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 12:24 pm

No no, I meant no threats at all. No taking this or that away. Never. Ever. Just, "Kid, I am concerned, and there are facts. A big fact is you are not yet a man. Another fact is the day is not the night. A third is you can come to me."

By consequences, I meant real world consequences, not punishments at home. Unpleasant life events. That kind of consequences.

"DS, there is some money put away for you, for your future, to start you in life. If you present me with a grandchild, then he/she becomes the future, the hope of the family and he/she gets your future-money. And you can push a broom to support him/her. That's what we do in our family. We give our all for our children. Those are our eternal values, and they apply to you, too."

So how do you enforce? You can't. You just motivate and instruct.

The kid, using normal prudence, may procure a spare pair of glasses against the next time.

So, OP will just continue to motivate and instruct, because she can't really win this war, if it is reduced to a war. So, it won't be. Very few people make war on their own mothers, especially an obviously nice mother like OP.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Thu, Nov 29 2012, 12:39 pm; edited 2 times in total

Tablepoetry

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 12:36 pm

At the age of 15, there is not much you can do. You have to get to his soul and convince him that he wants to change his ways.
A 15 yr old is not a 5 yr old. You can't ground him. Well, you can, if he's a reasonable, easygoing 15 yr old. But then we wouldn't be in this situation, would we?
I do know 15 yr olds who you can threaten, if you aren't home on time, no computer for you. Or if you disobey me, we won't take you on the trip to the amusement park next week. And it works, and the kid behaves.

But a troubled 15 yr old doesn't give a d@mn about computer time or the amusement park, or at least will not ever admit to caring. It's very difficult to find a 'punishment' that will deter, and therefore it's far better to adopt a different tactic.

ellie23

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 12:44 pm

I respectfully disagree witht eh previous poster saying to demand the answer out of him by ambushing him the moment he comes home..I find that aggressive and not suitable for most adolescent personalities. instead of conflict, promote collaboration. by this I mean have a conversation. ask your son when (not if) he would like to go out with you within the next 2 days. isolate a couple of hours of time in the evening and take him to a neutral spot. a restaurant or something. there, you discuss that you notice he is not home a lot at night and you want to have a conversation about that. let him know you want him to have a good time and be able to feel like a teenager but it is your job to guide him to do this in a healthy way. just talk to him. whats happening in school, what he is worried about, looking forward to. best thing you can do is foster a great relationship with him so that he can talk to you when he needs to. guide him and support him as a mother should. you arent trying to be his buddy and you do know dangers that he doesnt so he needs you desperately to guide him and to love and accept him.

greenfire

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 1:01 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

greenfire wrote:

don't know what the hell you're saying & I beg to differ

keep it to the daytime ??? are you joking ???

my point is that sometimes you cannot change certain things so you might as well sometimes try to sleep ... since she wasn't worried if he was alive ... key word here A L I V E ... I suggested getting sleep ... believe me I've been in the position to not know if my kid was alive ... being a rebel has it's exhaustion and a mother needs some reprieve !!!

imasinger

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 2:05 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks a lot for all your assumptions, and for attacking me without the courage of using your own s/n.

As a matter of fact, I do have teens, and I do have a problematic teen DS who has gone awol a number of times. We are working very hard with him to try to solve the problem.

I didn't talk about the love and support part, maybe because in our family's situation, it's such a given that DS knows we love and support him and want to help him get over his issues. The tone of the OP showed similar love, so I didn't feel a need to articulate it.

To recap what I said, my advice was:

1. Find out where he was, and don't let anything else happen until you know that.
2. Get him some help
3. Create some kind of deterrent to try to prevent it happening again.

Even though people may take issue with the colorful details (which I said were a first reaction, meaning, about the armed guard part, wishful thinking, and about the school part, well, some kids who are struggling still are embarrassed to change routine), those were not what I thought was the ikkar of my post.

I'd like to know which one of those 3 points was such bad advice.

About the daytime/nighttime thing. It's no safer for a kid to be out doing who knows what in the daylight than at night. Some nights, one can wait up and squawk, and others, one might fall asleep because it's just not possible to stay awake any later. Depends on the situation.

Whatever. My DS's issues are not your family's issues, or not OP's family's issues, so I guess different strategies work for different people. In any case, I'm glad OP's DS was able to talk with her, and I hope things improve. For all of us.