ds has gone awol two nights in a row

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Ds has gone awol two nights in a row

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StripedFlower

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 7:38 pm

greenfire wrote:

a neshama can fend for itself ... so if you're not worried about his guf & it's safe to say he's alive ... try to do something to relax yourself to sleep ... cause exhaustion doesn't help much of anything & only exacerbates our motherly feelings of worry

I don't see how that is helpful advice to a frum mother!

StripedFlower

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 7:40 pm

greenfire wrote:

my point is that sometimes you cannot change certain things so you might as well sometimes try to sleep ... since she wasn't worried if he was alive ... key word here A L I V E ... I suggested getting sleep ... believe me I've been in the position to not know if my kid was alive ... being a rebel has it's exhaustion and a mother needs some reprieve !!!

Huh?

To many (if not most) frum parents, worrying about their child's neshama is just as concerning as worrying about their lives.

greenfire

Thu, Nov 29 2012, 7:48 pm

StripedFlower wrote:

I don't see how that is helpful advice to a frum mother!
Huh?

To many (if not most) frum parents, worrying about their child's neshama is just as concerning as worrying about their lives.

well then let me try to explain ... the same way one can call 911 & go to the hospital on shabbos to save a life ... despite shabbos being a holy day ... one must focus first on the emotional stability of a guf before you can reach their neshama

I'll assume your naivety comes from not having such problems if not you're just pushing your children further away from 'frumkeit'

amother

Fri, Nov 30 2012, 1:26 am

ok, calm down people - he's not running away from frumkeit nor is he trying to impregnate anyone's dd - he's truly addicted to movies - they're his drug of choice to attempt to self-sooth his depression and stress related to the home he grew up in - and I was trying to keep him away from our home computer, so he ran off to use someone else's.

to each our own nisyonos - and it defeats any purpose to try and compare them - now you can continue your own discussion if you wish.

Dolly Welsh

Fri, Nov 30 2012, 1:37 am

B"H

Merrymom

Fri, Nov 30 2012, 1:38 am

How about following him (and embarassing him in front of his friends while you're at it, meaning just your presence alone or showing up at the various homes looking for him will keep him home)? I can't agree with doing nothing and letting a boy make his own mistakes. There's serious consequences to some of those mistakes.

I personally would not believe a word a teenager told me under pressure. He may be telling you it's movies, let's hope that's all it is.

amother

Fri, Nov 30 2012, 1:47 am

Merrymom wrote:

How about following him (and embarrassing him in front of his friends while you're at it )? I can't agree with doing nothing and letting a boy make his own mistakes. There's serious consequences to some of those mistakes.

I personally would not believe a word a teenager told me under pressure. He may be telling you it's movies, let's hope that's all it is.

he doesn't have many friends - he's socially inept, yet another offshoot of his difficulties.

I didn't just take his word for it - I had found out all the facts already in the middle of the night and merely demanded that he confirm it.

I know all about his difficulties, trials and tribulations - even better than he would dare admit to himself - that's not what's missing here. But I do think it's time I talk to him about the problems of self-soothing, that we need to attack the problems at the source. and I suspect that I will have to function as his therapist.

sneakermom

Sat, Dec 01 2012, 8:40 pm

No matter what he has a mother that loves him and tries to reach out to him and help him. That means a lot.

octopus

Sat, Dec 01 2012, 9:52 pm

did I read this right or am I super sleep deprived that I can't read straight. you took away his glasses until he 'fessed up????? I'm not sure if that's the way to go....

amother

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 7:54 am

sneakermom - thx much for ur vote of confidence.

octopus wrote:

did I read this right or am I super sleep deprived that I can't read straight. you took away his glasses until he 'fessed up????? I'm not sure if that's the way to go....

yes I did - ok, what would you have done in my place? I challenge you to find a better answer! I'm all ears.

all I know is that it worked, whereas nothing else I had tried before did. and you know what? after he confessed and cleared the air somewhat, he didn't sneak out again.

true - he still blames me for all his difficulties, punishments included (and says that I "started" all our fights - just like his loving dad would say Rolling Eyes

) but I still feel that it's one step in the right direction, that at least he got the confession out of his mouth. That is the first step of doing teshuva, no?

chani8

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 9:22 am

If he needs the movies, then why did you take the computer away? Unless he is watching really bad stuff, I would think it is a fairly safe problem for now. Until he gets therapy, which he most definitely needs. Why wouldn't you get him therapy? My son found it helpful just talking with the social worker at his school (for free.)

amother

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 10:11 am

chani - I didn't allow him on the computer because he claimed that he was coming home sick, and I forewarned him that if that's the case, then house rules don't allow him computer time - and he agreed to that condition in advance.

another problem is that when I do allow him, he incessantly tries to bypass my restrictions and watches really violent stuff.

thirdly - I would love to get him into therapy but a) we tried it once and it bombed since we found a real jerk
b) his dad has strongly propagandized against it.

at this point, I'm working more on telling the truth than anything else, but I also feel strongly that violent movies (I'm talking about gang-like movies from the far-east) is not the right thing for his self-soothing.

oh,and I also hid the cocoa while I was at it. (this week at home he was existing on unlimited cocoa and chocolate spread on bread.)

chani8

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 10:38 am

It just seems to me that you should make life as easy for yourself, and even for him, due to the stress that you (two) are under. I'm really not going to critique your rules, just suggest that you take the easiest way out to minimize stress. He really will survive on cocoa and chocolate spread for this time in his life. Why worry about it? Why try to control it?

I also hate the violent movies and can't imagine they are good for the kids. But by 15, you have to teach them to choose what is best for their neshamas, not control as much. Kids who've had bad things happen, like divorce, really need to have some control over their own lives. Even if only, which movie they watch and how much chocolate they eat, within some semblance of reason, of course.

imasinger

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:07 am

LOL, Kudos to your DS for figuring out the healing powers of chocolate!

It sounds like your DS and mine have an awful lot in common. If you can get past the things you didn't like in my earlier post and want to compare notes, I'd be glad to share what has and has not worked -- and to learn from your experience.

Barbara

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:27 am

amother wrote:

sneakermom - thx much for ur vote of confidence.

octopus wrote:

did I read this right or am I super sleep deprived that I can't read straight. you took away his glasses until he 'fessed up????? I'm not sure if that's the way to go....

) but I still feel that it's one step in the right direction, that at least he got the confession out of his mouth. That is the first step of doing teshuva, no?

Why did he need to confess if you already knew where he was and what he was doing there,as you indicate? To me, its sort of like asking a toddler, "did you do that" when you know full well that she did. Either she lies -- more trouble -- or tells the truth -- which doesn't advance anything.

You state that your DS suffers from depression and has poor social skills, and that he uses movies to "self-soothe." I understand the difficulties, but I do urge you to try to get him professional help. In the meantime, help him to get by the best way he can, which may mean allow him more access to movies than you would otherwise like.

amother

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:29 am

well, let's check through what you said before:

imasinger wrote:

OK, I'll get serious now.

Huge hugs; I sympathize, having dealt with a similar situation (but not all night). I"yH, he will come back unharmed, and then you can proceed. Use this time to plan, rather than only worrying and agonizing (not that the worrying and agonizing will stop, but just you can have something constructive happen while it's going on.)

First step is to pin him down, and don't let him up until he tells you what is going on. If it were me, I'd be drinking lots of coffee tonight, and doing whatever it took to grab him the second he walks in the door. When he tries to put you off, don't accept it. Tell him that you need him to tell the truth, and don't stop until you are sure you have it. If necessary, consider canceling school and any other obligations to take him to someone (in school or therapist) to talk to until you have the truth.

check - I did this first step - well, first I tried to talk to him the minute he walked in the door and he kept insisting that he had been out for just a couple of minutes Rolling Eyes

then I did it in my own way

imasinger wrote:

Second step (if he 'fesses up sooner rather than later) is to seek help. Talk to his rebbes/teachers, and find out if he is doing OK in school. See if you can find a good counselor to help you move forward. You want to address several underlying issues. Why is he breaking house rules? And why is he lying about it? What is underneath this behavior? There is likely something that is bothering him that will need to be dealt with.

well duh - the divorce and any and all brainwashing done against me by both my ex as well as older sibs - he has decided that any evil in his life originated with me and anyhow he doesn't really have to listen to me since I'm alleged to be a horrible mother.

his school tried last year unsuccessfully to find him a counselor Sad

and then decided that he seems to be doing ok without. yes, now that he's back in school, another discussion is on my agenda - but that doesn't guarantee that they actually find someone appropriate.

imasinger wrote:

Third step -- effective consequences. Is there anything that he really enjoys at home, that can be revoked as a consequence for not coming home? And what can you use as a backup? I might take away electronic game time, and threaten to hire a personal babysitter to keep tabs on him round the clock if he pulls this again, but that's just an initial reaction.

yeah - the computer!!

imasinger wrote:

I recommend the book "Get out of my life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall" as a sensible, humorous way to help you deal with teenagers and their shenanigans. Don't worry too much, and remember -- you are not alone!

he's far from my first teen, not even the first to stay home or be out at night - but I do go somewhat frantic with each.

having read many, I have grown suspicious of books since most are written with a normal family situation in mind, and those rules don't work the same here.

amother

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:39 am

Barbara - I feel that I must teach him that he can and should be honest with me, as a first step of trust -otherwise I can't address any other issues at all.

do you think I'm wrong? (I'm asking honestly for your opinion - yes, I have asked professionals and they're somewhat at a loss themselves. they don't have ruach hakodesh, after all.)

imasinger

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:47 am

Oops; meant to say, if you want to PM me, where I will share a bit more than I did on this thread, which is already a bit more than I intended to! But our stories have quite a bit in common.

Anyway, I think you made some great steps in beginning another conversation with him. I totally understand feeling frantic each time; I do, too.

abound

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:48 am

How about telling him, Yeah I know I wronged you in some ways (even if it is not true) but I want to make up for it by being a better mother now. and try going out with him, (NOT SHOPPING) ice cream, movies, boating anything HE enjoys and do some bonding. In the beg he will for sure sulk but after awhile (?) maybe (?) He will learn to enjoy you again.
Honestly I do not know I wish you the best of luck and much siyata dishmaya.

grace413

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:52 am

amother wrote:

I imagine I'll get bashed here but...I think it is unrealistic to expect total honesty from any teen, especially one who is having difficulties. I certainly didn't tell my parents everything when I was a teen.

Yes, he should know that he can be honest with you. He probably needs to have some space, needs to have things that are just his (emotions, experiences, not physical things).

He needs counseling. Don't wait for the school and don't despair because the first try didn't work.

It's not a news flash that divorce is hard on kids and that the custodial parent bears the brunt of the kid's anger. It's also not news that lots of teenage boys think violent movies are cool and almost all mothers think they are awful.

It's rough. Hatzlacha.

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