ds has gone awol two nights in a row

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Ds has gone awol two nights in a row

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amother

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 11:53 am

oh, we enjoy each other just fine - it's the rules and regulations that he can't handle Rolling Eyes

and the stickler is that he doesn't even accept that I have the right to impose them - so I frankly don't see any solution.

so I'll just continue to love him and work on my acceptance of the whole mess. Sad

Barbara

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 1:23 pm

amother wrote:

Barbara - I feel that I must teach him that he can and should be honest with me, as a first step of trust -otherwise I can't address any other issues at all.

do you think I'm wrong? (I'm asking honestly for your opinion - yes, I have asked professionals and they're somewhat at a loss themselves. they don't have ruach hakodesh, after all.)

Every family has a different dynamic. I can't tell you that I think you're wrong, because I don't know you, or your kid, or your family. Maybe you forced him to tell you something that he actually wanted to tell you, but didn't know how, and you defused the situation.

But "I" wouldn't have made him tell me what I already knew, especially given that there are other issues that caused his going out. I don't think it advanced anything with him. Instead, I would have waited for a calm moment, when he was rested, and told him that you know where he was, and you're disappointed. Talk about how your role as a parent is to guide and protect him, that you know he won't always agree with what you do, and you know that sometimes, you might even be wrong. But you'll get through it together. Talk about how "you" feel -- when DS isn't home, you're scared and worried that he's hurt, or that something happened to him.

If you genuinely believe that screen time calms him and helps him cope, maybe have a baseline that no matter what discipline is imposed, he still gets 30 minutes a night. Any way that 30 minutes could be something that you do together. I've read that boys communicate best when "doing" something.. Maybe that works even if that something is watching TV.

Hey, it's a whole lot easier on this side of the screen. Please take anything I say as just brainstorming. I certainly don't have the answers, and don't presume to judge (most) things people do when they genuinely are trying to help their kids.

amother

Sun, Dec 02 2012, 3:22 pm

It sounds like you have good instincts. Sometimes following your own intuition is better than many therapists out there. Take it day by day. Daven, hang in there, and surf the white waters as best as you can. As you know, there are no easy answers. You sound like a caring mother and my belief is that as tough as they can be at times and particularly in the type of situation you describe the kids know and feel this connection and love. May you be blessed to come out whole and with good relationships with your children when you come out the other side. I remember davening to Hashem to please let me learn what I needed quickly and grow from the challenges so we could get through to better times which B"H we did, and I hope so also for you.

amother

Mon, Dec 03 2012, 9:30 am

amother wrote:

thx - this is so beautiful - I think I'm going to print it out and post it on my wall for encouragement!!

amother

Mon, Dec 03 2012, 10:30 am

Thank you! I feel like YOU just gave me a gift! In the meantime, yeah, I am a big believer in not reinventing the wheel...so if any of my "hard won" experience can resonate for someone well then that's really very meaningful and helpful for me to know.
Thinking of you.

octopus

Mon, Dec 03 2012, 10:50 am

I don't know what I would've done differently. I, personally, cannot see without my glasses. Like, If I can't find my glasses, I need glasses to find them. So if someone took away my glasses I would find it a most cruel and unusual punishment. not a relationship builder at all. but that's me. I don't know your ds's prescription so maybe it's not a big deal. but I have a feeling this was a big deal if he 'fessed up just to get them back. I don't know. It sounds like you were desparate. It isn't something that I would've done. I'm not really an authority on teens anyway, just it hit a personal note with me with the glasses. I'm rambling. I'll go now.

amother

Mon, Dec 03 2012, 11:09 am

octopus, I hear ya and you really could be right, but at this point I'm not working on our relationship so much as trying my darndest that he doesn't end up aggressive, dishonest, narcissistic, and abusive like his dad.

Which really could be totally out of my hands, but at least I'll know that I tried.

greenfire

Mon, Dec 03 2012, 2:26 pm

everybody has their own tzaros raising kids ... the pain is real ... for you - much like someone else's broken foot compared to your broken toe

but you keep changing your thought process ... he is awol you're worried... to I stole his eyeglasses now he can't get away [think prisoner here] ... he's not having zex or doing anything irrational ... to I know where he is & he's just watching movies ... to he's growing up to be 'aggressive, dishonest, narcissistic, and abusive like his dad'

can hardly keep up with you

you need to sit down & make a list of what his actions truly are - and no teen is ever really telling the whole truth & nothing but the truth ... help create some boundaries so that instead of going awol to watch movies you get him something to watch movies on in the privacy of his own room ... you cannot control all that much of a rebel - cause believe me they will run and do some things despite you & to spite you & even blame you

bottom line is to always be truthful & loving with open arms ... unless he needs to be coddled for at-risk behaviors you need to calm down somewhat before he will listen to reason

amother

Mon, Dec 03 2012, 2:37 pm

greenfire - you're so right! I guess I'm almost as confused as he is. trying to do my job of mothering as best as I can - loving unconditionally, yet setting boundaries, providing for him physically, emotionally, spiritually, making his surroundings safe and comfortable - all the while dodging darts sent in my direction from all sides. and trying to stay sane myself.

I don't want to be neglectful and yet don't want to antagonize the rest of the family by bringing in outsiders unnecessarily.

also, when I first started the thread, I really had no clue where he had disappeared to and I was so worried!! and almost called the police. but gradually the picture became clearer.

[now, don't get me wrong - I do allow movies - but not thoroughly nasty aggressive ones with lots of blood and gore. and not when he claims to be home because he's sick]

greenfire

Mon, Dec 03 2012, 2:45 pm

listen - I didn't say it was easy - if not impossible ... I'm just pointing out what I feel based on your posts ...

breath in - breath out

get some help cause it ain't easy dodging bullets

good luck - really Hug

amother

Tue, Dec 04 2012, 7:19 am

I have an update for anyone that may still be interested in this saga - I did discuss the entire incident today with a professional and she wholeheartedly endorsed my having taken away his glasses, that I was entirely in my right as his caring and loving mother, that it was really good that I hadn't given up the ship yet and was willing to tussle with him on his level in my continued attempt to set limits and enforce consequences. Hooray

all this is a huge relief for me, that I'm on the right track and that there is still hope for him (and for me) - and gives me some more koach to keep it up.

amother

Tue, Dec 04 2012, 7:22 am

oh, and another point to clarify - even when I didn't have a clue where he had been, I wasn't worried about his physical safety, knowing this particular kid, but more about his emotional and mental well-being.

amother

Tue, Dec 04 2012, 7:33 am

There is always hope. Sometimes that's all there is. Keep on doing the best you can.

imasinger

Tue, Dec 04 2012, 7:44 am

amother wrote:

all this is a huge relief for me, that I'm on the right track and that there is still hope for him (and for me) - and gives me some more koach to keep it up.

I'm glad! Glad that you found someone good to talk to, and glad that you feel validated. I didn't see removing his glasses as anything other than an attention-getting move, a way of saying, "Listen, this is serious business when you go awol."

It's REALLY tough to be both loving parent and disciplinarian, because there's nobody else in the house to do it. It's even harder when kids are struggling, acting out.

I'm sure you and he will work out some solutions together. Hatzlacha!

servewithjoy

Tue, Dec 04 2012, 7:54 am

That's great!
Thanks for the update.
Hatzlocha

amother

Tue, Dec 04 2012, 7:55 am

thx loads for all your encouragement, imasinger and amothers - perhaps an online community is a poor substitute for real-life support, but when it's all you seem to have, it can be amazing!

servewithjoy

Tue, Dec 04 2012, 8:01 am

When it works it works. So happy to hear it is of help to you. Any piece of support can be so important in situations like these. Ideally this is how it should be! Sometimes this type of help can be easier on a variety of levels. I wish there was a good support group by you for the type of dynamics with which you are dealing.
Thinking of you.

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