son just had upsherin and wont wear yarmulke

rachelli613

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 10:20 am

my son just had his upsherin, and is having a hard time wearing his yarmulka. he is not in school with other kids who are wearing yarmulkas, so he does not really have a peer motivation. tatty wears a yarmulka, his uncles zaidy etc, but I dont think he relates to this the same as if it were another 3 year old.
I try to put it on when he is not paying attention, but he just flings it off.
I tell him when he eats he needs to wear it, and that sort of works for him eating...

I want to encourage him, but I dont want it turning into a power struggle or for him to associate wearing a yarmulke with a negative experience/ a fight.

Yet at the same time I also dont want to not say anything cause I need to let him know he should be wearing his yarmulke, but I want to do it b'darchei noam.

Its only been a few days, but if anyone has any suggestions to ease the transition I would appreciate it!

ShiraMiri

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 10:29 am

I wouldn't worry about it. Just gently encourage him to wear it. You can point out that his father wears one, zayde wears one - positive male role models in his life. Be prepared that you will lose lots of yarmulkes during this phase as he will take it off a lot! When he starts going to school he will start to wear it more regularly, as his friends will be wearing it too. My oldest son didn't want to wear his either after his upsherin, but he eventually got the hang of it! I remember we used to buy or make yarmulkas with things he liked - cartoon characters, his name, colors he liked. This made him want to wear it and keep track of it.

Sregion28

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 11:21 am

I had the same thing with my son. I didnt make it a fight, just kept putting it on him all the time. If he really didnt want to wear it, I didnt make it a fight. I would send him to school with it on his head (with clips) and it would always come home in his backpack. Sometimes it never came home at all! Be prepared to lose some of them, you can try clips or bobby pins (my son says they hurt his head and refuses to wear them) but a year later, he wears his kippah every day, if he's not wearing it he feels like something is missing and asks for it, if it falls off, he immediately puts it back on. Just takes some getting used to.

shalhevet

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 2:17 pm

I would leave him alone about it. It's a chinuch issue at this age, not a chiyuv, and part of chinuch is making it a positive experience. If you don't push it I'm sure he'll soon want it himself, and certainly once he's with other boys of his age with a kippa.

I am interested if you encouraged him to wear a kippa before he was three? Usually I have seen that if a three y o has a kippa for the first time they feel very grown up and excited, and that sometimes starting earlier can backfire. Our rav specifically told us to wait until 3, and not put one on before because of this. Of course, I'm sure there are exceptions.

Raisin

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 2:28 pm

Quote:

am interested if you encouraged him to wear a kippa before he was three? Usually I have seen that if a three y o has a kippa for the first time they feel very grown up and excited, and that sometimes starting earlier can backfire. Our rav specifically told us to wait until 3, and not put one on before because of this. Of course, I'm sure there are exceptions.

We didn't put one on before he was 3, and we had the same experience as Rachelli. Eventually he got used to it. There are some Yarmulkas that stay on better - big velvet ones stay on well, or the big cochet ones. Those tiny ones really need a bobby pin, which is annoying.

As everyone said - don't worry just keep putting it back (as with toilet training)

momto4

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 2:53 pm

my son just had his upsherun a few weeks ago also. we had the same thing. I made him wear it for sure when he ate but I didnt push it for anything else. eventually he got used to it and now whenever it falls off he runs to put it back on! good luck. just wait a little bit and im sure hell be fine.

withhumor

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 5:34 pm

Mazel tov! My son who is 7 still kept shoving it around at 4! I finally got fed up of all that ‘positive reinforcement’ and decided I’m going down the evil path. I told him that if he doesn’t cover his head, he will get pimples. This is not funny, the next day he had a teeny microscopic pimple and that brought the whole issue to a swift end. That was a year later though! Keep putting it back and don’t say anything. If you say something, then they realize they have one. If you never talk about it, they forget they have one!

Shimmysmom

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 5:48 pm

I had the same issue. I told my son he had to wear something on his head, either a sunhat or his yarmulka. for a while he walked around in a hat but eventually he went for the yarmulka. I think the key was giving him the feeling of control. HE could choose what to wear on his head.

ny21

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 5:51 pm

when my son started yeshivah he used to wear a baseball cap shock

they let him do that . in the older grades he finally wore a kippa
now when he wears a kippa he does not mind.he started a trend in his school for kids to wear a baseball cap.

Last edited by ny21 on Tue, Jan 23 2007, 6:57 pm; edited 1 time in total

rachelli613

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 6:55 pm

thanks for all your encouraging words.

after I posted, I told him he could either wear a yarmulke or a baseball cap.. he opted for the baseball cap. I continued the choice thing with what pants he wore etc, and I think he liked the sense of power/control that he had with making the descision.

we tried putting a yarmulke on him before he was 3, but he didnt really go for it. so we left it alone. my brother supposedly never wore one before he was 3 and right after he turned 3 was happy to wear it every day. but my DS is a different kid, and will need some time to adjust to it.

greenfire

Tue, Jan 23 2007, 7:02 pm

My son wouldn't let us cut his payos for a couple of days and he had very long hair - it was funny - he liked the yarmulke though cause he wore one on shabbos

withhumor

Wed, Jan 24 2007, 9:43 am

OMG reminds me of my nephew. He had thick long curly hair and we started the haircut (with a shaver) and then he bounced out of his chair and left us all hanging,. So basically he had these two sections on the side that weren’t shaved and you guessed it, he looked like a poodle for almost 8 hours! 10 minutes before shabbos they held him down and finished the job.

raizy

Thu, Jan 25 2007, 10:59 pm

withhumor u make me laugh. my first kid we had 3 pple hold him down and we then shaved it all off. he yelled all the way through. but at least the job was done. the second kid loved having his hair cut. the third kid allready said no haircut for me. ever. so we will see what will happen. but my little boy does where a yamekah. every day. and he doesnt take it off.