What are the typoical "gifts" in different groups?

amother

Tue, Jan 15 2013, 8:01 pm

I am a convert that married a poor sephardi with almost no money. We got all used things and bought everything ourselves. I did not get a sheital (don't own one to this day) he didn't get a watch... actually we got nothing really we got married with no debt and no help from family!

But after reading the "kallah coat" thread it for me thinking what is typical in your community? Sheital? Coat? Furniture? Curious...

amother

Tue, Jan 15 2013, 8:15 pm

In the typical american chabad community;
The kallahs mother (or the kallah herself) will buy her a sheitel (two?), some new clothes, maybe a regular new shabbos coat and some basic furniture, all relative to the family's means. The kallah or parents will buy for the chossan some seforim and a shas, or/and a gold watch.

The chossan or his parents will buy for the kallah a necklace with diamionds, a diamond ring and wedding band, and sometimes a gold watch.

But in my experience each family does as they can afford, basically. There isnt incredibly pressure. Others may have different experiencess though.

And btw, financial support from parents after the wedding is never expected and very rare.

amother

Tue, Jan 15 2013, 9:21 pm

I'm from a yeshivish community. Dh's family is modern orthodox.
I didnt expect any gifts and neither did he. He (I mean dh not his parents) bought me my engagement ring. I (not my parents) bought him a talis.
I bought my wig. He bought his watch.
My parents had very little money, his parents had no idea that they were 'supposed' to buy certain gifts and he is not their oldest either. His older siblings also married people that did not expect gifts
My parents and dh's parents did make the wedding which I felt was more than generous. We (dh and I) bought our furniture and paid our own rent. We were both working and I had been saving my pennies since I started babysitting.

Tue, Jan 15 2013, 9:34 pm

MO here, my family is Conservative and dh is FFB. One of our families is more affluent than the other, but both expect us to be reasonably independent as adults.

Our parents gave us college/professional education and a nice wedding. They have been generous within their means, but we are not supported by our parents, nor did they set us up in housekeeping. We have some hand-me-down furniture.

In our circles, there are no standard gifts that are expected. The mother or MIL might give a sheitel or two, or there might be an arrangement for support, but these are strictly private considerations within the family.

When we were newlyweds (20 years ago), we and our peers lived in little rental apartments with minimal furniture while we saved for a house. Most moved to nice suburban houses when the first child was born, give or take.

I never heard of a kallah coat until today.

jaysmom

Tue, Jan 15 2013, 9:59 pm

I have NEVER heard of the kallah coat, but I think all the shtuyot that is spent on the chosson and kallah could amount to a nice down payment.

amother

Wed, Jan 16 2013, 12:23 am

jaysmom wrote:

I have NEVER heard of the kallah coat, but I think all the shtuyot that is spent on the chosson and kallah could amount to a nice down payment.

My in laws gave me what they saw as typical- diamond ring, gold bracelet, pearl necklace, gold watch. But they are in chinuch without a lot of money, so it was a small diamond, thin watch, freshwater pearls, etc- probably the total cost was about $1,000. That's not going to buy anyone much of a house!

My parents bought DH 2 tallesim, a shas, a menorah, and a megilah for his birthday which was in Adar, right after our wedding.