I hate being poor | Imamother

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

I hate being poor

1 2 3 4 5 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:11 pm

The sheitel from my wedding is 5 years old and I need a new one. I look ugly all the time. I haven't cut my real hair in over a year even though it give me headaches because it is beautiful so at least I have some tiny way of feeling beautiful even though I look terrible and poor. I don't have $50 extra, never mind $500 for a "cheap" sheitel. I have worn synthetics but they look horrible after a few short weeks and then you need to spend another 50.

My oldest child needs to go to school next year. He will be 4 at that point and I keep avoiding reserving his spot. We have to struggle to pay rent and sometimes that means DH and I are a little hungry I don't have an extra $10 for school and I have no desire to shame myself in front of a tuition board and beg and plea and grovel for a "break". I make every bite that goes in our mouths from scratch and buy the very minimum. We don't buy clothes or toys or go on vacations or have a car. I am never without the kids. DH works full time and is in school full time and we have no family near us who will watch them so I never ever get a break. I want to go back to school so I will have income but I can't even imagine how we will afford it.

I have a sibling getting married soon. My parents are going to be able to help us less because of that (not that they need to help at all they are incredibly kind we don't expect anything). The kallah's family is wealthy. She is getting showered with a beautiful wedding which I never head, gorgeous sheitels again that I never had. My ring belonged to another family members hers cost over $5000 and is valued at 10 grand. She is planning all the details and having a perfect wedding, I told mother and m-i-l to just spend as little as they could so there would be as little of a financial burden as possible. I am proud of my attitude but I feel like I missed out, I really want beautiful things. I want a break. I feel so weary. Everyone around me has so many luxuries and I have nothing extra. I can't even buy bread or ice cream.

I'm going to go to the wedding looking horrible. My sheitel old and worn, no money for contact lenses so I have to wear my old outdated glasses, I am just postpartum so my stomach is flabby, I have to find a dress in just the right color to make the kallah happy when all my clothing is old and worn.

Everyone is so excited about the wedding and all the details and I feel so miserable. I am hungry and tired and worn out. I have never had a moment of cleaning help and DH is rarely home to help and my kids are bored because there are no playdates because everyone else is in school.

I hold things together well though. My apartment looks nice, food is always healthy and more than enough for the kids, I have some gorgeous hand me down clothes, and I style my sheitel well enough that it doesn't look awful, and I hold myself proudly. I just feel like I don't have the energy to keep doing this.

amother

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:11 pm

amother

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:24 pm

Omg do I understand you. Can't write now, but I could have written much of your post. Hugs.

chocolate moose

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:25 pm

How long until your dh finishes school? Why aren't you working too ?

Do you get any aide from the city ?

amother

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:28 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

How long until your dh finishes school? Why aren't you working too ?

Do you get any aide from the city ?

Those questions have complicated technical answers. My DH has at least a year, it's taking forever because he also has to work full time.

I absolutely cannot work right now and aide isn't an option for the same reason I cannot work. Lawyers have been consulted if that helps at all but I don't want to write out the reason.

chocolate moose

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:31 pm

You have to think outside the box, then. It doesn't get cheaper to have kids in yeshiva.

Do you sew ? Can you do alterations? Can you bake for money for simchas? What about watching a baby or 2 for pay during the day when you're home?

Tova

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:44 pm

I don't want you or your kids to be hungry...can we give you resources based on your area for that? (((HUGS)))

smiledr

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:46 pm

I'm sorry you're going through that. I'm going to assume since ur husband is in school there's a light at the end of the tunnel? And good for u that u manage to hold it together and still look nice and have a nice apt. Can u explain ur situation to ur parents so they can help u with the wedding expenses? Best of luck.

amother

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:48 pm

I can't legally earn money and my DH can't legally earn money outside his current job and we aren't willing to work outside the law. I've been offered part time jobs before and I have to say no even though it would be good for both my financial and mental health. We're not hungry often, nursing makes me so hungry, I eat enough for a normal person but my body sometimes wants so much more and I'm scared that if I eat extra we won't make rent. DH's work keeps promising more money because they know his wage isn't livable but they never come through.

TwinsMommy

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 1:17 pm

I don't think we're "poor" perse--- we certainly don't qualify for government help anyway, but I don't spend even $500 on a shaitel. My $1000+ shaitel from my wedding is what I still wear and guess what--- we got married in 1998. I put the $1000+ on a credit card. I wash it myself. Mostly I wear snoods and tichels so that I don't need to wear my shaitel so often.

If you're always with the kids and can't even afford to buy bread, why not work? I can't imagine not working. Well I CAN imagine it--- of COURSE I'd RATHER not work... but gosh, we need my income.

At least your apartment looks nice. My house doesn't look nice because I don't make enough time to clean it because when I'm not with the kids, I'm working.

shosh

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 1:37 pm

I can really relate to what you're saying.

I singly support 7 of my kids bli ayin hara (ex gives me nothing and state says I'm too wealthy to qualify for Bituach Leumi because I earn a single average salary, so in their eyes that makes me rich!). I also need a new sheitel. I have one embarrassing looking one and one less embarrassing looking. I also think I need new clothes, and I won't even tell you about the state of my house. And I recently got hit with the water bill from Hell and can't find out where the leak that must be costing me all this money is coming from. So I really hear you.

One thing I started doing, though, is going on a money management course. In my area, the local community centre heavily subsidised this course to make it affordable and offered it to some single mums and mothers of large families. It's only just started, but it's really opening my eyes to the concept of it not only being what you have but also what you do with it. And even though I've been budgeting in my own way for years and doing a lot of what they teach anyway, there's always something to improve, a cut you can make somewhere, a little extra way to save towards your goal.

Once I've handled a bit more of their techniques, I was even thinking of starting my own personal "sheitel" fund. It might take a while, but it might be worth it. I was thinking that when I can, to start putting a few shekels aside every day, and in a few months I might have something to pay towards the sheitel.

I get the feeling that the OP is in America, but I wonder if you could find such a course. The idea is to encourage you, and as we're a group we support each other with our financial ideas and resolutions. You might find such a thing very helpful, if it exists near you. And maybe start putting a few dollars and even cents aside each day for your sheitel fund (yes I know it doesn't help you for this wedding, but for afterwards.) For example, when you get a few dimes from the change when you went to the grocer, stick them in the sheitel fund box, etc. etc. You'd be surprised how much you'll save.

(Btw, this does work. I did it once, many many years ago, when I wanted to buy my ex a birthday present and we had NO money. For about six months beforehand, I put away a few shekels whenever I could, just here and there, and in the end I made enough money to buy him an expensive sweater!!!)

zigi

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 2:08 pm

if you want to get out out the house can you intern? not do it for money? but you could build a resume. or barter goods and services

how about frum aid like tomchei shabbos etc?

shlomitsmum

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 2:12 pm

What color are you? can you try and borow a shaitel for the simcha at least. So you can look nice.
What color is the gown you need , what size are you?.
I really wish I could help Crying

PM if you are unconfortable posting here.
If you are the right color I could at least lend you something .

gila-rina

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 2:18 pm

shlomitsmum wrote:

What color are you? can you try and borow a shaitel for the simcha at least. So you can look nice.
What color is the gown you need , what size are you?.
I really wish I could help Crying

PM if you are unconfortable posting here.
If you are the right color I could at least lend you something .

This could really be a workable idea, at least for the gown. Post the color and size. Either someone might want to land you a gown or point you to a gemach in your area.
And btw, my 3 y.o. stays home with me, I'm sure we're not the only people with kids at home. You can pm me if you'd like.

shlomitsmum

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 2:26 pm

I remember when I first started covering my hair , my shaitel got stuck in costums and a new friend (I barely knew her then) lent me one of hers and since it was pesach it made me feel so pretty and normal .

I would love to be soche pass along the kindness .

OP I would love to help you look fab as it sounds like you need a little pick me up!

I do know how you feel ...sometimes when we feel so beaten down somebody's chessed can soothe the pain and give us the koach to continue in life .

naturalmom5

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 2:54 pm

My intention isn't to offend but can I just ask a few simple questions .

Where are you typing this , OP? Are you on a warm room or is it freezing cold , while you wait over two months for a HEAP check.

What are you typing on a laptop, a desktop, or a phone from work ?

Do you see your children every night or are they in another part of the country in the only Jewish school that will take them and a "no child will be left behind " grant pays them.

Are there clothing and sheitl gmachs in your neighborhood?

Do you have a landline phone?

We all have to thank Hashem for what we do have...

anon for this

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 3:20 pm

gila-rina wrote:

And btw, my 3 y.o. stays home with me, I'm sure we're not the only people with kids at home. You can pm me if you'd like.

I'm sorry OP, your situation sounds really difficult. I hope it gets easier for you soon.

With respect to the above, I kept two of my younger childen--a boy and girl--home with me until age 4 (the year before pre1A/Kindergarten), partially for financial reasons. Most of my neighbors do send children to playgroup from about age 2, so this was definitely out of the norm. They're now in primary school and B"H they have no trouble keeping up academically, and have friends too.

You can pm me also if you'd like.

amother

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 3:26 pm

I don't have a landline. The computer is a hand me down. Sometimes we turn off the heat and my kid wakes up cold. My child isn't even in school because we can't afford it. Don't assume finances are my only problem, I've experienced some other horrible tzaros in my life.

The sad part is that every time we've been sort of ok financially, something else horrible in my life goes wrong. Sometimes I feel like us being poor is what keeps the rest of my family healthy and alive.

We are incredibly fortunate. We have family that won't ever let us starve or go homeless. It doesn't mean that worrying that having an extra bowl of pasta for dinner will mean you can't pay the rent check the next month is less stressful.

I also don't want to admit this to anyone out loud because I am much to proud. This worst part of being poor is how humiliating it is. No one seems to get it. My in laws couldn't understand why we don't want to go to Florida for a wedding. We could make a vacation of it! We only ask them for money when there is literally nothing left for food, how can they think we could fathom flying as a family for a wedding.

I don't think budgeting would help. DH's salary covers rent perfectly. That's it. The rest has come from presents, money we had saved up before this situation, money from our parents, and min shamayim, We really don't spend on anything extra, the budget is buy as little as possible.

I don't know if my family will offer to pay for wedding stuff or not. It feels like we are always asking for something and I hate it so much. I hate being a beggar and a nebach.

I double posted and my other thread says why I can't work. Aside from that I don't think not working is cheaper after babysitting since I never finished my degree. I would give anything to work right now. I long to be out of the house with grown ups more than you can imagine. And of course I feel inferior as a non degree completed (although I have enough credits) non working woman. It is something else that is horribly humiliating. I cringe every time I tell someone I am a SAHM.

oatmealcookies

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 3:27 pm

I know a few people who got gorgeous sheitals from gemachs. Although its tough to find a nice gown at a gemach there are some really nice ones. I lent my best friend costume jewelry for her and her family to wear to her wedding because she couldnt afford jewelry. My mother and sisters still have their gowns from my wedding ranging in sizes. Pm me if you would like more details.

If you are with the kids all day maybe you can make a small babysitting group to earn a little extra income.

mummiedearest

Sun, Feb 10 2013, 3:35 pm

amother, what color/size gown do you need? maybe someone here has one for you. and what color sheitel? I have some sheitels sitting in a drawer out of use. they don't fit me, and I kind of gave up sheitels. can you pm me?

Page 1 of 5

1 2 3 4 5 Next