I hate being poor | Imamother

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I hate being poor

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amother

Babyblue

Mon, Feb 11 2013, 9:29 pm

Did you contact Tomchei Shabbos? Ask around to find a Tomchei Shabbos in your area. They give free food every week to needy families, chickens and challah, etc.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Jan 11 2016, 8:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

browser

Mon, Feb 11 2013, 9:58 pm

TwinsMommy

Mon, Feb 11 2013, 10:21 pm

so there is no job you can do without a visa and getting a visa takes money you don't have. and hubby getting another job would mean another visa which means more money you don't have. did I get that right?

Is it legal for a family to hire you as a babysitter? I know I can't hire a babysitter who doesn't have a social security number but I never looked into what if a potential babysitter doesn't have an SS #... then how to do it legally....

are you allowed to sell on etsy or ebay without a social security number? the problem is how to pay taxes on the income, but I would imagine you can easily keep the income under the filing limit.

amother

Tue, Feb 12 2013, 11:02 am

I didn't read the whole thread.

Please don't be ashamed of getting help and donations. You ow it to dc. It is done discreetly. I didn't get help and dh was to proud to ask. Now the people that got help are doing great and we lost everything. I was misinformed. The chessed organizations are build for people in your situation. Beezrat Hashem one day you are going to be in the place to help other people who are struggling.

lk1234

Tue, Feb 12 2013, 11:16 am

exactly right! we got help over the years because we were in a place where we had massive medical expenses and we got help from chesed organizations. Now b"h we can see ourselves in 2-3 years GIVING BACK- meaning paying them back for the money they gave us and then some.

It's the cycle of life. Giving, taking. You know, one day when you're old and frail you're going to need to be a taker again. Learn to be a taker with dignity and class. There's a wisdom to that too.

shlomitsmum

Tue, Feb 12 2013, 11:21 am

amother wrote:

TwinsMommy wrote:

just out of curiosity how DOES the visa thing work... if you're waiting to be legal, you can get a job --- but you can't get OTHER jobs? I would think if you're both legal enough to work one job (your husband is working) you're legal enough to work all jobs so then hubby could take on extra and/or YOU could work. Is it that the job has to have special paperwork permitting you to work? And most jobs don't offer that? I really have no idea.

You apply for a visa for each specific job. DH has at times held two visas when he was working two jobs. Each visa takes time and money. We have in the past experienced times when visas were delayed and Dh had a job but couldn't get paid we once completely ran out of money while waiting and it was horrible because there was nothing we could do. Volunteering was ok. He can only apply for visas in his specific field if the job fits certain criteria. Because I never finished my degree I can't apply for a job visa. I am his dependent on the visa. The visa he is on allows both the visa holder and dependent to apply for green cards after a certain amount of time. There are different types of "legal".

I haven't seen an eye doctor in a few years. The exam is the bigger expense and my lovely eyes recently developed an astigmatism which increases the expense.

My siblings and dh's all have spouses with money, and the ignorant comments that are made are so hurtful. I know it's just ignorance because every need is provided for them.

The kallah just chose a very specific shade of a color and all the other sisters and in laws are getting gowns made of the same fabrics. My family said they will pay for my dress but their money is also limited so if it is expensive to get the gown made I don't know what we will do and it seems like such a waste to spend money on a dress worn once but I don't want to look ridiculous or make a fuss. The kallah must think we are nuts since I am being picky about the dress and my Dh renting a tux (he wanted the money to go towards a new suit instead) she knows money is tight but I don't think she fully understands because if you don't live it how can you.

I am very not impressed with this kallah Exploding anger

Is there anyway you or someone you trust or even a Rav can give her a reality check?!
A wedding is not a hollywood event is a time of kedusha . If you remain silent and don't speak for yourself you are not even given her the chance to do the right thing.

Is going hungry or going into deep depression worth pleasing someone who is not even aware she is being a brat and causing someone terrible pain.

Rabbi Akiva's daughter was saved from harm due to her chessed during her wedding! based on this I can safely assume it works both ways . By being too spoiled she might be taking away brocha from her union lo Aleinu....

I feel for you but you need to stop feeling shame and getting yourself in deeper trouble by not speaking up.

Worse case scenario ... Just don't go (has v shalom it should not come to that ) It happens people get "sick" or something.

I'm just scared that this constant relentless demands and this crazy wedding pressure and expectations (you can not meet right now) might get you in a really dark place mental health wise....

I wish you all the best but feel bummed you can't accept our help .
PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF!
Hug

justcallmeima

Tue, Feb 12 2013, 11:50 am

There's a real disconnect here. There is a HUGE gulf between having a gown in the exact shade made to order and not eating an extra bowl of pasta. A bowl of pasta costs about 20 cents. I have absolutely no clue what having a custom made gown would cost, having never been in a position to inquire, but I'm guessing we're talking about $300. If this were me, I would sit down with my parents and my in laws (I forget who the kallah is marrying, a brother or a BIL) and explain EXACTLY where you are holding. It seems they don't really know. Family trips to Miami when you can't afford a 20 cent bowl of pasta? This does not compute.

shlomitsmum

Tue, Feb 12 2013, 12:11 pm

lk1234 wrote:

Yasher Koach!

I just learned that Chofetz Chaim said wealth and poverty come in cycles for the purpose of keeping the trait of chessed strong amongst yidden .

When you don't have you rely on Hashem and his messangers and when you do have (soon B'h) you give with a full heart because you know what it feels like to lack. It's a cycle , many are struggling but going hungry or worse having a child go hungry is not allowed when there are ways to avert this.

amother

Tue, Feb 12 2013, 10:33 pm

I really can't blame the kallah. Her family is b"H quite well off and they've all gotten dresses made for all the other weddings. Her parents are going to be paying for their dresses why should they change anything for me? That would be ridiculous. She is being very sweet and is fine if I find something myself but the shade is going to be impossible to match and I will look ridiculous. It isn't really anyone's fault its just a situation that happened, I know things like this are very common when one side is wealthier than the other. I've been through it before with another sibling. She's also young and seems a bit spoiled, but she also seems to want to be practical she just hasn't had a chance to have real life experience, the chosson is also on the spoiled side.

The chosson's family will be paying for all our wedding stuff as of now, they have money set aside for the wedding and all expenses will come from there, none of it would go to us anyways.

B"H we have enough money to get us through the next 2 months. We've had people giving us presents right when we needed it and were getting really scared. Its this horrible fear when I grocery shop that gets to me, the only money we really spend at stores is on groceries and diapers and so I am so careful because I see our balance going down so I get scared to eat during the day and I think my DH does also. We're fine for the next short while. The children always have enough food. There's also rarely anything ready made in the house so everything we eat means I need to cook it so I am constantly cooking and washing dishes. B"H I am good cook and I can produce wonders with a bag of flour and a variety of beans, many of our meals are practically gourment LOL

Homemade fresh pasta, fresh homemade bread everyday, lots of nutritious soups. And I am lucky enough to be blessed with oversupply so nursing is easier when I eat less instead of more.

I've actually had to work on myself about the wedding situation. The engagement ring cost an obscene amount of money and it was bought during a week where we had no idea how we were paying rent and it took everything in me to bite my tongue and smile and gush over it. The chosson paid for part of it and our family pitched in as much as they said they would so it was really none of my business.

I don't think its postpartum depression as much as it is exhaustion. If I sleep an extra hour I often feel ok. It has been an incredibly difficult year in a lot of different ways. So many upsets. And I don't really have close friends so its just me and the kids all day every day doing housework and cooking. Why would I be happy? I have the kids and DH and they are wonderful and perfect but the big kid is lonely all the time and DH is out 11 hours a day.

I did get some amazing unreal news today Tongue Out

Hashem really does make nissim and our financial woes really pale in comparison to this particular tzara.

Family members are asking us less and less why we don't do xyz or why we don't buy xyz so maybe they are starting to get it. I used to get criticized that my coat looked worn out, or why I was wearing that skirt that's a little too short, most of my clothes are hand me down and I don't always have the liberty of being picky or just buying something new. People also vent to me about their quandary with having to let their full time nanny go because they are paying full tuition for all their kids to be in school full time, but they still need more than occasional cleaning help. Or how difficult it was to be home with their kids and no nanny during a snow day. Family members also sometimes buy us expensive gifts so we have some very nice luxuries even when day to day expenses are tight, you don't get to chose your presents.

I can't legally have any income at all. At one point I was looking up if I could sell my breastmilk embarrassed

we would have had to ask our lawyer about it which would be even more embarrassed

and there seem to be a lot of sellers and few buyers online so I didn't pursue it. Iy"H we should have the immigration stuff "fixed" in the near future. We can finally see the light at the end of that tunnel.

amother

Tue, Feb 12 2013, 10:33 pm

we would have had to ask our lawyer about it which would be even more embarrassed

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 12:41 am

Would you be willing to provide me with an address / PO Box so I can send you a little something? You would be doing ME a favor, let me explain.
When I read your posts, I can totally relate. We had NO food in the house, for about 2 years we truly struggled. We waited months for the food stamps to come in , and at the time, I was pregnant and remember my husband telling me to eat the last piece of chicken because the baby needed it. Every last penny was accounted for. It was definitely trying times. Actually, I had posted on imamother that I couldnt afford diapers, and someone actually sent me a giftcard to target which I ran out and bought basics with. I am crying posting this. I cant believe what we have been through.

BH BH BH , things have come around, and I PRAY They will for you too. Hang in! Trust me , I know how tough it is. I would like to show appreciation to g-d by helping someone going through a similar situation. It would be a great help to me, to allow me to express my Hakaras Hatov.

Please post here if you are up to this. I would figure out how we can email anonymously. Maybe I can just get you a giftcard to a store that you can use via email so you can get it right away. Then maybe all I need is an email address.

PLEASE let me know

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 12:42 am

Same amother here;

I would love if I could get something for YOU, something special for yontif that you would appreciate, to lift your spirits...

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 2:44 am

OP
I can't so relate to what you said you can't choose gifts.
We don't have heat or a phone . There is no food in ths fridge . DH went to his friends in Monsey for Shabbos , because he needed to be menachem ovel.
Anyway they had a lot of snow and he had no boots, so his shoes hit very wet . One of their sons have him a 400$ pair of shoes that was only worn twice .
He comes home and shows me his shoes and I'm happy for him and upset at same time

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 2:44 am

evie

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 2:55 am

This might seem like something you really don't want to do, but could one or both of you shovel snow, baby sit, give piano lessons, cut grass, something like that?

/hugs!

JAWSCIENCE

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 7:26 am

I just thought I'd mention if you happen to have extra breast milk lying around you can donate it to a milk bank and they will pay for all related expenses - the shipping, the bags that milk goes in - plus many give a $300 check to cover breast pump expenses after you have donated a certain amount.

There is nothing to be embarassed about when doing this. There is no need for embarrassed

smiley faces. It is a huge chesed and the milk goes to premie babies. I did this and I did not need the money, I had extra milk and wanted it to go to premie babies, but I did not turn down the check and the collection bags, because yes, it is tough to pump and takes time and feels good to be acknowledged for that. That is why the company does it plus it is a great thing to do with that extra milk and can really provide a zchus for you. You fell really uplifted after doing it and thinking of all the little babies you helped. You would likely not have to ask your lawyer since it is not income, it's a reimbursement for a pump, they are not paying for the milk.

baltimoremom

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 9:49 am

I am not sure why you cannot work for a family or do certain jobs- there are such things as working visas and my family employed babysitters while on their visa and signed the papers for a green card.
secondly, being poor should have anything to do with your social life- get out go to the park, or find out if your local library has some place to play, here in baltimore we have whats called storyville- an indoor educational play place run by the library and its free. ofcourse you are lonely if you are inside, all day I would be too. my husband works a lot of hrs too so I call neighbors on the way to the park so we have company and then I have company too. although it may be uncomfortable maybe its time you sat down with your parents/inlaws and explained to them that you literally have no money for food- so instead of gifts maybe they will send you some money. the tuition committee might or might not be nice, but people much more well off than you are asking for breaks too.
I am still confused about the visa situation- if your family all lives here- how are they working

gumby

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 10:41 am

Maybe you could barter for services. For example if you tutor a girl maybe she or her older sister could babysit for you so you could get some alone time. This can be done with other things also such as a sewing or tailoring, fixing something or even a gift card. All of those are not income but gifts under the law.

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 12:04 pm

I really don't nee immigration advice Wink

We have a fantastic immigration lawyer and our file is at least a foot thick. How we manage that is really another chessed from Hashem but if we didn't have a specific circumstance in place there is no way we could have stayed here and paid all the fees. I could do a lot of things but in our specific circumstance they are illegal and it isn't worth getting kicked out of the country permanently. We had something lined up for this year that would have made us completely fincancially stable and it fell through at the last second because of immigration issues, and got us into this whole pickle. Until the end of August things looked like they would be fine and dandy.

We do go out a lot. But we don't have a car and only a single stroller so and the subway station near us has stairs so I'm bumping a stroller and wearing a baby and trying not to lose a kid and you can imagine why the scenario is a bit stressful. There are very few SAHM's near me and all their big kids are in school which frustrates mine. We moved recently so I don't know anyone very well. I do try to get out as often as possible but the weather hasn't exactly been balmy.

Thank you so much for all the offers, the kindness here is wonderful. B"H we are ok for next couple of months right now its more the stress of last month and worry about the future getting to me.

Barbara

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 12:32 pm

Am I getting this right -- your husband is in the US on a student visa. He can work in certain authorized positions, but that doesn't bring in enough money. Since you (and your kids) are F2 visa status, you can't work, and cannot attend school.

What I don't get is why it seems that both of your entire extended families are also in the US, presumably with immigrant status, but you're not. But that's obviously none of my business.

Would it be possible for you to apply to change your status to F1 and to attend school on a part-time basis, which would also allow you to work? I know nothing about immigration law, so I don't know if that would work.

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