I hate being poor | Imamother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 12:39 pm

amother wrote:

FWIW I don't think a 3 year old needs to be in school but there really aren't any frum kids that age in our neighborhood who aren't in school so my 3 year old cries that he is lonely and why isn't there anyone to play with him and why does no one want play dates and why isn't he in school also Crying

He's also the sort of kid who needs constant one on one time so it is very draining.

Are there any parks/playgrounds in your neighborhood? Can’t be that you would be the ONLY one there on the weekday Smile

It might be less kids than on the weekend, but your chld still can befriend somebody of his age. There are plenty of 3 y.o. on the playground at any given time of the day (I am in Brooklyn). I used to make friends with babysitters and mothers while our kids played. I was able to find out lots of useful information regarding kids' stuff in my area.
Also, libraries have free programs for little kids. Most community centers have free mommy-and-me programs for kids under 5. Do you research and good luck!

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 1:03 pm

naturalmom5 wrote:

My intention isn't to offend but can I just ask a few simple questions .

Where are you typing this , OP? Are you on a warm room or is it freezing cold , while you wait over two months for a HEAP check.

What are you typing on a laptop, a desktop, or a phone from work ?

Do you see your children every night or are they in another part of the country in the only Jewish school that will take them and a "no child will be left behind " grant pays them.

Are there clothing and sheitl gmachs in your neighborhood?

Do you have a landline phone?

We all have to thank Hashem for what we do have...

I am sure op is thankful for these stuff but she also has other hardships that she wans comforting to.
When someone looses a child c'v are you going to say dont b sad you have 7 other children?????

naturalmom5

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 1:26 pm

amother wrote:

naturalmom5 wrote:

My intention isn't to offend but can I just ask a few simple questions .

Where are you typing this , OP? Are you on a warm room or is it freezing cold , while you wait over two months for a HEAP check.

What are you typing on a laptop, a desktop, or a phone from work ?

Do you see your children every night or are they in another part of the country in the only Jewish school that will take them and a "no child will be left behind " grant pays them.

Are there clothing and sheitl gmachs in your neighborhood?

Do you have a landline phone?

We all have to thank Hashem for what we do have...

I am sure op is thankful for these stuff but she also has other hardships that she wans comforting to.
When someone looses a child c'v are you going to say dont b sad you have 7 other children?????

You are absolutely right at this point in the thread .
When I originally wrote this, how do you compare losing a child r"l to financial worries.

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 4:11 pm

Barbara wrote:

Am I getting this right -- your husband is in the US on a student visa. He can work in certain authorized positions, but that doesn't bring in enough money. Since you (and your kids) are F2 visa status, you can't work, and cannot attend school.

What I don't get is why it seems that both of your entire extended families are also in the US, presumably with immigrant status, but you're not. But that's obviously none of my business.

Would it be possible for you to apply to change your status to F1 and to attend school on a part-time basis, which would also allow you to work? I know nothing about immigration law, so I don't know if that would work.

He's actually on a specific work visa, when someone comes for work their spouse can live in the US but can't work, they can do things like volunteer or attend school. The kids are American. I would need to be in school full time and then the only job I can get is working for the school I attend. After I have finished a degree I would be able to work for one year. We've actually applied for green cards a few months ago which is why pursuing anything at this point is really a waste of time.

Neither of our families are in the US. I've just been quite vague but I never said they were here. Things would be a lot easier if we had family to help out physically and we could then go to them for meals. We are on our own.

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 6:08 pm

OP I have been in your position too. It is terrible. Really. And, I think I speak for most of us who have suffered financially with my answers to q's below:

[quote="naturalmom5"][quote="amother"]

naturalmom5 wrote:

My intention isn't to offend but can I just ask a few simple questions .

Where are you typing this , OP? Are you on a warm room or is it freezing cold , while you wait over two months for a HEAP check.
I have waited months for a LIHEAP check. We huddled in a room with a space heater- all four of us, and prayed that LIHEAP would come soon so we were protected from electricty shut off until March 15th by which point hopefully our USF grant would kick.

What are you typing on a laptop, a desktop, or a phone from work ?
Did you read her post? She cannot work. If her family is all out of the country, and the only way her kids can see their grandparents is via skype should she give that up? My family is all abroad. We couldn't afford any kind of phone. I made paying my $40/month internet connection a priority so I would have some connection to outside world.

Do you see your children every night or are they in another part of the country in the only Jewish school that will take them and a "no child will be left behind " grant pays them.
Her kids are 3 and a baby. Why would she send them away?

Are there clothing and sheitl gmachs in your neighborhood?
And if there are or are not?

Do you have a landline phone?
What relevance is this? I didn't have a landline phone.. or a cellphone. It was impossible to get any government help without having a phone number to be reached at; not that she is eligible for government help as a non-citizen.

We all have to thank Hashem for what we do have...

Natural mom, I see a bitter woman when I read your post, I really do. This is a person who cannot work, is likely spending thousands on getting her greencard (been there too) and has two kids to support. You cannot work or study anywhere when waiting for your greencard and live a very miserable existence not able to even leave the country (or have income, or study.. or do anything). I could not leave for 9 months. It was terrible, doing every chag alone, having no family nearby. I do not see what your post is trying to accomplish? Yes, be thankful for your blessings- there is always someone worse off, but when someone is going through one of the most trying times of their life someone else telling them to "be grateful" serves to hurt, not help.
I assure you that even though I complain about my finances daily, I have in mind that someone in Africa is suffering far worse than I am, but having this in mind helps neither me nor them.
OP- by all means, be grateful. Don't allow pious reminders of what you to have to be grateful for overtake your very real emotions of fear and putting food on the table though.

Anon only because I wrote private details of my life.

shlomitsmum

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 6:20 pm

[quote="amother"]OP I have been in your position too. It is terrible. Really. And, I think I speak for most of us who have suffered financially with my answers to q's below:

[quote="naturalmom5"]

amother wrote:

naturalmom5 wrote:

My intention isn't to offend but can I just ask a few simple questions .

Where are you typing this , OP? Are you on a warm room or is it freezing cold , while you wait over two months for a HEAP check.
I have waited months for a LIHEAP check. We huddled in a room with a space heater- all four of us, and prayed that LIHEAP would come soon so we were protected from electricty shut off until March 15th by which point hopefully our USF grant would kick.

What are you typing on a laptop, a desktop, or a phone from work ?
Did you read her post? She cannot work. If her family is all out of the country, and the only way her kids can see their grandparents is via skype should she give that up? My family is all abroad. We couldn't afford any kind of phone. I made paying my $40/month internet connection a priority so I would have some connection to outside world.

Do you see your children every night or are they in another part of the country in the only Jewish school that will take them and a "no child will be left behind " grant pays them.
Her kids are 3 and a baby. Why would she send them away?

Are there clothing and sheitl gmachs in your neighborhood?
And if there are or are not?

Do you have a landline phone?
What relevance is this? I didn't have a landline phone.. or a cellphone. It was impossible to get any government help without having a phone number to be reached at; not that she is eligible for government help as a non-citizen.

We all have to thank Hashem for what we do have...

Fair enough to protect your privacy but to call her "bitter woman" is IMO uncalled for and overkill .
There are ways to point stuff out to people without resorting to this name calling under amother .

Shame on you

Barbara

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 6:30 pm

amother wrote:

Barbara wrote:

Apologies for misconstruing.

I'm adding this to my list of reasons that I really hate US immigration policy, and wishing you only the best.

BTW, as you're looking into schools for next year, you should consider whether your area offers a universal pre-kindergarten program, and if so, check your eligibility. UPK is half or whole-day, and its free. No, you're probably not going to be in an Orthodox school. But there are some Jewish programs, and many many excellent secular ones. Since I don't know where you live, I'll link to NYC information. It will give you an idea how to google for other locations. http://schools.nyc.gov/Choices.....t.htm FTR, I sent my DS to a UPK, so I'm not suggesting anything that I wouldn't do myself.

wispalover

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 7:04 pm

Barbara wrote:

I sent my son too! In a very mixed area and he was literally the only white face (and only Jewish kid) in the entire school. He did not even notice. The teachers were fabulous, the resources they had were amazing and I highly recommend doing this finance problems or not.

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 7:23 pm

I am pasting and reposting as someone reported my post for 'name calling'. I cannot understand why my post was reported for calling someone a '** woman' who clearly did not mean to help OP, rather judge her. I have edited that part out.

"OP I have been in your position too. It is terrible. Really. And, I think I speak for most of us who have suffered financially with my answers to q's below:

[quote="naturalmom5"][quote="amother"]
naturalmom5 wrote:
'My intention isn't to offend but can I just ask a few simple questions .

Where are you typing this , OP? Are you on a warm room or is it freezing cold , while you wait over two months for a HEAP check.
I have waited months for a LIHEAP check. We huddled in a room with a space heater- all four of us, and prayed that LIHEAP would come soon so we were protected from electricty shut off until March 15th by which point hopefully our USF grant would kick.

What are you typing on a laptop, a desktop, or a phone from work ?
Did you read her post? She cannot work. If her family is all out of the country, and the only way her kids can see their grandparents is via skype should she give that up? My family is all abroad. We couldn't afford any kind of phone. I made paying my $40/month internet connection a priority so I would have some connection to outside world.

Do you see your children every night or are they in another part of the country in the only Jewish school that will take them and a "no child will be left behind " grant pays them.
Her kids are 3 and a baby. Why would she send them away?

Are there clothing and sheitl gmachs in your neighborhood?
And if there are or are not?

Do you have a landline phone?
What relevance is this? I didn't have a landline phone.. or a cellphone. It was impossible to get any government help without having a phone number to be reached at; not that she is eligible for government help as a non-citizen.

We all have to thank Hashem for what we do have...'

Natural mom, I see a very judgemental person when I read your post. The OP is a person who cannot work, is likely spending thousands on getting her greencard (I have been there too FTR) and has two kids to support. You cannot work or study anywhere when waiting for your greencard and live a very miserable existence not able to even leave the country (or have income, or study.. or do anything). I could not leave for 9 months. It was terrible, doing every chag alone, having no family nearby. I do not see what your post is trying to accomplish? Yes, be thankful for your blessings- there is always someone worse off, but when someone is going through one of the most trying times of their life someone else telling them to "be grateful" serves to hurt, not help.
I assure you that even though I complain about my finances daily, I have in mind that someone in Africa is suffering far worse than I am, but having this in mind helps neither me nor them.
OP- by all means, be grateful. Don't allow pious reminders of what you to have to be grateful for overtake your very real emotions of fear and putting food on the table though.

Anon only because I wrote private details of my life."

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 7:40 pm

I understand your situation. I know how you feel.
We are 100+K in debt (failed business) and my husband was out of work for almost a year (while I was pregnant with our second child and after the birth).
All our life savings went to support ourselves, pay the rent, and make repayments to creditors.
We have no money in the bank.
My husband's family is overseas and I am a convert (Orthodox).
Though our families wouldn't let us go hungry either, I know how you feel when you say you want to keep your pride. I also hate asking for $$$ help.
DH now has a job, Baruch Hashem, but it only just covers the rent. With repayments, etc. our expenses per month are almost double. The rest of it always comes like the manna from shamayim, one way or another, and Baruch Hashem we always manage to meet our deadlines (or mostly).
But that also means forgoing vacations, new clothes, pretty things.

Only Hashem knows why we have different tsarot.
Sometimes its a tikkun from a previous gilgul. Sometimes its for tikkunim now.
And as always in these situations, challenges are to perfect our middot - patience, histapkut, etc.
The Vilna Gaon was asked what is the purpose of life and he responded: "Tikkun HaMiddot Zeh Kol HaAdam" (Fixing our middot)
And Hashem never presents a challenge to anyone if they can't handle it.

Two things I'd love to share with you and anyone else in this situation or a similar one:

1. What is the meaning of the word "rich"? (In Hebrew "ASHIR" - ayin, shin, yud, resh)
Acutally, it's an acronym...
AYIN - AINAYIM - eyes
SHIN - SHINAYIM - teeth
YUD - YADAYIM - hands
RESH - REGLAYIM - legs
If we have all of those we need to thank and bless Hashem.

2. Reading tehillim and pouring your heart out to Hashem really, really helps.

Your kids will never know the financial and otherwise difficulties that they went through if you and your DH show them love and kindness every single day, and they don't see the struggle in your head. They will grow up healthy, happy and strong, and will have perfect middot.

Likewise, when you hold your head up high, and show you are a strong, amazing woman who overcomes such battles, your glowing neshama will radiate out from your face, and no one will see an older sheitel, or hand-me down clothes.
They will see an amazing eshet chayil with perfect middot.

Posted anonymously due to private family details given.
P.s. sorry for the long post

amother

Wed, Feb 13 2013, 10:57 pm

Thank you everyone for all your support.

I am not easily insulted and I knew at least one person would tell me to count my blessings which I think I'm pretty good at. I've been struggling with these things on and off for several years and it finally got to me right after we got a gasp of fresh air after hitting rock bottom in a sleep deprived, hormonal, lonely state. This thread has made me feel a lot better. I often feel so alone even though I know there are other families in similar (and worse) situations. It feels like everyone I know can easily pay tuition and go on vacation and their kids have tons of nice new clothing and they sail through school that is fully paid for by their parents so they enter their careers debt free and that is so not our reality.

There really are very few kids in the park. We have a fantastic one a block away and there are rarely any children there, it is seriously very depressing during the day. I think its different in summer but on a gorgeous day there are no kids there. I usually walk about 25 minutes to a different park because there are sometimes kids there but only after school lets out. I know I sound ridiculous but there really are no frum kids her age that don't go to school. I don't think a 3 year old needs school at all and I was also shocked when I realized that it is the norm. Most 2 year olds are in school a couple of times a week even if the mother stays home or they have full time nanny.

I've never heard of UPK before, I will definitely look into it. I don't know if it will be a good option for us but it is definitely something I will mention to my husband especially if the school makes us crazy about tuition.

I think I'm going to try to convince DH that a sheitel gemach is a good idea. He's also not a taker at all and the whole situation is really difficult for him.

I find saying tehillim really difficult the past couple of years. A few things have happened in that past couple of years that make saying tehillim really difficult, I prefer not to think about them and when I daven it all comes out.

amother

Sat, Mar 30 2013, 11:40 pm

I need someone to make me feel ok.

So the one getting married is marrying rich. They want to keep their wedding money in savings so they are asking both sides for money. We didn't get a flipping penny and neither of us was working. They are getting sterling silver cutlery, 10,000 dollar ring, 2,000 dollar candlesticks and they are of course entitled to keep their savings so they can have a down payment on a house while we continue to go hungry. Things have been awful lately even they were supposed to be better. I don't know how to calm down I keep getting so angry, I feel like we do everything right and try so hard and we keep getting shafted.

Also I lost a family member and someone very close to me is very sick again. My life has been constant downs and the kallah gets to be a spoiled brat who has to worry about dipping into savings.

amother

Babyblue

Sat, Mar 30 2013, 11:44 pm

amother wrote:

Some people are never happy no matter how much they have. I know you are jealous, and you have a right to be, but don't think she's happier because of all the nice things she has.

I respect wealthy people, but some are overly concerned with what impressions they make on others and what others are saying about them. When you put yourself in the limelight, you can expect to be the topic of many conversations.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Jan 11 2016, 8:34 pm; edited 1 time in total