"He is going to get Sick"

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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chocolate chips

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 4:28 pm

I went out to the park today with my son. When I left it was pretty nice weather, probably high 40s so I put his spring jacket on top of his winter sweater and he was fine. He was running around in the park for an hour and then we went to my sil for a few minutes.

So I was chatting to my sil outside her house when her neighbor came to join us. Her kids were running around with my son and my niece. At this point it had cooled off a bit and we were in the shade so it was a bit breezy. Not freezing but not warm at all.
This neighbor (who I have never met and do not know at all!) turns to me and said pointing to ds "he is freezing in that" So I checked and I said "no he is ok". She looks at me with this look that said I have more kids you are new to this how would you know and told me "it is winter weather and he is wearing a spring jacket, he needs a winter coat he is going to get sick now!"

I just walked away because I honestly did not know what to say!

If I want to be DLK"Z maybe she just meant well.

BUT:
Who is she to say my son will get sick or he is cold or anything? I am his mother I know my son, I know what he needs.
Obviously it is colder in the shade besides she didn't even know when I left the house, the weather or where I had been with him.
Did she expect me to run and get him a winter coat on the spot? Perhaps he doesn't even have a winter coat, she doesn't know me from anywhere she doesn't know if I live here, don't live here, poor, rich.....

I know this is just a vent but it is really p***ing me off. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT WHEN THEIR STUPID COMMENTS WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING!?!?!?!?!

Oh and thanks for saying my son will get sick. After I left I was like I totally should have turned around and said oh and so will yours!

myself

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 4:39 pm

Personally I can't stand when anyone says that something will happen.
It's a little like a curse. I often hear -

He'll fall
He'll catch a cold
He'll run in the street
You won't enjoy it
It won't work out
etc.

How about wishing somebody well?

MimiMommy

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 4:55 pm

Tell her your son has a stronger immune system than her kids. I agree with you, it's so annoying when people tell you how to dress your kids. What a nudge.

Fox

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 5:05 pm

I completely agree! Our schools apparently have time to badger young women about the length of their skirts (not that I'm advocating short skirts), but no one seems to ever say bluntly, "It is not tznius, refined, or appropriate for a bas Torah to run around giving unsolicited advice except in an emergency where she possesses special knowledge."

My own reaction in these circumstances is to fix a steely gaze and a chilly smile on the perpetrator and generally try to look as if a horrible faux pas was committed but I'm too much of a lady to acknowledge it. Admittedly, this is not very effective. It's certainly much too subtle for the perpetrator, who is clearly beyond the reach of anything less than a wallop over the head.

Barbara

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 5:29 pm

I hate that.

Tell her that kids get sick from germs, not from the cold. And that your son is perfectly capable of telling you if he's cold, but he wasn't.

imamiri

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 6:17 pm

Someone needs to print out pamphlets that have a condensed version of The Germ Theory of Disease. My DD gets warm quickly and regularly takes off her hat or coat. And I hate hearing the old, "She'll catch a cold that way!!". If I had a handy dandy pamphlet on Germ Theory, I could shove that at the offending person and tell them to read and learn.

morah

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 8:59 pm

I get the same thing and I hate it. I am one of those people who has a higher tolerance for cold and generally wear one layer less than most people. My son seems to take after me. He doesn't need as much as he looks like he does and will take off the extra clothing. If he is cold enough, he will ask for that layer back. And yet, I always get nagged about how "underdressed" he is- from family to perfect strangers. With strangers, I smile and nod, with relatives, I'm a little more confrontational. Oh well, at least there's an end in sight- until next winter...

yo'ma

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 9:06 pm

Is it just me, but when people that I don't know or don't care about say something that "bother" me, it doesn't bother me, I ignore it and let it go?!

justcallmeima

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 9:52 pm

Kill 'em with kindness. Get extremely sarcastically sickeningly sweet in these situations. "He is?? Oh thank you soooo much! I really appreciate your telling me my son is going to get sick. Thank you soooo much." Then just continue on as if nothing happened. Smile

seeker

Thu, Apr 04 2013, 10:15 pm

I think all of you need to take a chill pill. So, it was a bit annoying. See the warmth aspect of a stranger caring about another Jewish child. So, she's not smooth with the wording and didn't think deeply enough into the interaction to edit her message for proper positivity of delivery or whatever. We live in a cold, MYOB world and are conditioned to think of this as a good thing. You don't have to accept or enjoy unsolicited advice but you might try at least thinking of it as coming from a warm, caring place.

My grandmother, who did not come from this same cold, impersonal world, was infamous for stopping strangers, neighbors, and friends on the street to offer advice on things like dressing your kid warmly. I don't know what they thought at the time, but at her shiva they came out in droves saying how special it was that she cared so much about everyone's safety and health. And I can assure you she didn't sugarcoat her advice, either. No matter how sharply it's worded, it takes a lot more caring to say something and risk the person resenting you than to just ignore these things.

amother

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 12:45 am

I have relatives who like to throw around lots of "they're going to get sick"s. This is only topped by the relatives who throw around "someone's going to get killed".

I try to accept that their intention is simple concern and caring, and calmly explain to them that words have power and that they should try to please be more careful with them.

I get where you're coming from OP, obviously, but getting so worked up over this does no good. Wishing you had told her that her kids will get sick too is rather petty.

Either have something constructive to say next time this comes up, or just ignore it.

DrMom

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 1:34 am

Just smile and say, "Thank you for your concern."

Oh and if you ever make aliyah, practice the above phrase (in Hebrew) before you come. This is the world capital of unsolicited parenting advice.

black sheep

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 1:50 am

I tend to get snarky in those situations. I would have said, "really? your kids get sick just from not wearing a winter coat in this weather? that seems extreme... do you give them vitamins? are they weak in general? do they get sick often?"

marshmellow

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 6:47 am

Very rude and nasty. How dare she say "he is going to get a sick". If she REALLY, absolutely HAD to say something ( although anything at all was uncalled for), any normal person would have said something like "his coat looks a little thin for this weather, I hope he doesn't get sick, G-d forbid".

But this is only for a close friend, or family member to say. Not a "friend", let alone a neighbour you don't know. It's not right to just comment to someone you are not close to on something which makes it sound like you are criticising their mothering. It's fine for your own mother to advise you, but not a neighbour, and not in such a way as that so nasty. And if there was a situation in which it really seemed like something should be said it should be phrased differently, as part of a friendly conversation. Instead of being concerned she made it sound like she really doesn't care and just wanted to scare you.

ally

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 6:56 am

DrMom wrote:

Just smile and say, "Thank you for your concern."

Oh and if you ever make aliyah, practice the above phrase (in Hebrew) before you come. This is the world capital of unsolicited parenting advice.

My favourite story: After listening to an old woman give me random parenting advice for 15 minutes (I felt bad, she seemed lonely), I finally excused myself. As I walked away, she called after me "Tagidi Toda!"

Isramom8

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 7:34 am

I certainly believe in germs, but feeling cold can affect resistence to them. If your child isn't saying that he is cold or showing signs of being too cold, then you can ignore advice about dressing him differently. It also depends on how many layers he has on underneath.

chani8

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 8:21 am

Just to go off on a tangient, Wink

,I think a person can get sick from being cold. Not even just from the lowered resistance to germs.

Perhaps it is something to google.

amother

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 8:39 am

chani8 wrote:

Just to go off on a tangient, Wink

,I think a person can get sick from being cold. Not even just from the lowered resistance to germs.

Perhaps it is something to google.

Actually I was once in hospital with my little one overnight and complained that it was cold. The next day she had a high fever and I told the doctor that it was really unfair that this happened. She responded 'they don't catch a cold from the cold but from a virus'. To me she sounded nuts and I don't fully agree, oh well...!

chani8

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 9:01 am

Tipat Chalav tells parents to make sure the house does not get too cold for baby's sake.

Here is a result of my google search. Apparently, cold can cause hypothermia:

Quote:

Hypothermia can cause illness but just feeling chilly or even getting "goosebumps" or shivering from the cold weather is not hypothermia. When medical studies use that term, it is used to refer to a specific measurement of core body temperature. The term is not used just to mean that someone felt cold.

Hypothermia is not the same as being cold, it is a specific medical diagnosis and :

It is defined as a core body temperature that is at or below 95 F (35 C). The normal human core body temperature is 98.6 F (37 C).

Needs to be treated if core body temperature goes below 95 F (35 C).

Affects motor coordination through impact to the nervous system at core body temperatures of 95 F (35 C).

Becomes life threatening below core body temperatures of 90 F (32.2 C).

When the core body temperature drops that low, at the start of a hypothermic condition, symptoms can include intense uncontrollable shaking and shivering, then if your body continues to get colder, the shivering stops when the core temperature gets between 90 F and 86 F.

It causes heart rate, respiratory rate, and blood pressure to rise during the first stages of hypothermia as your body tries to increase metabolism and warm itself, but these vital signs fall once the core temperature gets 90°F (32.2°C).

Creates coma at below 86 F.

Heart rate becomes very irregular below 82 F and death can soon follow.

MiracleMama

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 12:19 pm

I think you need to be exposed to extreme cold for an extended time to get hypothermia, no?

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