"He is going to get Sick"

bigsis144

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 1:09 pm

My 3 year old also has a high tolerance for cold. Or maybe it's just a low tolerance for heat -- he strips naked the minute we get into the house. Our apartment building is kept very very warm, so he takes off his hat and coat the second we walk in and he often tries to take off his shirt and pants in the lobby, elevator or hallway!

I'm usually okay with well-meaning advice if it's short and polite, but sometimes people don't know how to back off. We were walking the half block home from shul one Shabbos and DS was in a sweater vest over his shirt. I was carrying his coat because it had been colder when we left, and was now in the 40s.

Lady: "Is that your son?? He's gonna freeze without a coat!"
Me: "Oh, he tends to run hot. I've got his coat right here in case he wants it."
Lady: "You're his mother, make him wear his coat."
Me: "I think he's okay for now, thanks. If he gets cold, he'll ask me."
Lady: "You can't let your kids push you around like this! They need to know who's boss and they can't tell you what to do..."

At this point, I actually started enjoying the discussion because I knew nothing would please her. So I started snarking, "I know... the chutzpah of kids these days. At 3 they're not wearing a coat, and then by the time they're teenagers, Hashem Yerachem..."

By then, I was in front of my apartment building, but I actually wanted to keep Poe's Lawing her until she realized I was totally trolling. Twisted Evil

Fox

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 1:42 pm

seeker wrote:

I think all of you need to take a chill pill. So, it was a bit annoying. See the warmth aspect of a stranger caring about another Jewish child. So, she's not smooth with the wording and didn't think deeply enough into the interaction to edit her message for proper positivity of delivery or whatever. We live in a cold, MYOB world and are conditioned to think of this as a good thing. You don't have to accept or enjoy unsolicited advice but you might try at least thinking of it as coming from a warm, caring place.

My grandmother, who did not come from this same cold, impersonal world, was infamous for stopping strangers, neighbors, and friends on the street to offer advice on things like dressing your kid warmly. I don't know what they thought at the time, but at her shiva they came out in droves saying how special it was that she cared so much about everyone's safety and health. And I can assure you she didn't sugarcoat her advice, either. No matter how sharply it's worded, it takes a lot more caring to say something and risk the person resenting you than to just ignore these things.

I'm definitely in favor of taking a chill pill when these things happen. However, I don't necessarily agree with your analysis of the underlying issues, and I'm definitely not sanguine about the prospect of lending tacit approval to the behavior.

I would argue that our reactions are not a result of the general zeitgeist. Rather, people like your grandmother exude such tremendous ahavas Yisroel and affection for others that even the bluntest advice is palatable.

We've all read stories about rebbetzins who took safety pins to the low-cut blouses of neighbors and ordinary women who gave point-blank advice about everything from child-rearing to kashrus. But these people were unique. As in your grandmother's case, the objects of their advice often remembered the incident with great fondness. Were there more of these people in previous generations? I'm not sure. I've read various women's accounts of life in Europe before WWII, and while some report that the overall level of ahavas Yisroel was higher, others report that there were plenty of ill-willed yentas in the shtetls, too.

Whatever, the case, dispensing advice to random Yidden is not really a do-it-yourself project. Most of us are simply not at that level of ahavas Yisroel or ahavas anybody, for that matter. Our "advice" comes from our own egos, not from true love. How does someone know if she has the proper motivation for giving advice? I don't know, but I think if you have to ask, you have your answer.

More troubling, though, is the underlying idea that otherwise inappropriate behavior should be condoned simply because the person has good intentions or "a good heart." This is a slippery slope. Giving unsolicited advice isn't the worst aveira in the world, and we should obviously be dan l'chav zchus that such advice is given with good intentions. Nor, obviously, should we spend a lot of emotional energy being upset about it. But except under unusual circumstances, such behavior is really not okay, and we shouldn't be shy about saying so.

Everyone regularly complains here on imamother and elsewhere about the breakdown of general civility in the world. We can't fix the world, we certainly can't fix every Bubbie who believes her advice to be invaluable, and no one should go around engaging the local yentas in confrontations. But similar to the broken window theory of law enforcement, appearing to condone minor bad behavior inexorably leads to even worse and more serious misbehavior.

Barbara

Fri, Apr 05 2013, 2:29 pm

marina wrote:

I've heard cold weather can lower the body's resistance to viruses, but no idea how accurate that is.

Anyway, yeah OP chill out. Bubbies do this all time, as well as people from different cultures.

Smile and thank her and get on with your day. Not worth the emotional energy you spent on her.

Spoken like someone who hasn't endured this hundreds of times.

One summer, DS refused to wear shorts or sandals. Now, I could have held him down with my body and forced them on him, but it didn't seem worthwhile. Not a day went by when I didn't get 10 people asking me why I didn't put the poor child in shorts, since he was clearly so hot.

In any case, someone who actually cared would have said, "is he cold? I can lend you a jacket if he needs one."

marina

Sun, Apr 07 2013, 11:10 am

Barbara wrote:

marina wrote:

Spoken like someone who hasn't endured this hundreds of times.
One summer, DS refused to wear shorts or sandals. Now, I could have held him down with my body and forced them on him, but it didn't seem worthwhile. Not a day went by when I didn't get 10 people asking me why I didn't put the poor child in shorts, since he was clearly so hot.

In any case, someone who actually cared would have said, "is he cold? I can lend you a jacket if he needs one."

Really? If I don't agree with you, I haven't endured this hundreds of times? My mother, my grandparents- they discuss this nonstop. As well as all my other child-rearing and bearing choices.

Why don't I dress my children appropriately?
Why don't I give more love and affection to this and that child? Maybe she feels left out?
Why don't I have more children, right now, this very instant? Maybe I should go find my husband right now and get pregnant?
Why don't my children play chess?
Why didn't I teach them a second language?
Why aren't they as brilliant as our cousin, the one who is doing medical research at MIT at the age of 15.
Why do I let my children have a dog?
Why don't I send my children to a more orthodox school?
Why don't I send my children to a less orthodox school?
Why don't we visit more often?

Lalala. I can go on for a while.

amother

Sun, Apr 07 2013, 6:09 pm

You know, I live in FL. The OPPOSITE of cold weather. And today at a sprinkler park I saw a frum couple, probably visiting from NY or somewhere, with their 1 yr old daughter who was in a cute little bathing suit, looking like a lobster. The child was absolutely sunburnt. And here she was, in direct sunlight, 90 degrees at least, baking some more, no trace of any sort of sunscreen that wouldn't wash off. I wanted so badly to say something to the parents, to offer even to leave my sunscreen with them. They seemed young, unexperienced parents. And if they are not from here, they may not quite get how damaging sun exposure is here. But I held my tongue because I thought of this thread, and how sensitive everyone is to the slightest bit of criticism of their parenting and judgement. And I really don't know if in the end I was right or wrong to walk away and say nothing, but it's eating away at me that this baby is being scorched and may have skin damage that wont show up for years. I'm not a yenta or a know it all. Just a fellow concerned mom, yid, human being. And I hate feeling like there is no right way to act. Seems like weather you open your mouth or not - either way is the wrong thing. Frustrated. Really.

chocolate chips

Sun, Apr 07 2013, 11:22 pm

amother wrote:

If I was that couple and someone came over to me in the park and said
"omg are you crazy? look at your kid she is sunburnt you must cover her up more you have to put on sunscreen poor kid it hurts..."
I would feel how I felt after this lady said what she said to me.

If you would have come to me and said
"hi my name is amother. Are you from out of town? I notice your daughter looks a little burnt I have some sunscreen if you would like to borrow I know how hard it is with kids who are ultra sensitive my son literally goes through 3 bottles in the summer"
I would have thanked you and explained the situation (whatever it was).

Obviously you can never know the reaction but as I said, there is a polite way to say things!!