"YOU RUIN THINGS FOR ME"

MuppetLover

Mon, Apr 08 2013, 9:12 pm

We arent rich, we are on the same page as everyone else in life. We are saving to buy a house.
We go away for Pesach and Sukkos because we have lots of guests during the year and the money we would spend on yom tov we go away with.

We do fun things because we research best pricing. etc. We wear designer clothing because I am amazing shopper and I pay next to nothing for these things.

My son,9 told a friend in school what we did over Pesach. A mother in the class screamed at me today "YOU ARE RUINING THINGS FOR ME BECAUSE YOUR SON TELLS MY SON THE OUTINGS YOU GO ON. MY DAUGHTER WANTS YOUR DAUGHTERS CLOTHES. I CANT AFFORD YOUR LIFESTYLE"

I didnt realize people looked that closely. I didnt think anyone cared that much. I LIKE designer things, I dont want to pay designer prices. We like to do fun outings. We look for coupons, etc. I feel bad for this lady...What do I tell her

miami85

Mon, Apr 08 2013, 9:27 pm

I guess share some of your secrets with her. Many people think the grass is greener elsewhere. Tell her, " you know I really got those designer shoes at an outlet mall, should I tell you the next time I go?" etc. or "I saw this amazing coupon to 'Kid Fun Zone' (made up place) in X paper..." blah blah.

bookworm10

Mon, Apr 08 2013, 10:47 pm

You don't have to live your life according to other people.

However, to you your clothes might be next to nothing, but cheap designer or not, its definitely more expensive than local Children's Place. The same with outings, it might be really cheap, but some people just can't even afford cheap. That might be where she is coming from.

imasinger

Mon, Apr 08 2013, 10:55 pm

She was really out of line, both in terms of etiquette, and in terms of keeping the mitzvot.

I think, if I were in your shoes, I would have said, "wow, it sounds like your kids gave you a really hard time! My kids also complain that they want what another kid has. Isn't it a pain how they all can drive parents crazy like that?"

amother

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 1:25 am

We are not hermits, we live in a society. There is no way to buy anything designer for next to nothing, as I am also a great shopper and love nice things, and they are never that cheap or free, no way to compare it to buying in a low end store on sale, where a $10. item goes for $2. on sale.

Designer items are a luxury, although sometimes they are better quality and last longer, or are more appealing for many reasons.
Still, those that cannot afford it, even on sale upon sale, even at outlet malls, feel troubled that their children are exposed to it all around, and they have to say no to that juicy bag or that burberry shirt.

While my children will occasionally get something designer, most of the time I teach them that gap and old navy as well as the other cheaper things are just trendy and superb, and they love the idea that they really paid pennies for that stuff.....I have taught them to be excellent shoppers as well.

Some families get only hand me downs, and have no money to buy anything extra. And no matter how budget wise I am and how little I spend, I have heard back from my kids how some neighbors badmouth our outlandish spending, or the *fact* that we are wealthy (which we are most definitely not). So there is something called maaris ayin, and their belief will outweigh the actual amount of dollars spent.
There is another word for it, and its called jealousy.
Some people know how to look great for pennies. Others spend a small fortune and still look yucky.

Mrs.K

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 4:14 am

Oh good grief.

Years ago when I would ask my parents why we didn't go on trips like the Cohen's or have nice clothing like the Schwartz's, they used it as an opportunity to teach me about life, reality, being happy with what one is given, giving to those less fortunate then us, and so on.

Gotta love today's generation. Call the mother and scream at her for living her life instead of using it as an opportunity to teach the children skills that will serve them well in life. You have to change yourself because my children shouldn't be disappointed. Rolling Eyes

Additionally Muppetlover, please change your screename. My daughter just walked by and glanced at my computer screen and dissolved into tears. She too used to love muppets until she saw a particularly chilling episode of sesame street. Now she's terrified of them. HOW DARE YOU so brazenly flaunt your love of muppets in front of my children? You're ruining things for me!

nameless

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 4:20 am

You are not ruining her children. If her children see that she's happy with the clothes, vacations etc. that she has her kids will come out just fine. Even if at the moment they want what your kids have.
Most likely if her kids will have issues it will be because she taught them that you have to keep up with their friends and anything less is a tragedy!

Raisin

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 4:33 am

If I had enough money to host guests regularly, go away twice a year (although you don't make it clear if you are camping in the woods or staying in a hotel) and regularly buy my kids new clothes (and had the time to shop for great bargains as well, time is money) plus pay my rent, food, tuition etc and STILL have money left over to save, yes, I would consider myself rich.

Yes, people are influenced by what others do. Its not right of that lady to say anything to you, and in an ideal world she can mechanech her kids that designer clothing and expensive vacations are not important, but for every person that says something there are ten parents who are struggling to buy their kids the things that "everyone" else has.

Of course, if your kid is the one kid in the class with designer clothing, I don't think every other kid will feel pressured, but if 50% of the kids are wearing designer, the others may feel left out and miserable.

I guess I am blessed in that none of my kids classmates appear to wear designer clothing. Or if they do its a meaningless name to them. My kids would probably be more impressed by a gap sweatshirt then by a ralph lauren one.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 4:47 am

OP may be rich, she might not be. I think it's irrelevant if she has special talent to hunt down deals (and as Rasin said, anyway time is money) or if she paid full price for everything.

One, The mother was wrong and very crass. I don't think that can be argued.

Two, it's op's right to enjoy her money as she sees fit, be it designer clothes or quality time with her kids in Hawaii. She doesn't have to live miserably just so the other mothers won't get jealous.

Three. no man is an island. Obviously when more and more kids start wearing designer clothes/travelling to Hawaii/ doing xzy, their peers will want to also. That's just how life works. A kid will always have a yearning to have the good things his friend has, even if it's something really basic, like Yossi's mom takes them out to the zoo every chol hamoed, and why do we have to stay home and do nothing.

Four, all you (general you, and op) can do is to try and not be ostentatious. In other words, don't flaunt. And try not to live far above your community. In other words, if 90% of the kids in the class don't have enough money to host a birthday party, and you think kids must have birthday parties, then either skip it/have one just with family, or move to a different community/school/circle, where you can live at the standard you wish without causes others' eyes to boggle out.

asp40

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 7:04 am

Seriously. That mother was way out of line. She needs to learn how to deal with her own situation and not spend her time looking at yours. My kids have very "wealthy" friends who have the latest clothing, electronics, go to Israel twice a year and Disney every year and go to fancy summer camps. Guess what - we do not so any of that and we do not care. I say to my kids - oh wow, that is great - sounds like a fun trip, or whatever. We are not struggling. We get by just fine and make smart money decisions. I have to be comfortable with myself and my decisions and I pass that along to my children.

My kids also have friends who watch PG-13 movies in 3rd grade and think nothing of staying up until midnight. Their kids have iPods with no limits, they can google and use YouTube to their hearts content. We are very MO, but we do not allow any of that. Who cares - that is not what we do.

This Mom was out os line. There are always people with more or less and than you and you need to learn how to deal with that. I always remind my kids that we are lucky to have have plenty to wear and eat and to give to tzedakah, plus fun extra. It might not be Disney World yearly, but they are living a normal life.

chatouli

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 8:18 am

I would not say anything to her. Either she is going through a very bad time and that's why she said such an inappropriate thing - in which case she may already be horribly embarrassed - or she's not right in the head. Either way, rehashing it can't do anything good for either of you. Unless she brings it up again, in which case I like the suggestion to offer to share your couponing tricks.

(I'd love to know your couponing tricks too, btw!)

forever21

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 8:55 am

Based on your lifestyle I dont think you are on the same page as everyone else. I think that going away twice a year and buying designer clothes (even if you get it cheaper), etc tells me that you are probably better off financially that many people.
Having said that, I think that woman who yelled at you is absolutely ridiculous. It's really none of her business. I could just imagine her yelling at her neighbor who drives a porsch: "How dare you? Now my husband wants one! You have no right to drive that kind of car when my family cant afford that one!" Just an example to show you how out of line that woman was.
There will also be someone who has more than you, in different ways, that woman has got to grow up. Now if only she were on imamother and reading this and the other comments...

pelle

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 9:40 am

while I agree the lady was completely out of line. I would definitely have a talk with my children about keeping the nice things in life that they are blessed with underwraps/tzinus. meaning, they dont have to go on and on about the great time they had at xyz, if they know their friend CAN'T afford things like that. I am NOT implying your children do this! I would just have a conversation about it with them.

chocolate chips

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 9:50 am

You can offer to help her get deals like you or you can just ignore her you are under no obligation to reply to her in any way.
She was extremely rude!

That said perhaps tell your kids if they want to share new things they got or trips they went on with the family they should take it down a notch, not to boast because not everyone can have what we have and even though its wrong but they may get jealous.