Do you invite yourself for shabbos?

amother

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 1:17 pm

Dh and I differ greatly. (But as a side note, he is not so socially aware)

When single, he would invite himself over to places and claimed that's what others would do.

Well, I would NEVER invite myself anywhere and would always rather be alone than invite myself somewhere.

Anyway, recently I received an email from his friend's wife, saying that they'd like to see us, can they come for shabbos. This is not the first time this has happened. It's also a tad annoying, because they don't come for shabbos, they come for a day or so before and after. So dh responded, how about if we come to you?

WWYD?

amother

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 1:23 pm

I don't like to now that I'm married! I did so for 3 years when I was single and dorming, but now that I have a home of my own, I don't feel justified in doing so. BUT it happens that this week I am very busy with a paper, so I called a relative who I feel comfortable with and asked if we could come. They have always told us that if we ever want to come we should call, and they called as a few weeks ago to come but we had other plans. It was awkward, and I wont do it every week, but because I felt comfortable with them (they are family), I didn't mind doing so.

amother

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 1:44 pm

There is actually a couple that does this to us on a regular basis and it really bothers me. BUT, it bothers me for several specific reasons:

- They have NEVER invited us back, even though we have had them over several times now.
- They never bring anything, or offer to make anything. They are our ONLY guests who always come empty handed (in my community, it's the norm to bring something, even if it's small).
- They ask to come at bad times, like right before Pesach, which bothers me because I make all of Pesach at home, and they go away for all of Pesach.
- Their reason for asking to come is that the wife "doesn't have time to cook." Well, I don't have more time than she does - we both work and have kids. And this excuse always bothers me anyway, because to me, you saying you don't have time doesn't mean I should make time to cook for you.
- This is my husband's "friend" and he NEVER returns my husbands calls or texts unless he wants something. if my husband is calling him for whatever reason, he will never call him back.
- Their son is horrible at our house. He is mean to my son and they never do anything about it. They also depend on me to have everything for their children - like baby food, wipes, sippy cups, etc. I would never leave the house without everything I need for my child.

Having said all that, we have lots of guests and I have no problem with singles, or even a couple occasionally asking if they can come. It's this specific couple that bothers me. I wouldn't ask to come to someone unless we were visiting from out of town.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 1:48 pm

I think it depends on the circumstances.
When I was single and had made aliyah, I made sure to always be at a family for shabbat, not on my own, so I did invite myself, but it was always to someone I knew and either I was friedns/ly with or my parents were.

Now that I am married and have a home of my own, no I have never invited myself over, but OP, I guess there aer people who do that. We have had more than one couple invite themselves over to our house.

yo'ma

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 2:10 pm

I love when people invite themselves because otherwise we'd never have company. I don't like when they invite themselves over last minute though. When I was single it wasn't an issue because I lived with my parents, but since I've been married I more hinted about wanting to be invited over. I did once invite myself over to a friend when just me and my dd was home.

abound

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 2:13 pm

amother wrote:

They probably look at you like your superwoman and can do anythying and everything. She does not seem like a coper. Thank Hashem that you are not like that. But yes, it seems hard

amother

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 2:23 pm

I am the OP of this thread: http://imamother.com/forum/vie.....art=0 might give you some perspective on this question.

As a family we invited ourselves when we were overseas for medical treatment, to people who told us to.

Generally I enjoy having people call us, but mostly people without a home of their own or people who genuinely want to spend time with us, not people who just want a free meal.

Barbara

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 2:46 pm

amother wrote:

I suppose that if I needed to be somewhere, I might ask a friend if I could stay over, but that's my limit.

That said, I don't think that what your DH did was so bad. If they want to see you, let them invite you over.

tzfatisha

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 2:52 pm

as I understand it the etiquette in israel is to invite yourself...
sometimes friends invite me.. but usually I invite myself.. and if people can't they say 'no... sorry not this wk..' etc
they are usually quite happy I called to invite myself....
being british it took me quite a while to do this.. but it is very common practice here... at least in tzfat...
I also host when I can...
and then I phone people to invite them.. as I cant' do it every week or (at the moment at all)
I try to bring something.. sometimes I can't afford to..
(I am not having a pity party .. I'm just stating the facts)

farm

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 2:57 pm

I think your DH's reply was genius. They asked for an invite, so he turned it right back at them!
Although I find it awkward and hope to never have to be in a situation where I need an invitation, I will agree to host people who ask me if they can come without me initiating, unless it is not possible for me to accomodate. I do get really annoyed though, when a particularl friend of DH will bump into us wherever and say, "we would love to catch up with you! When are you going to have us over?"

amother

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 4:33 pm

Not usually. I did just invite my whole family to stay with a friend for shabbos because I need to stay in her community for a bar mitzvah. We have a close enough relationship that I feel okay about it. But I don't invite myself out for meals or to sleep just because I'm in the mood to go somewhere.

There was a couple that would call us constantly for us to host them for shabbos. I never really minded so long as I had enough notice until one day DH asked them why they never seem to stay home for Shabbos. (If they weren't staying by us, they were usually with some other friend of ours). The reply was that "staying home for Shabbos is lonely." DH then suggested they might want to invite people to their house some time. And to that the reply was, "but it's so much trouble to make shabbos and so much easier to be a guest." I was so put off by this we never hosted them again.

I guess the point is, it's probably fine when done with tact and not abused.

tamara00

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 6:02 pm

tzfatisha wrote:

being british it took me quite a while to do this..

This. I absolutely HATE when people invite themselves over and I would never do it either. I don't know whether it's the 'Brit' in me or because it's somehow ingrained in me from my mother (not that it was ever relevant but I feel as though it's something she'd hate too) but I absolutely loathe it. I realise I'm in a minority here but reading through this, I'm remembering people inviting themselves over and it just infuriates me!

And don't all go judging me - we DO have people over but I give a lot of notice and need to be in 'hostess' mode, which I will not be if someone invites themselves!!

mummiedearest

Thu, Apr 11 2013, 6:17 pm

I do occasionally invite myself to my mother's for shabbos if I'm not feeling well enough to cook, but she loves to host us. I would not invite myself to a non-family member. I wouldn't mind if others invited themselves to my house, though. I often tell people that I would love if they did. I enjoy hosting, but I've gotten out of the habit of remembering to invite people before friday afternoon (third kid's the charm). I really do want to host some people, but I have a mommy brain. if they invited themselves, I'd get to host them. no one around here is ok with asking, though.