Too close for comfort...(male co-worker)

Ima2NYM_LTR

Fri, May 24 2013, 5:24 pm

I have been at my job for two years and I love it. I have made many friends, both men and women. The guy in the cubicle next to my is a funny 'gentle giant' type of guy. Friendly, polite, respectful - and very, very tall.

Today, we were hashing out a last minute, very important, very expensive issue, and I had the file in question in front of me, ontop of a shelf. He was standing on my left, and had to point to something on the right side of the paper. Instead of reaching in front, he reached behind, essentially encircling me. He meant no harm by it and his body did not come in contact with mine (as he gestured his arm grazed mine a bit). There was nothing s*xual or inappropriate meant by it. He was like that for a minute or more as we were talking. I felt very uncomfortable and squirmed, both because of his proximity and size, but I know he never had any bad intent. I also didn't want to hurt his feelings. Later I spoke to the other co-worker who had been part of the discussion (also male) and he said it seemed a bit odd to him as well - again, not intentional, but awkward.

DH says don't worry about it unless it happens again. Part of me wants to remind him of the boundaries now, although I am wondering if he even realized what it would feel like to be trapped like that (since he is so tall, I doubt he has ever had the feeling) the other part wants to let it be. I dont want to hurt his feelings by implying he had a bad intent.

WWYD?

pesek zman

Fri, May 24 2013, 5:28 pm

I agree with your husband. As everyone's comfort is different, I'm not sure I see/understand exactly what your discomfort was (though I don't have to. Only you do) so perhaps my response is skewed. I'd continue to act as you do: nice, friendly, but not flirty. Keep your wedding ring on and put (or keep) a picture of you and your husband on your desk. That's what I'd do.

Kfar

Fri, May 24 2013, 5:33 pm

I agree with your DH. Also, a full minute is a long time to stand like that. If it happens again I would suggest immediately saying oh, excuse me, I am going to move over here so it is more convenient for us to talk, review, paper, whatever, and then step aside. This is a touchy situation b/c of workplace, but your instincts are telling you he has no bad intent, so unless that changes I would hesitate to start having a "boundaries" discussion. Years ago I worked with a (goofy) guy who had no sense of personal space with anyone. When he came to my office to discuss something, rather than stand behind the desk he would walk around, stand very close to me and show me whatever it was we were discussing. The first time it was totally unexpected and I did not really react and felt uncomfortable with that lack of space. The next time I was ready for him and quickly asked him to go back around the desk to talk. He practically ran and it never happened again. Good luck!

Mrs Bissli

Sun, May 26 2013, 3:39 am

I beg to differ with merrymom. Perception of personal space differs very greatly by individuals. (It's not just between different genders. An israeli girl I used to know in the synagogue would get too close to me for my comfort, and I always had to move a few steps behind at the kiddushim.)

But OP, ONLY YOU can dictate what's comfortable and what's uncomfortable to you, not imamothers or your DH. I would be rather firm though not defensive and set it out clear. Give him a benefit of doubt, assuming you both work in a professional setting. But if YOU feel uncomfortable, you have a duty to let him know that you value your personal space a bit more.

Merrymom

Sun, May 26 2013, 11:57 am

Mrs Bissli wrote:

Yes women feel that they can do that but men know better. I'm not buying it and I think the OP should be prepared for him to accelerate his behavior if she doesn't put a very firm stop to it right away.

Ima2NYM_LTR

Tue, May 28 2013, 10:06 am

Merrymom wrote:

Mrs Bissli wrote:

Merrymom,
I KNOW you are overreacting. Here is a guy m almost 2x my age in a happy relationship with his wife. He knows I am in a happy relationship with my husband. 1 time in 2 years, in the heat of a conversation which included other people he did something that made me uncomfortable. I can guarantee it was not intentional. This post was about my feelings, not his motives.

Ill tell you what- if he starts making passes at me, Ill let you know.

Merrymom

Tue, May 28 2013, 10:28 am

Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

Mrs Bissli wrote:

A man can be happily married and still have feelings of attraction for other women, even happily married ones. I've been in too many similar situations to write it off. He's probably testing the waters to see if you'll stop it or encourage it.

Merrymom

Tue, May 28 2013, 10:34 am

DrMom wrote:

octopus wrote:

or you can say (if it something like that happens again), "uhhh,, sorry, I need my space. I get a little claustrophobic at times."

This sounds reasonable.

MerryMom: I think you are overreacting.

Intelligent men don't suddenly become stupid. Adult men understand a woman't personal space and I refuse to pretend that men don't know exactly what they're doing when they invade it. How many women on public transportation and in other situations doubt themselves and say they must have imagined it, because they can't believe someone would do something like that. He can be a doll of a man, that doesn't change things.

Merrymom

Tue, May 28 2013, 12:54 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry I have to ask this . MM are you so devastatingly gorgeous and desirable that men are always hitting on you ???

I don't think I am anymore, or at the very least I kind of downplay any beauty I have by how I dress (very simple, barely any make up, hardly ever wear heels). However I can tell you that I WAS devastatingly gorgeous, yes. I couldn't walk down the street or go shopping without getting hit on ten times, since you asked.

Ima2NYM_LTR

Tue, May 28 2013, 1:08 pm

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

I'm sorry I have to ask this . MM are you so devastatingly gorgeous and desirable that men are always hitting on you ???

Well then I guess I don't have to worry about your issues. I am 5'4", very overweight and average/pretty but by no means beautiful.

Anyways- he would never be interested in a woman who wouldn't jump out of a plane with him. (He skydives -150+ times so far. I'm afraid of falling)

Merrymom

Tue, May 28 2013, 1:26 pm

You know I'm actually sorry that I took the bait and answered the question. This thread isn't about me but I'll leave my answer up there since amother can't delete her question and I responded because it came across as a put down. As if I couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about. In any case I don't think it matters whether someone is gorgeous, ordinary, or overweight. Every man has his type and I used to have a cleaning lady that I thought was hideously ugly when I first met her. After awhile she grew on me though and I couldn't imagine that I ever thought she was so ugly. I just think it's better safe than sorry, that's all. If you don't "own" your personal space by being very clear about it, then there are those that will tend to take advantage of your shyness about it.

tsiggelle

Tue, May 28 2013, 1:45 pm

Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

amother wrote:

I'm sorry I have to ask this . MM are you so devastatingly gorgeous and desirable that men are always hitting on you ???

Sorry to tell you, that doesn't mean a thing.

wifenmother

Tue, May 28 2013, 2:41 pm

OP - as others have indicated, I believe it's how YOU feel that counts here. If you feel that he violated your personal space even though it may have been unintentional, and you are giving him the benefit of the doubt, it is still your responsiblity to comment so that it doesn't happen again; even unintentionally. You obviously felt so uncomfortable, that you commented about it on imamother in addition to discussing it with your husband. Personally, I'd probably email him and let him know how uncomfortable he made you feel while simultanesouly assuring him that you are certain it wasn't intentional. That would just serve to reinforce boundaries without hurting anyone.