7 half yr old son very sensitive

amother

Sat, Jun 01 2013, 11:47 pm

My almost 8 year old son is verrry sensitive. He'll cry over every little shtuss. Almost every other day he'll come back home after riding his bike with the neighbors earlier than I told him to because he was in another fight with a boy. Mind you these fights are not physical fights or verbal fights. A boy says something and automatically this means a fight. DH and I have been explaining over and over again giving him different examples of what a fight means and that what he thinks is a fight is in fact not a fight at all (have I lost you yet? Tongue Out

) It's coming to a point where DH is embarrassed to take him to shul with him because yet again he hears Mr.________ your son is crying again.
FTR, up until I would say about half a year ago my lovely sonny boy would actually not cry at all. I was wondering about it and when I asked him he told me that boys don't cry and he holds himself in with a lot of koyich not to cry. I told him that it's ok for boys to cry but only in certain situations, not all the time because then a person will turn sour and have crying eyes all the time. And that in fact it's healthy for the eyes to shed a few tears here and there and ever since then he cries for every little thing. What did I do wrong? Any words of wisdom how to get him to stop crying over shtissum? Does he need professional help?

granolamom

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 12:06 am

The crying means his feelings have been hurt. Shtuss to you, but to him something big has taken place. Ignore the fact that he is crying and give him other tools to express himself or even better try to help him learn to stand up for himself. Tell the other kid 'that was mean!' or whatever, and walk away. Doesn't matter if it fits your definition of "fight" or not, he's upset. Although gently pointing out that perhaps the other child did not mean it in a hurtful way (AFTER your ds feels heard by you) is a good thing to do as well. Hatzlocho, I have sensitive kids too, it can be frustrating (mine don't go to shul regularly for that reason, if they can't sit with dh, they don't go)

amother

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 12:15 am

granolamom wrote:

op here:

yup! told him all that you wrote. I guess DH and I will just have to keep repeating it and hopefully he'll grow out of it soon!
thanks!

Fox

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 1:40 pm

I would second 5*Mom's suggestion!

However, I am curious as to whether your son shows other signs of hypersensitivity. For example, does he startle easily, especially when asleep? Does he respond with a stronger-than-average reaction to stories or other entertainment?

If not, it may be worthwhile considering that the crying behavior is being reinforced. Unfortunately, I see this a great deal in many of our schools (although generally girls' schools). The child who cries is immediately soothed, comforted, and is often accommodated -- thus, he/she finds that crying "works" to gain attention or change the outcome of an interaction.

Even with genuinely hypersensitive children, it's important not to let legitimate crying develop into a manipulative tool.

If you determine that your son is hypersensitive, you will need to walk a fine line between being sympathetic and being too moved by tears. I'll add that hypersensitive boys, in particular, often benefit from some sort of counseling or social skills coaching. In general, boys are much "rougher" in their verbal sparring, and hypersensitive boys often need some help both interpreting their peers' behavior as well as finding a way to fit into the group successfully.

ElTam

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 7:07 pm

I would also wonder what his school situation is. Is he happy in school? Does he have friends?

My very sensitive easy to cry child turned into a different person when we moved her out of a school where she was being bullied.

granolamom

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 7:19 pm

very true, Fox. One of my kids was doing the crying thing to get attention from teachers (not just for attention's sake but rather than speak up assertively he found it easier to cry) and to change the interaction in the group of kids. it took a long time to untangle that one. it doesnt help when teachers insist 'nothing is going on' and ignore the quieter kids unless they are actually in tears. my son would sometimes voice complaint and the teacher would ignore him or tell him they would do something about it 'later', stuff like that. the next year the crying disappeared, maybe maturity, maybe my awesome parenting LOL

but I think it was just a more sensitive teacher who took the time to listen to him and supervise the rougher kids during recess.

at home, I tend to ignore the crying, and just ask 'are you trying to tell me something' or something along those lines. telling a crying child to stop crying never worked for me.

amother

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 9:53 pm

OP here:

thanks everyone for the replies! as far as I know, from what I heard at PTA and from what I hear from DS about cheder, B"H he's doing alright. He has friends, his rebbe has no complaints about him whatsoever and he has no complaints about the rebbe either. I'm thinking along the lines that maybe he's just plain sensitive. As a baby he used to cry for no good reason when I took care of him and when someone else was holding him he was fine. The dr told me that this is his temperament and I'll only see it later on. That's very true because now I've been seeing it, he knows which of my buttons to push to get me aggravated and I'm working really hard not to fall into this trap. I did mention to the doc at his last well visit that he holds himself in from crying a lot. He told me he can tell that DS is that type of boy. I guess he's very tempermental.
I'm gonna try to get a hold of that book.
Thanks again everyone!

amother

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 10:01 pm

OP here:
I forgot to mention in the original post that I also realized that he can't sit still for a minute. Shabbos by every meal, suppertime, he's always standing with one foot on the chair and one foot on the floor. I'm always telling him to stop for a second and eat slow and sit nicely. So maybe he's not the over sensitive child, just plain hyperactive and sensitive at the same time. I'm trying to limit sugar and colored foods at home. no more soda here, water, seltzer, grape juice for shabbos and orange juice watered down.
I see he always needs to somehow get his energy out, but that's the typical boy. So he is plain a sensitive child.

granolamom

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 10:10 pm

is he your oldest? is it possible your expectations of him are a bit high? high strung and/or sensitive kids can get really stressed by feeling that from a parent and that just makes them more high strung or sensitive.

sensitivity is a great quality. it enables one to really relate well to others, to get into the other person's shoes, to figure out what people need and how to help them in the best way. think about the advantage a sensitive teacher has with a struggling student, or how advantageous it is to have a sensitive rav when dealing with touchy subjects. or a sensitive doctor.
like every quality, it needs to be used properly. your little boy has a gift, he just has to learn how to handle it. he's still little and learning about himself and the world. it will come, and I bet he will make you very proud one day.

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:50 am

OP here:

he's the middle child, that might also explain a little about how he acts and reacts to people and situations. Granolamom, you put it down the best! I always keep on telling DH I wonder who this one will be when he grows up. You hit the nail on the head with him, he has a heart of gold!!

Thanks everyone for your replies!