At what age is correct to tell dd bout periods and how?

amother

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 10:09 pm

My mom never warned me bout periods. I had a huge fright when I got it first time and was sure my life was ending. I cannot see my dd going thru the same especially since she's very sensitive and makes a BIG deal of all little things. So when is the right time to let her know and how do I tell her. She currently just turned 10.

amother

Sun, Jun 02 2013, 10:30 pm

There are nice books to help with this daunting task. The wonder of becoming you, talking to your children about intimacy- I'm sure there are others. Instead of delegating it to s/o else, maybe ask for help from a savvy friend or professional, create a script, and tell your daughter that you want to share something important with her, but you're kind of nervous bc you're not entirely sure how, but you are going to try your best, and you welcome her questions, and will try your best to answer and explain whatever you can. Try to keep it positive and healthy, practical and honest. "It's a big bracha when a body develops healthily" "the blood is not dangerous, but there may be a lot and it lasts a few days, around once a month" "some cramps and discomfort are normal- not a cause for alarm" "here's how to use pads; keep a couple in your knapsack just in case" "your chest will start to grow- I bought you a training bra, if you'd like to try it" "on those days, it's good to wear dark colors" Then even if you end up reading off a prepared script, she will understand that it's because you care enough to plan this discussion well. If she asks something youre unsure of how to answer, just say that's a good/fair question, and you'd like to take a little time to think about how to answer, or find out a good answer for her. Try to smile and tell you how proud you are to see her becoming a woman. If she's bright and curious, you can even explain about the body producing eggs and shedding them with the uterine lining- biologically- no need to get into the birds and bees yet, unless she asks. Hope that helps- don't worry- you'll be great! Good luck:)

mummy-bh

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 12:59 am

momX4 wrote:

There is a great book out there. Don't remember the name.

The Wonder of Becoming You
http://www.feldheim.com/the-wo......html
Rather than just giving her the book, read it together.

You can introduce the topic along these lines:
"I noticed that you are growing up! So exciting! I bought us a new book to share about when girls grow up. Want to read it together tomorrow?"

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 2:33 am

amother wrote:

I'm so nervous to tell her. Not sure how to do it, not sure she's mature enough to understand. She'll bombard me with tons of questions. Are there licensed ladies who do this (like Kalla teachers)?

No wonder your dd is sensitive and makes a big deal of everything. You are making a big deal of it. A kalla teacher to teach about periods?
Tell her nonchalantly, don't make a big deal of it, and neither will she.

June

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 2:40 am

When my mom told me, she explained the whole biological process of the egg (she didn't cover how it got fertilized, and it didn't occur to me to ask). I think it's great she did, because I never learned it in school, and my kallah teacher didn't cover it either.
Also, she took me out for lunch on a school day after the first time I got my period, in honor of me becoming a woman.

carpediem

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 4:13 am

I would say just bite the bullet and do it. If you show her you're hesitant or nervous shell get the message that it's something to be ashamed of, and at that age she's no doubt already self conscious.
Another thing is dont only tell her the biological parts, also teach her the hygenic parts. As a teenager I was a counselor for 13-14 y.o girls in a sleepaway camp & I was shocked how many of them would leave pads (used) lying open in the garbage... Or the wrappers scattered. They simply were never made aware. Tell your dd how to properly dispose of them and keep herself clean.
Oh and not to try to flush pads down the toilet- you'd be surprised Smile

cpa613

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 7:25 am

I have a beautiful book called "The Wonder of Becoming You - How a Jewish Girl Grows Up" written by Dr. Miriam Grossman. It explains menstruation/puberty in an age appropriate way. I've read this book together with my daughters, usually when they're somewhere between 10-11. It does not deal with the details of how a woman gets pregnant which is fine for that age.

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 8:47 am

Not the OP, but in the same situation. My DD is almost 9, and she is clearly developing already. I'm trying to push it off for as long as I can, cuz she is sooooooo immature! Another problem is, that I think she'll share everything we talk about with her sister a year younger than her............

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 9:02 am

Think of it this way- either they hear it from you in a respectful, honest, healthy way, or they hear it on the schoolbus, or camp, etc in the form of dirty jokes and half truths. Even if you do an imperfect job, it's better than the alternative. This is not a one shot deal; you can and should continue to discuss this from time to time as diff aspects come up- technical, physical, emotional. I wouldn't worry ab a younger sib finding out; that happens a lot- the oldest is the most sheltered. Again- better from your home than somewhere else.

Rutabaga

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 9:46 am

I got my period young, when I was 9. It was the year before we had "the talk" in school, and I was terrified. I really thought something was wrong with me. I wish my mother had discussed it with me beforehand, because I was somewhat traumatized and resistant to a lot of the next steps in puberty. My mother had to practically force me to wear a bra.

I promised myself that if and when I had a daughter I would begin such discussions early so that it won't be a big deal when the time comes. I want my daughter to be comfortable talking about anything and everything with me.

OP, please talk to your daughter yourself, and soon. If you try to get someone else to talk to her instead of you, then you will be sending your daughter the message that she can't talk to you about this stuff. Would you really rather she get all her information elsewhere?

fromthedepths

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:36 am

It's not an age thing. Every girl is different. Depends on her maturity level. It usually takes about two years from the time a girl begins to develop breasts till she gets her first period. So you have two years to slowly introduce her to the concept. You don't have to mention blood right away. You can talk to her about growing up, about eventually wearing a bra, and so on. Make it very positive, and show her how excited you are about her becoming a young woman. You can also give her more responsibilities, to show that you trust her.

But, IMHO, the first thing you need to do is talk to yourself. You need to process your negative experience, so that you can move on. You can write about it, if that's something that speaks to you, or talk it over with a friend, or just with yourself when no one is around. You can empathize with the young girl that you were who got her first period without knowing what it was, and how scary it was for you at the time. IY"H eventually, once you process what happened, you won't have any negative associations with puberty. That's very important when talking to your daughter. That, and siyata dishmaya.

Good luck!

yersp

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:58 am

Have you started noticing any body changes? With my daughter who just turned 9 I noticed she started having underarm odor. I had a small talk with her that her body is starting to change, she's going to be a big girl now which is why she'll need to start using deoderant like I do and like all the adults do. She seemed a bit scared but I just keep on reassuring her that this is all normal. I also noticed she's starting to develop by her chest, very slightly. I've also told her that if she notices any hair growing in places where she has no hair like by her underarms she should tell me and the most important thing of all: if she has any questions, observations anything at all she should please come talk to me about it because although girls think they know everything, they don't and they can tell her something that's not true.
I remember in school the girls trying to figure out who was up to where and I wasn't prepared for it. I kept quiet but had a million and one questions so I told DD that if and when her classmates start discussing anything pertaining to the body no matter what she should NOT be a part of the conversation and if anyone tries to include her she should say: I'm sorry but it's not tznius to discuss these topics.

greenfire

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:50 am

you should have told her 2 years ago - age 8 is when one can first begin to menstruate ... not omg you're gonna bleed ... but in a simple matter of fact way ... our bodies have eggs, once a month they shed & then some blood comes out ... this all helps us have babies when we grow up & get married

show her tampons & pads & give her some things in a little 'kit' that you make for her - including a nice book on the subject [yeah the wonder of becoming you can work]

ElTam

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 12:06 pm

Quote:

Dear cowardly amother. Maybe you should make a bigger deal out of ona'as devarim, that and being a Sneaky Sneakerstein. If you had stuck with your last sentence, it might have been a helpful post, although overly broad, since you don't know the OP's daughter and you haven't the first clue of how she reacts to anything. But whatevs. You got nine likes already for being snarky and unhelpful. Gosh, that must feel good.