The Poorest Family in a Rich Neighborhood - WWYD?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 1:37 pm

My family is relocating. The frum area closest to my DH's job is very wealthy. It would mean a very short (like 10 to 15 minute commute) for my DH and therefore we are considering it. But we would be the poorest family with the smallest, shabbiest, run down house, which we would have overpaid for and wouldn't be able to fix up for a while.

I am concerned that I am setting my children up for a bad experience. My oldest son already has social issues and problems making friends. What do we do when we can't afford the latest gadgets or Pesach in a hotel. I am afraid that being the poorest in the neighborhood is probably a recipe for jealousy, being social outcasts, and unhappiness.

Would you move to an area where you would be the poorest family? What would you do?

notshanarishona

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 1:42 pm

I wouldn't if there was a better suitable option. If there is no other frum community any where nearby, then if you don't have a choice what can you do. I think you are setting up your children for a lifetime of jealously, peer pressure, and not fitting in.

causemommysaid

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 1:44 pm

no way. wouldn't do it.

Fox

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 1:51 pm

I'd avoid it if at all possible, especially if the values or standards of this community are not necessarily the ones you want to impart to your children. Not only will they feel out of step with their peers, but the influence of the surrounding culture (which is often discounted by wishful parents but has proven by many researchers to be immense) will certainly influence their goals, choices, and expectations.

intrigued

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 1:55 pm

I wouldn't.

yiddishekup

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 1:56 pm

No.

little_mage

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 2:00 pm

Ironically, this was just published yesterday: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.....town/

Several of the comments have people talking about their own experiences. It might be worth taking a look for some ideas and thoughts.

happybeingamom

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 2:14 pm

No Way!

The peer pressure, the bullying, jealousy.

This is torture for kids and teens.

It will also make your life difficult because you will have to keep explaining to the kids why they can't have it.

Chayalle

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 2:29 pm

I wouldn't if the house is rundown, shabby, etc...

If it was just a smaller house, but nice and adequate for my family's needs, I wouldn't care if I was not as well-off as others in the neighborhood, so long as I could feel good about myself. In fact, I live in a neighborhood where there are lots of families that are from wealthy homes, and some of them are the nicest people. They may have some fancier stuf....But my house is nice and good for me, and I am confident and happy in my place.

One of my best friends in high school lived in a regular-sized but nice home on a block of gorgeous mansions. We called her house "the ant on the corner". It wasn't a problem.

OP could you find something nice, if not as fancy as other homes in the neighborhood? Any such options?

amother

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 2:54 pm

while I do see what all posters are saying. realize she already bought the house. so she may as well do the best she can . and if you go in with such an attitude like I am the poorest. your children will feell it also. and that takes away from their confidence. also who says your house is the shabbiest. thats your perspective not everyone would say so. dont compare to others look at what you have many pp would love to buy a house and cant afford it. who says you need to be as fancy as eeveryone else. hashem didnt create the world were everyone is equeal. thats communism. we dont believe in that. and also I have an attitude of. my house is the nicest. no mater what I have. and I tell that to mys son all the time. fake it till you make it. its something anyone can do. go in with an attitude of positivity. it will take you far. children will learn alot when they see this. cause it isnt always they way we want it. in life thats a great lesson bec they wont have what they want always. now is the best chance. sorry for being harsh its the reality. I struggle with this and I learn everyday to overcome it. its definitely not easy. good luck and as far as teenagers I think if you listen and listen to them and empathize with their situation thats the biggest gift you can give them more then money bec money comes and goes. its definitely much harder whtih them. been there done that. hang on tight those days will be past you sooner then you think.

amother

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 3:17 pm

amother wrote:

Read it again the OP states they are considering it not that they bought a house. That changes everything.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 3:21 pm

I vote no.

Jewishmofm

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 3:26 pm

I'm with amother above. We have been living just outside (think a block or two) of beverly hills, and we are in a house that can be nicely termed a dump. And . . . .I overheard my 8 year old showing off to her friend from across the border how rich we are! (I told her off later for the showing off, but that's not my point here) my kids know that we are rich - we have all the necessities of life, and money to continue paying for them. it's an attitude thing. I guess it helps that our idea of necessity is very firmly established. So is our idea of "if they have extra money to spend, they can choose what to do with it. we choose to use our extra money this way" and I point out some luxury we do have. it doesn't matter that they have half a million extra and I have 10 dollars discretionary- we know who we are and what's important for us to have.

naturalmom5

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 3:26 pm

No NO NO NO NO NO NO

MOVE INTO A TRAILER PARK WITH WHITE ** .
It's a lot less dangerous long term
BTDT

morah

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 3:32 pm

What is the community like? Are they a showy, materialistic, keep-up-joneses culture? Or are they friendly, baalei chesed, tasteful, good middos and values? I had a friend growing up who was super rich, think private jet etc, and I didn't even know the family had money until we were in high school, because they were very low key people. I had another friend whose dad was a lawyer- definitely not poor, but not really rich compared to the jet set- and she was super jappy, obsessed with nreand names etc. If they're a good crowd, you can make it work. If not, then look elsewhere.

Shana_H

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 5:57 pm

I was raised as the poorest kid on the block, and I can tell you it wasn't fun! My Husband would never consider us living outside of our means to save himself commute time, rather live farther away from work in a neighbourhood we can affoard than to be streached so thin that we snap!

amother

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 7:12 pm

I am not saying dont move there but I live in a community where we are the poorest and have the shabbiest house with no lawn care and broken windows shutters that fell off and cant be replaced ect. also my kids just watch the other kids get great toys which they cant have their friends go on vacation every summer and to camp and my kids cant do that. Their friends are always going out to eat and my kids are always making excuses why they cant join so they dont have to say that we dont have the money.
Yes it hurts and my kids every so often say something about it but I daven that it will make them stonger adults.

amother

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 7:17 pm

amother wrote:

OP here - do you mind me asking why you live there and why you do not move? This is exactly what I am concerned about.

Mimisinger

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 7:22 pm

Definitely not if that's how it really is. Depending on the area of course. Some areas do have really wealthy in one part and much less so in other areas. Maybe say which town? Good luck

Petra

Tue, Jul 09 2013, 8:30 pm

No. Wouldnt do it.

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