Feeling like a horrible mother :(

amother

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 9:02 am

I just had a d&c yesterday, I am an emotional (and hormonal) wreck but it's still no excuse. This morning my 7 yo was driving me crazy, was taking forever to get ready, and then right when his carpool came he couldn't find his shoes. I totally lost it and ended up yelling at him, told him to put on sandals and pushed him out of the house. Now I feel so terrible - I wish I could hug him and apologize. Now he is in school until this afternoon and I am sitting here feeling absolutelly horrible . I am feeling that maybe that's why Hashem took away this baby - because I can't seem to manage with the kids I do have.....could use any chizzuk right now.. Crying

vintagebknyc

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 9:06 am

but it *is* an excuse (being emotional and hormonal) because you're postpartum--any normal upset is now magnified 400 times.

hashem doesn't punish us this way.

what nice thing can you do for him today to apologize? and what nice thing can you do for YOURSELF?

amother

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 9:09 am

HUGS

You said it yourself.... You are emotional and hormonal. I have gone through a d&c too and I felt awful afterwards... The dramatically fluctuating hormones can really mess you up. You are not being a terrible mother. Take the time while your child is in school to try to rest a bit and stop feeling guilty. Try to get some help for the next few days during stressful times if your dh cannot be around. I know just how you are feeling... Hug

lk1234

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 10:54 am

I am so sorry that you had to go through a d/c

just to put it in perspective
If you are every single day pushing your child out the door and yelling at him then yes, you are not being a good mother, and I know mothers like this and that is really sad. But if once in a blue moon because of a clearly difficult situation you lose it with your child and scream, yell, patch, are mean etc. to him I'm telling you that there will be no long term damage at all. Of course, it's natural to feel badly afterwards but think of all the days that you send him to school happily and sweetly. Think of all the good things you've done for your child even if it wasn't recently but say a couple of weeks ago. And think about all the good things you will do.

There's no long term damage in the once or twice a month yelling mommy. That's normal. You would only be considered a horrible mother in my books if every day, you are negative, critical, yelling, abusive AND you don't try to work on yourself.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Aug 30 2013, 2:45 pm

When I lose it, I try to salvage the situation by turning it into a learning moment. I take the opportunity to model apologetic behavior to my DD.

I tell her what I did wrong, why it was wrong, and how I would like to handle it better next time. I explain some things she could do to help, and then give a short apology. I don't make a tzimmes out of it, but just show her the proper way to take responsibility for my actions.

"Shmuely, I shouldn't have yelled at you this morning. I don't like yelling, and next time I feel frustrated I hope I can stop and talk nicer. It would be helpful to Mommy if you could keep your shoes where they belong, so we don't have a crabby morning. I'm sorry I got mad. {{{ big hug }}}"

Then drop the subject and get on with life. Kids don't hold grudges the way adults do. Chances are, he's already forgotten the incident. Still, it's very valuable for him to know how to recognize when he makes a mistake, and how to fix it, and most importantly - that the world doesn't end!

I agree with the above posters, G-d does not punish us like that. We don't know the reason why things happen the way they do. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please take extra care of yourself.

Hug