Who is more of a priority - husb. or children?

cassandra

Sat, Feb 23 2008, 5:34 pm

My children take priority because they have more immediate needs that can't be ignored.

But if you would have phrased it like this: "Who do you love more?" I am not embarrassed to say it is my husband. He is my partner and my soul mate, and we are to each other something way beyond that which can be achieved in mother-child relationship.

happymom

Sat, Feb 23 2008, 7:27 pm

Quote:

She spends her time cooking cleaning and whatever else, and then when the husband comes home, she's too tired for him.

If one wants a good marriage, and shalom bayis it is very important to sometimes find extra energy to NOT be too tired for her husband. ( especially when he just walks into the door from work.) that can be diff for every mother (for some it might mean getting extra help, for others it might be taking a nap while thier baby naps... who knows but to always be too tired for a spouse isnt a good thing)

Quote:

and how about a wife being number one in the dh life?

of course. I meant both

Akeres Habayis

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 1:17 am

I agree w/lubavitchleah.everyone has seen my opinions about family. I believe children come first,but not to neglect dh.
I think my dh appreciates me more that my children are happy,and well taken care of,its a reflection of him?(my own thought).
I keep in mind,children are a gift from Hashem,he loaned me this special neshomah to take care of,and I take that responsibility seriously. I couldnt imagine that my dh would be comfortable that I fed him before the children. he needs attention from me,but I know that I have to plan the day where noone "suffers". I think a dh that is demanding for attention or want something from the wife at the expense of the children's needs...doesn't say much about the dh,except he might me selfcentered Confused

.
I think as mothers,wives we try and balance so no one is neglected,that is the goal Tongue Out

HindaRochel

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 1:34 am

But it is the kids who'll choose the nursing home Wink

Really, isn't it a that depends?

A child comes first in terms of caretaking because the adult can take care of themselves, normally. And I'd rescue my kids over my dh...mainly because I would hope he would do the same.

But respect for each other is different. Parents shouldn't demean each other or take the child's side against each other. They should support each other. They should help each other in day to day life.

happymom

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 6:06 am

akeres habayis I dont think we are talking about the kids loosing out, but more making the husband feel like priority. I dont think it says anything self centered about the husband if they want to be the most important in thier wifes eyes, its how hashem created them. most husbands wouldnt say anything about it cuz it might sound silly but ti really isnt,. how easy is it to just make a plate for husband first, so that he can feel really speacial....

willow

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 9:38 am

I learned a beautiful thing in a shuir. The lecturer said "you and your child have a very special bond. You carried them in your womb, nursed them, raised them and were there through everything. Eventually G-d willing you will walk them down to the chuppah and give them to someone else. Your husband and you are one soul. You were divided and send down as husband and wife. Unlike your child with whom you will always share a connection (but not a neshemah) the end of your days you are not left with your children, with whom you deeply connected but only with your husband with whom you actually share the same neshamah."
"Sometimes people forget why they get married. Our children become the focus of our lives and our husbands the Shamash. We have to remember to always keep a part of ourselves for this special relationship because they will be with us the longest."

Ruchel

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 9:40 am

agree with all this, except you never give a child c'v! unless you actually have it adopted, it's always your child. A spouse and a parent are totally in different categories. If everyone understood it, there would be much more peace in families I think...

willow

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 9:48 am

Ruchel wrote:

Ruchel I don't understand what you wrote

Ruchel

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 9:51 am

I don't know how to say.

I said I agree with everything but " give them to someone else" unless you have them adopted in another family. Because a spouse is a spouse and a parent is a parent. And if people knew it, there would be less jealousy and problems between mil/dil, fil/sil, mil/sil, fil/dil...

Akeres Habayis

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 9:57 am

I agree w/u happymom,its the dh's that do say something.there has to be a balance.
I guess I have a hard time with the question posted,why does it have to be one or the other?the examples/comments some of the ladies are making are valid.I think we are all pretty much saying the same thing.

happymom

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 10:48 am

Quote:

I agree w/u happymom,its the dh's that do say something

I think that when a man or woman (anyone for that matter) can be oopen about what they feel with the ones they love, its amazing, and if the one being spoken to can take it to heart and listen, and try to make the other spouse happy (or whatever relationship it is... same with kids) and thier needs met to the best of thier ability, then thats amazing!

I personally would rather my husband tell me how he feels, even if its something negative, because then I can work on it firstly and second, there are no resentments inside....

but yea, we all pronb agree. husbands are imp, kids are important, and as long as we respect our husbands and make them feel they are #1 in our lives, and we emotionally and physically give our kids what they need in order to be happy and well adjusted people, then its good.....

mimivan

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 4:26 pm

I don't think anyone is talking about letting babies go hungry chas v'shalom...it is just that I learned in a shalom bayis class recently that men often do not feel like they have a real place in the home. They come home from work and collel, the kids are running around, the mother is harried, and there doesn't seem to have been any preparation for his arrival...he might as well have been the postman.

I am saying this because I am realizing it in my own life and am making steps to change. Involving the kids in preparing for Abba's arrival (I.e. lets put the toys away together, Mendy, could rock the baby while I heat up Abba's soup...Chava, let's clear the table so Abba has a clean space to eat), or even telling the kids to wait just five minutes so dh feels like his arrival is prepared for and welcome can make a big difference in shalom bayis..

The woman who gave the class was a counselor and she said one of the reasons many men stay out so long is they feel do not feel relevant when they do come home.

amother

Sun, Feb 24 2008, 4:48 pm

I agree. its so important to make our homes a place our husbands feel they WANT to come home to. otherwise unfortunately some husbands stay out as long as possible because they dont like what happens and how they are made to feel at home.

Ruchel

Mon, Feb 25 2008, 4:33 am

Just like we would hate being second after the kids, the husbands probably hate it too. We dfinitely need to help the kids more, as they can't cook, need to be fed, changed (babies)... but the priority should be the couple, or we'll have the empty nest problem when we're old.