My son wants to be a girl

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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amother

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 1:22 pm

What do I do about this? This comes up every day. I don't know what to do. He wants to wear pink, he wants girl stuff, he just says he wants to be a girl. Any kind of game, he wants to be the mom or the girl. I'm fed up and freaked out! Help! He's five.

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 1:29 pm

There's basically two options:

1) He's too little to know what he really wants and (read all of the other threads on this) just wants to wear the fancy makeup, have special time with mommy, wear prettier clothes, etc. and he'll change.

2) He really wants to be a girl and it will continue and there's nothing you can do.

It's a hard place to be but unfortunately there's nothing you can do either way. The one thing you can do is make sure he's loved and support him and IYH he'll grow to love being a boy.

Btw, I wanted to be a boy because I wanted to be like my older brother. I even wanted to be able to pee standing up because I hated sitting on public seats. I got over it Tongue Out

My son wanted to put on makeup when he was younger because he would watch me doing it. So, I would get my blush brush and be silly and wipe it on his face. He's older and wouldn't ever want that.

Good luck!

yksraya

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 1:30 pm

Does he have sisters whom he wants to be like? Does he have girls in his class? Maybe he is jealous at one of them and has peer pressure etc.

imasinger

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 1:33 pm

My uncle said of his little boy, when his father freaked out about him carrying his mom's purse and wanting to try out her makeup, "you can let him do this now, or you can repress him and see what he does when he is 22." (P.S. he is happily married, has 2 kids, and has no thoughts of cross dressing).

Leave him alone. He'll grow out of it. Other kids will provide social pressure soon enough. Tell him that you are so impressed with his imagination. (I went so far as to buy my DS some pink Izod shirts when he was in that phase. He happily prefers blue now.)

Geee

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 1:46 pm

Read this great article:
http://m.theatlantic.com/healt.....5B%5D

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 1:51 pm

My husband claims he loved to play with makeup and dress-up clothes when he was a young kid. I am married to him today and he is as masculine as ever - loves playing soccer, crazy into car models, loves talking Rebbish politics, etc. He also likes fashionable things and takes an interest in the clothes and accessories I buy. That's all. He is in no way disturbed.

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 2:05 pm

Op here

You have all given me real comfort, thank you.
He has no sisters, only brothers. He's in a mixed gan though.

So what should I say when he says he wants to be the mom, or a girl? (He asks me, usually!) I'm sure he feels my tension when he says stuff like that, which is probably not helping. But what should I say? Laugh? Say ok, go ahead? It also bothers his older brother (7), who always says, you're not a girl! and similar, but he likely picked that up from me!

So what do I do?

Barbara

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 2:06 pm

Geee wrote:

Read this great article:
http://m.theatlantic.com/healt.....5B%5D

WOW. Now "that's" what I call a father!

But OP, the fact is that lots of boys want to wear pink and play with so-called "girl toys" (whatever that means). Its part of learning about who they are and trying out different roles.

So let him. Let him wear a pink tee shirt or polo shirt (pink is a hot color for boys these days, BTW), or even a pink tutu if he wants to feel what its like to twirl. Let him play with your makeup and play with dolls or whatever it is that he wants. And chances are that, after a short while, he'll find a new role that he wants to take on.

If not, he is who Hashem made him. Hashem doesn't make mistakes.

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 2:08 pm

Geee wrote:

Read this great article:
http://m.theatlantic.com/healt.....5B%5D

Op

I feel like this is really nice and sweet for those... Who are not religious Jews. Does anyone agree?

Mimisinger

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 2:14 pm

Why not ask why he wants to be a mom? Then you'll get a little more insight into what he's thinking.

Maybe he wants to be the boss, maybe he wants to stay up late. Maybe he wants to wear softer clothing or have longer hair. Ask him why.

carpediem

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 2:14 pm

When my sister was little she wanted to be boy. She would climb trees, play with trucks and even wore a yarmulka a few times (until my mother saw and yanked it off;) ). And guess what? A few years later she wouldn't be caught dead doing any of that stuff.
Give it time, he'll grow outta it Smile

PAMOM

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 2:45 pm

I have a 3-part answer:

Yes, ask him why he wants to be a girl or a mom. There may be a lot of things you can do to satisfy what he really wants ( which may have nothing to do with gender) as another poster noted. Dies he want to cook? Fine. Feed a baby? Fine. Even get a manicure-- man version ( shaping, buffing, no polish and very indulgent- feeling).
See him as he is-- I know you're concerned about his life being difficult but you can't let him feel you disapprove of him. You're his mother--you can do this!
I used to tell my dc that as long as they were alive, we could deal with anything together. C"v, you don't want him to despair of himself or feel so unloved that he's self-destructive as he gets older in the unlikely event that his attitude doesn't change.
However, in almost every case, this is a stage and everyone is giving you good advice.

sequoia

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 4:55 pm

amother wrote:

Geee wrote:

Read this great article:
http://m.theatlantic.com/healt.....5B%5D

Op

I feel like this is really nice and sweet for those... Who are not religious Jews. Does anyone agree?

I disagree. Religious Jews can also think about their child's welfare first and foremost.

mummiedearest

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 5:08 pm

not only do I take no issue with my son being the mommy, I tie my tichels on his head so they look artistic. he's playing. he's using his imagination. and he's totally imitating me. just relax and let him pretend. then pay attention. does he suddenly become a mini-you or mini- morah? if so, take it as a compliment Smile

if not, put it down to creativity. you don't have to freak out.

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 5:12 pm

I know you're freaking out, but honestly try not to worry yet. s-xual orientation is not yet formed by the age of five! So while I understand your anxiety, it is premature. As a preschooler, my son also liked "girly" things. I too worried for him, not because I have any issues with it, but because if he really were gay or transgender, life would be so much harder. But you know what, while my son is not as wild as other boys his age, he is not at all effeminate anymore. He likes to draw and cook and read, but he also like sports. He doesn't ask for "girly" toys or clothing anymore.

In hindsight, I realize I wasted a lot of energy worrying for nothing. Of course he liked feminine things! First of all most things that considered feminine are not inherently feminine, they are just subject to an arbitrary societally imposed standard. Why are pink and purple girly colors? What makes blue a masculine color really? Of course young boys prefer girls clothing, it's so much more interesting and colorful than the drab stuff in the boy's corner of the store!
And girls have so many more fun accessories. Nail polish, makeup, jewelry, scarves, pocketbooks. What do boys have? Just caps and ties. There's really no contest.
And boys play with dolls all the time, the marketing folks just named them "action figures" instead of "dolls." But boys have a nurturing side too, why shouldn't they play with regular dolls? Why discourage that?

Sorry for rambling. My point is, don't worry. Your son will probably notice the behavior and clothing choices of other little boys soon enough, and he will most likely conform on his own. And then you'll be relieved, and if you're anything like me a little bit sad, actually.

(Anonymous only to protect my son's identity.)

amother

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 5:12 pm

imasinger

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 5:19 pm

Oh, Doolllieeee, where are you?

No thread like this would be complete without your standard advice for a mom to treat her sons like little men, and not have them help in the kitchen or any of that girly stuff, and where's the father to set a proper role model and teach the boys to be like him, anyway? There's no ruckus here. Yet. :p. Smile

OP, IMO, when he asks to be a mommy, you say (in a deep voice), "OK, I'll be the daddy." Join him in his world, and relax. If he was pretending to be a dinosaur, would you tell him, "You can't do that, you're a human."?

greenfire

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 5:26 pm

I wouldn't worry - he'll grow up to be a sensitive guy ... the kind every girl wants to marry

it's okay to be in touch with his feminine side

Mommy3.5

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 6:13 pm

My son had all brothers, when he went to playgroup he was facinated by all things girls. I never heard him talk about boys, only girls. he didn't even play with the boys. Girls were interesting because there weren't any at home. At 5 a kid doesnt see gender as an issue yet. while I would not run out and buy my son a princess costume and high heels, but I also dont freak out if he chooses to play with them.

I don't think the article on the father that barbra posted was awesome, I think its sad. They can actively allow him to do his thing without labling him as transgender, and aiming a five year old in their percieved direction. 5 year olds do not see gender as we do, and while he make like princessess and high heels now, if left alone, he might change his mind. I have put maakeup on my sons when they asked, And nail polish. they have marched around in my high heels. Every last one of them. None are "gender confused" . kids learn through play. and it is totally normal for little boys to want to model mommy or their sisters or freinds. Most of them will outgrow it. My son once cried for an hour because he said he wants to grow up to be a mommy, and I teasingly said he was a boy, so he could only grow up to be a daddy.....Even he isn't "gender confused". There is a point where adults take normal child behavior and place a s-xual spin on it. I happen to think that is the case with that article.

Sparkle

Mon, Sep 16 2013, 10:03 pm

This was my son until he was 6. He dressed up in girls clothes, was obsessed with makeup and jewelry, and his friends were all girls.
He just turned 8 this week, and he is a different kid - a COMPLETELY normal boy!

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