How can this be an ideal set up in any way?

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Sep 29 2013, 6:04 am

I was talking to someone who told me of a friend (an 18 year old girl) whose parents got divorced. She lived with her mother who became non practicing jew who still forced this girl and her siblings to do religious things.
This girl is so completely confused about life and judaism that she told my friend that she went onto her phone this past shabbat.
How can that be healthy for anyone? To live with a non religious parent and have that parent force the children to still keep the mitzvot? She said that on shabbat, the mother would force the daughter to make kiddush but then she would just hang out at home, where her mother would be watching tv or on the computer so she would join her.
Confusing much? It seems so sad and avoidable too. The father moved states but stayed religious. Why not keep the kids with the religious parent if that is what you want for your kids, to keep them religious? Does that not make sense?

grace413

Sun, Sep 29 2013, 6:51 am

Maybe the father didn't want the kids. Maybe the kids didn't want to go to the States.

I also don't understand how an 18 year old can be "forced."

Obviously a sad situation. My question would be "how could the father leave his kids permanently" IMHO that's much more damaging. But who knows, maybe that's where he had parnasah and this way he will send them money.

The moral of the story is everybody should do their best for their kids, and they should also daven for siyata d'shmaya.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Sep 29 2013, 7:12 am

grace413 wrote:

I said the father moved states, meaning, from one state to another. They are all in america, just a state or so away from each other. But you are correct, maybe the father did not want the children. I dont know, but how can a mother force her children to keep mitzzvot when he does not keep them and they see that she is not keeping them? I just dont get it. The kind of confusion must be crazy.

As for being an 18 year old and being forced, now she is 18, this started when she was in the end of elementary school.

Shana_H

Sun, Sep 29 2013, 7:41 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

grace413 wrote:

Perhaps there was a court order in effect that says something about the religious upbringing of the kids, that Mom must raise the kids frum even if she chooses not to be so herself, what a mess!

ora_43

Sun, Sep 29 2013, 8:37 am

I don't think "how can this be an ideal set up" is the right question. I doubt anyone is claiming it's ideal. "Ideal" and divorce tend not to go together very well.

"Why not keep the kids with the religious parent if that is what you want for your kids, to keep them religious?"

Because the religious parent fought for custody and lost, but won the right to a "religious education" for their kids. Because the religious parent is not able to care for the children for whatever reason, but still wants (and deserves) a say in how they are raised. Because the parents are on decent enough terms to make a deal where the kids "are raised religious" while the secular parent gets primary custody. Who knows, there could be all kinds of reasons.

It sounds like whatever the agreement was, it was implemented in kind of a bizarre way. But that's going based on a third-hand account - maybe if the girl's mother were here to clarify, it would make a lot more sense.