Disorganized mother = overburdened children

amother

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 7:51 pm

I wasn't sure whether this belongs jn Household Management, or in Chinuch, but whatever.
Growing up, I was always at a loss with helping at home, because my mother was so hopelessly disorganized that I didn't know where to begin. She would wait until Friday afternoon to start preparing for Shabbos, and if I saw my friends playing outside and wanted to join them,.I was reprimanded "How dare you even consider such a thing when the house looks like this on a Friday afternoon?"
When she cooked supper, everything was left on the counters -not even a dirty spoon put in the sink -and then it was "Look how this house looks and my children don't help." Baskets of laundry, clean and dirty, were everywhere. I might add that we were only 2 children, my sister and I being teenagers, so it wasn't like my mother had little kids to look after, (she didn't work either), but somehow my sister & I always felt this atmosphere of resentment that the house was falling apart because we didn't help enough.

I now know that my mother had severe ADD, in addition to health problems which made her easily exhausted. While I can better understand why she functioned the way she did, I still feel it was an unfair burden to place on us. She should have gotten help for her issues instead of blaming us when the house didn't function well.
Well now I'm a mother of several BH. I don't have ADD, but household organizational skills don't come easily to me and never did. (perhaps because I never learned them growing up, I don't know.) My daughters are 9 and 11. I also have an extremely hyperactive & wild 5-year-old boy, a curious active tlddler, and I am pregnant and exhausted. And yes, my house is starting to fall apart. It's too much for me to manage, especially when my skills were mediocre beforehand.People tell me my older two girls should be helping out more, but then I figure why should my kids be burdened because their mother is tzufloygen?
People tell me I should prepare a set list of chores for my kids to do. But for that I myself need to be organized and on top of things. For example my daughter can't fold the laundry if I haven't gotten to washing & drying it yet. She can't wash the dishes if I haven't finished cooking (besides she's really lousy at both).
And I also feel it's unfair to make them clean up after their wild brother who turns the house into a tornado single-handledly.
What you think is the correct approach here? To what extent should children be expected to help at home, in a non-typical situation? I do have a little bit of cleaning help, much less than I truly need, because I can't afford more.

greenfire

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 7:59 pm

a house is a community organization ... everybody needs to pitch in ... inasmuch as their age allows ... if they don't learn now - when will they ever learn

that being said - I'm a slob with ocd & things are either perfect or a perfect wreck ... I could blame my mother - but really of what use would that be

teach your children now - so they don't dysfunct later & blame you

amother

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 8:07 pm

I'm not blaming my mother, like I said I now understand why she had trouble qith household management. I'm just on the other side of the equation now, and remembering how I felt as a kid, I'm wondering how to handle it now with my own kids.

Chana Miriam S

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 8:35 pm

Everyone helps in my house. I work for the things they enjoy and my husband pays the rest of our life. As we speak, dd just washed dairy dishes, ds is putting away groceries and I will be loading dishwasher and washing fleish dishes. We all do our own laundry.

Result: my kids know how to cook and clean. My son lived on his own this summer at age 17 and took care of himself. His room mate loved him.

Sure it doesn't thrill them but I hate housework too. And the cleaning ppl do what we need done every other week so none of us do the yucky jobs.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 8:38 pm

OP,

Wow, I got tired just reading your post! I have ADD, chronic illness with exhaustion, and only ONE special needs kid.

I wish I had some answers. All I can say is "do your best", and pray that it's enough.

morah

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 8:38 pm

Another slob who never learned how to keep house- because I grew up with live-in nannies and maids. I think it's important to give kids chores because a) everyone pitches in as part of the family and b) it imparts crucial life skills. The key, I think, is to really make it about doing their part rather than about outsourcing the things you don't want to/can't handle. Chores should never interfere with school or social activities- rather, they should be small tasks that are built into the day like showering or brushing teeth- which sometimes you don't want to do, but you do them and it's only a few minutes and not so bad. Oh, and if you have boys, they have to do it too. Reasons a and b apply equally to both genders and it avoids overburdening your girls.

amother

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 8:38 pm

But that doesn't help me. Obviously you have a system in place that you've been using for years. I'm so overwhelmed, so outnumbered by "factors" that I don't know how to begin implementing such a system.

mummiedearest

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 8:41 pm

you say you're disorganized. can you describe a typical day in detail? feel free to include any standard mess-making frenzies from your son. this will help us help you.

I can give you some generic advice:

1) make lists. have multiple notebooks/pads of paper available in different locations. every morning, make a list of what needs to be done. write things down as they pop into your head. then, go over the list, and number things in order of priority. try to stick to that order.

2) sit down with your dds and have them help make lists of chores they feel they do well, in a reasonable amount of time. don't have them wash dishes if it takes them a half hour. they should be able to sweep a floor, put a load of laundry in the washer, switch it to the dryer, sort a load, mop floors, and clean a bathroom perfectly well. they should also be able to pick up after themselves. this includes clearing their dishes from the table. they should not have to do all these chores every day, but they should be ready to do them when it's their day to do so.

3)when you make up your to-do list, see what you can designate for your dds to do. if you plan to have them throw laundry in the wash, consider laundry a later priority. if you intend for them to sort laundry, make sure the laundry gets done while they are at school.

4)make weekly meal plans. include lunch and snacks for kids if you send with them to school. have this written up by sunday night.

5) designate one specific day as grocery day. stick to the same day every week. keep this in mind when planning your meals. keep your grocery list on the fridge, and add to it as necessary.

6) when cooking, fill a basin/pot with soapy water. a used pot from the meal you're making will do. as you use utensils/smaller items, put them in the pot. everything will be easier to wash, and you'll save time.

7) keep multiple laundry hampers. I have one in each kid's room, and my room has a triple hamper. my bathroom upstairs has one, and I have one next to the baby's changing table on the main floor. if you sort your laundry before washing, have a designated hamper for each kind of load and teach your kids to throw the dirty laundry in the correct hamper.

8) if you live in a multi-story house and have the washer in the basement, make sure you own multiple laundry bags. you don't want to schlep the hamper from the second floor to the basement and leave it there for the duration of the wash. that results in random piles of laundry where the laundry basket usually is. every time a hamper fills up, empty it into a laundry bag. make sure the bag has a drawstring or zipper. close the bag, and throw it downstairs to the basement. that way, when it's laundry time, you don't have to go collect laundry. it's all ready.

9) make sure you own a very sturdy broom. I use an outdoor broom indoors. I clean up my living room by sweeping everything from the corners inwards. I end up with a huge pile of toys and crumbs/dirt in the center. I put the toys away and finish sweeping. it's much quicker this way than if I run around picking up toys and then sweep.

10) have containers/bins/buckets/receptacles for all those toys. if you don't have enough, buy some or throw some stuff out.

11) when you are cleaning a room, bring a shopping bag/garbage bag with you. don't walk back and forth from another room to the kitchen with a full dustpan. just empty it into your bag as you go along.

12) get into a schedule with dishwashing. find a good time of day to do it, and stick to it. you'll find it easier to keep in control.

13) get out of bed and get dressed asap every day. pajamas do not encourage housekeeping. I have a hard time cleaning if I'm in comfy pajamas.

14) some days will just be a mess. that's ok. be aware that if you have a bad housekeeping week, it often takes two weeks to get back on track. just try your best.

amother

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 8:57 pm

I would like to add a picture of a typical mess my son made. How do I add a picture?

Growing

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 9:18 pm

Hugs OP
I'll try to help.

Chores = tasks which need to get done daily or weekly or monthly.

Helping Mommy = this happens when Mommy is now tied down; tired; sick; or just plain asking you a favor - this should not happen too often as this is what can cause children to feel burdened.

Take a blank paper. Place it on your fridge with a magnet or in clip. As your day progresses jot down which tasks you think you can delegate to the children.

Daily:
Clearing table/counter
Packing away toys
Picking up dirt from floor [large pieces]
Sweeping
Rinsing Dishes

Erev Shabbos:
Pack away Muktzah
Turn on lights
Cut papertowel
Change filters
Place tablecloths
Set table

Create a rotating system by creating a table with columns - Sun-Shabbos. For each day assign a different child's name or designated color. Post this on the inside of a cabinet door after you show it and discuss it with your children.

Have a meeting with your children.
Tell them you are so proud they are growing up and maturing in so many ways. Explain to them that they are old enough now to participate in keeping the house orderly. In some homes children get an allowance [spare change] prizes, tickets or privileges monthly for a job well done. If you can implement such a system that would be a great motivator. For example: Every Rosh Chodesh we will choose one privilege/prize etc. from a bowl of privileges prizes to celebrate a job well done. [They can create the bowl - box for this on their own to addd to the fun] They can also prepare the papers and write down what they would like "new book' 'outing with mommy' 'special nosh for shabbos' - you get it.

You also discuss with them that as of today you expect them to:
Put their dirty clothes in the hamper - have a pre divided hamper so the kids throw their laundry in the right 'bag' or slot eliminating your need to sort later on [sold in hardware or department stores or try container store]
Ensure sink/mirror is clean after brushing teeth
Fold their pajamas and smooth the bed sheets/quilts
Place their slippers in the closet before leaving for school
Clear off their breakfast plates
Hang up their coat. Put their briefcase in a designated spot.
Clear away their books crafts
Keep their drawers/shelf uncluttered and neat. [they usually need to reorganize once a month or so....]
[customize to fit your needs]
You can have them create a check list to help them out for a few days until it gets into their system.

Doing this accomplishes two things. First of all every child who is old enough assumes responsibility for his belongings. Children chip in to help out with the basic household tasks.

The point is that while you are the mother and run the home you have a staff helping you along - happily.

I would not start them off with mopping or cleaning bathrooms just yet. Maybe vacuuming.

When starting a child on a new chore the way to do it is first with them, than you show them how to and give them instructions, than you watch them do it and compliment what they get right while explaining gently where they went wrong - then you can be assured they will know how to do it on their own.

Never assume a child just 'knows' how to.

Keep a pad or paper handy in a designated spot and jot down items as you run out of it so you don't forget to buy it. Its always good to have extra of things which are used a lot - toilet paper soap etc. [if you have the space]

When you cook/bake - put away and wash away as you go or soak in the sink.
Create a system how you do laundry - maybe throw in a load every morning and dry it after the children leave and fold it when they come home - do it your way but by doing it consistently it becomes a habit.
When you take out from the dryer - fold and put in drawers if possible or at least sort in piles of pants shirts etc. so if you have a few spare minutes you fold one pile of stuff at a time - or work out a system which works for you.

Designating a color for each child is a great help! Each time you need to tell stuff apart you use the colors - toothbrushes notebooks sock holders [place stickers on water bottles when you use them] etc.

Is your home disorganized? Start organizing decluttering slowly - look up flylady or buy her book. Also look up books in your library or Amazon which help ADD people keep organized.

Remember that the goal is to keep your home clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.

Things will change gradually - the main thing is to keep a positive loving and accepting atmosphere [starting by accepting your faults....]

mummiedearest

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 9:21 pm

amother wrote:

I would like to add a picture of a typical mess my son made. How do I add a picture?

have you tried to just copy and paste?

Growing

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 9:27 pm

Children may often complain:
Why do I 'have' to clean up after [insert name of son/daughter/toddler]

This is what I answer my children: When you were young and not able to clean after yourself I did it for you. Now you are doing it - to help me - you are not doing it 'for your sibling'.

If child still complains I will sometimes give a little nosh or 'tchotchke' especially if toddler or other created a big mess which needs clean up - sometimes I will even say in advance - whoever will help pack in the cliks which Moishy spilled and threw around yet again will get a ? for snack tomorrow or a candy after supper etc.

You can also separately divide the week Mon-Thur - twice a week the eleven year old entertains the toddler for a half hour after school and twice a week the nine year old - and at the end of a certain period of time they get something for it - if this works for you.

I suggested books on organizing specifically written for people with ADD since you grew up in a home where your mother had ADD so I thought it would be more helpful than just another organizing book.

Good Luck

morah

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 9:43 pm

amother wrote:

I am not old enough to have been using any system for years. I have a toddler and a newborn, so no chores yet (well, OK, the toddler puts away his toys and kinda sorta wipes up spills). I do work with teenagers all day long, so I know a bit about how they operate and the kind of psychology you need to use with them. Can't help you with specifics though, because I too am disorganized AND I'm not at your stage of life yet. But the other posters seem to know what they're talking about Smile

amother

Tue, Oct 08 2013, 10:14 pm

Thanks all, most of your suggestions really are helpful. I love this site Smile

amother

Wed, Oct 09 2013, 12:04 am

OP, a lot of your childhood sounds similar to mine, and I also feel like I'm lacking basic household skills. What helped me is setting up routines for me and kids slowly (babysteps - flylady also helped me a lot in the beginning.)

Now that my kids are older (oldest is 12) they each have one chore at night - clearing off table, picking up toys from floor, vacuum. Pick something that is not dependent on you but will make a difference the state of your house. If one of the jobs is overwhelming I might divide it between two kids - you pick up 30 things and you pick up 30 things, etc.

There were many behaviors in our house that were contributing to the chaos so I decided to tackle them one at a time. Each month I would pick one area to work on together as a family (including myself bec. I also had trouble with some of them...) like putting clothes in hamper, putting backpacks away (for me it was purse), putting jackets in closet, putting dishes in sink after supper, keeping the bathroom clean. I put a certain amount of coins in a jar and each time we forgot we took a coin out. Whatever was left in the jar at the end of the month, we put away towards a family trip or vacation that we otherwise would not have taken. After about 6 months we had enough to do something together.

I also set up a daily cleaning routine for myself to do when the kids are in school. I keep it small so that I'm more likely to do it, but every bit helps. I start each day with throwing a load in the washer and then set the timer for 20 min. in kitchen, 20 min. in dining room etc.

Once a week the older kids do their rooms and fold their laundry. Erev Shabbos the kids each have a job or two. About once a month we will all tackle a bigger job like the garage. I have very minimal amount of cleaning help just for the hard jobs.

My house is very far from perfect but at least I feel more in control. I also know that if everything is turning I can get the house decent if we all pitch in for 15-20 min. since my kids are already used to doing chores and I have a routine in place.

Tablepoetry

Wed, Oct 09 2013, 2:06 am

I haven't read everything. Just want to say - yes, your dds should be helping out (I haven't quite mastered getting my kids to help out that much though, so I should talk).
BUT - a big but - you are right, they should NOT be asked to clean up their brother's mess, or they will resent him. Either you convince him to do it, or you and your dh clean it up.

smss

Wed, Oct 09 2013, 3:48 am

mummiedearest wrote:

9) make sure you own a very sturdy broom. I use an outdoor broom indoors. I clean up my living room by sweeping everything from the corners inwards. I end up with a huge pile of toys and crumbs/dirt in the center. I put the toys away and finish sweeping. it's much quicker this way than if I run around picking up toys and then sweep.

I LOVE this idea, I'm totally trying that!

Ruchel

Wed, Oct 09 2013, 11:39 am

Kids, boys and girls, have to help. But not make up for one's lack of org...

Fox

Wed, Oct 09 2013, 1:03 pm

Someone else here whose childhood didn't include balabusta role models!

I've taken a somewhat different tack from other posters. Rather than assigning specific jobs, I have my kids commit to being available at a specific time for a period of X minutes.

That way, I can assign what really needs to be done.

If they can't fold laundry because I didn't put it in the washer, I can assign someone to do that.

If the living room looks like a herd of moose recently passed through, I can have someone tidy up.

This system has worked for us because the help isn't conditional with regard to a specific job. It consists of whatever I deem most important to accomplish at the time.

southernbubby

Wed, Oct 09 2013, 1:37 pm

I was rarely organized when I was raising kids and always figured that I had ADHD. A few days ago, my son who is a Chabad shaliach, hosted the governor of his state as a speaker for the building dedication. The governor got up and said that he had dyslexia and ADHD as well as physical disabilities. I spoke to him about it as well. If a man with all that got elected governor, well then maybe there is hope for those disorganized among us.