What shall we do? | Imamother

amother

Thu, Oct 17 2013, 1:53 pm

My dd is entering the shidduchim phase. Every time my husband and I bring up the topic she kind of avoids it. Yesterday she confided in me that she is attracted to girls more than to boys. I'm devastated! What as parents can we do? Is there something that can be done?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 17 2013, 3:22 pm

Just love her, and make sure she knows you love her.

Maybe she's attracted to women, maybe she's just too young to get married, maybe she's scared. Only time will tell. No matter what happens, she's still the daughter you raised and loved all these years - that hasn't changed.

amother

Thu, Oct 17 2013, 3:39 pm

Has she been around boys much? Does she have brothers? Does she ever talk to boys? Maybe boys are strange creatures to her and she has no interest in getting married to one yet cause she's never gotten to know boys as people. Maybe she didn't mean attracted. Is she young? Maybe she likes hanging out with her friends and isn't ready to think of marriage yet.

sequoia

Thu, Oct 17 2013, 4:10 pm

Devastated? Really? Guess you haven't heard of the "bi till I graduate" phenomenon in college.

Many, many young girls go through a phase of thinking they're attracted to girls. The vast majority of the time, they forget it after a few years and become completely straight. It's POSSIBLE your daughter really is gay or bi, but very, very unlikely. Extremely unlikely.

Stop talking about marriage until she mentions it herself. "Ripeness is all," as Shakespeare said.

PinkFridge

Thu, Oct 17 2013, 5:24 pm

amother wrote:

This is why I do not think it is healthy to give teenagers no contact with the opposite relations.
how can she develop an attraction to boys if she has never been around any?

Girls don't live in a bubble. They have cousins, friends' brothers, may have some media exposure, all sorts of options to form various opinions. I really don't buy this argument.

OP, I would tell her that this comes out of left field for you and you need to do some thinking, but that meanwhile as far as the world's concerned she''s not ready yet. I would consult with "specialists" - rabbanim and rebbetzins, therapists, etc., people in the trenches - who deal with frum gay people who really want to stay frum but reconcile feelings. There are good people out there though I don't have a clue who. But these will be calm, thinking good people who just might be able to give you a script, and whom you might feel comfortable enough with to have your daughter contact.

I'm not assuming anything as far as her orientation goes. Someone who has good counseling experience and deals honestly and helpfully with this demographic might help her better sort things out. Hatzlacha.

amother

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 1:24 am

Anyone know whom I can contact? I know my daughter and she wouldn't say this if it weren't true. Is it possible to change someone s*xual orientation?

My daughter is confused I see it on her and no she did not have a lot of contact with boys growing up....

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 1:30 am

amother wrote:

No, you can't change anyone's orientation. You can give them advice on what and what not to act on, but their inner feelings can only be changed by themselves, when and if they feel the need to change.

If she is confused, leave her alone unless she is specifically asking for your help. Ask her what SHE wants to do about it, not what YOU want to do about it.

You also need to ask yourself, why are you in such a hurry for her to get married? She's obviously not ready to settle down with anyone. Putting that kind of pressure on her is not going to help her AT ALL right now, so drop the shidduch subject. She'll let you know when/if she is interested.

amother

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 11:41 am

So I should do nothing even if she's doing inappropriate things? It's not that I'm in a hurry to marry her off just the opposite I wouldn't want her to get married in this situation. I don't know if she's having any physical relationships but I do know she watches [filth] and is VERY confused, it's affecting her really strongly...

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 11:50 am

amother wrote:

For sure she should be talking to someone. I think you need to find the right person first so you'll have a good script to approach her.

Isramom8

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 11:58 am

If she is actually attracted to both genders, I don't see why it has to be a concern. In the frum world, there is only one gender she can marry, so that narrows down where she will be focusing her energies.

She may just not be ready for shidduchim. When she starts shidduchim, it will be about each specific boy, not males versus females.

Keep listening to hear if she means exactly what she said, or what she really means.

amother

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 12:07 pm

Isramom8 I'm not exactly getting what your saying. If she's attracted to girls how can she have a normal relationship with a man WHEN and IF she's ready to get married? And also if she's interested in girls why should she focus on boys?

amother

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 12:21 pm

this is my theory (dont know if its a wide theory)

it is very possible for girls to be BI verses just lesbian.

we grow up and create "boosum (spelling???) buddies"
we become close to a our girl friends. we give each other chills and have physical enjoyment even from just chills. we share are deep dark secrets with each other and create emotional bonds.

its an emotional relationship.

our dh eventually become our physical and emotional love.

also the thought of 2 women together is easier to bear/accept than 2 men.

boys are "icky" and we grow up with that thought. personally a nude male grosses me out, have no interest in seeing one, although I'm okay with my dh.

The fact that she's seen [filth] but has had little to no contact with boys bothers me the most. Does she see tv/movies? Obviously tv/movies relationships is far from the jewish ideas but [filth] is way out of our league.

hop613

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 1:07 pm

Froget about shidduchim for now.

Your daughter is confused as you say, and I think it is really good that she confided in you.

But there is a difference in how she came to you - did she come and say, this is the way I am mom, I'm just letting you know. Or did she say - I'm really confused mom, I don't know what to do about how I feel. If it is the first, I'm not really sure there is much you can or should do at this point besides just accept her. But if she is asking for help. I think you can find her someone to talk to to help her figure out how she feels.

sequoia

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 1:07 pm

Give her some time!!! Teenage girls and young women often have same zex attraction. It is natural (see above explanation about bosom friends). It is temporary. Milton in Paradise Lost portrays Eve as first falling in love with her own reflection and then with Adam. Girls are more familiar at this age.

But if she is a lesbian, you cannot change that.

Drop the topic of shidduchim for now and encourage her to spend time with various friends.

amother

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 1:37 pm

Quote:

The fact that she's seen [filth] but has had little to no contact with boys bothers me the most.

I agree - I don't understand. Girls who grow up so sheltered and frum that they have little contact with boys watch [filth]?? - I'm MO, was always friends with boys though was SN. ONCE, I watched 5 minutes of [filth] out of curiosity but I didn't watch it in general. That's not normal male Female relationships. I was friends with boys (not all were SN but I was) - we respected each other as friends, not a s*x objects.

That's what your daughter thinks boys are like. Good for nothing but s*x and a [filth] movie isn't nice loving s*x. It's people doing disgusting things to each other. If that was my only contact with boys I would run the other way too.

I don't you have to worry about your daughter being a lesbian. I DO think you have to worry that her only contact with boys are the ones she sees in porno movies and that's what she thinks boys are. I know it's not done, but I think you have to find a way for her to interact with boys. - She's not ready for shidduchim yet. She has to socialize to get this crazy [filth] out of her head and replace it with nice boys

amother

Mon, Oct 21 2013, 1:56 pm

I'm sincerely confused.

If watching [filth] is okay and watching x rated movies is okay then why isn't it okay to be gay or bi or whatever.

Haayen Roeh VHalev Chomed VChal Maasecha...........

There is a direct correlation between watching things that are bad for you and doing things that are bad for you.

Most marital issues on this forum would not happen if people would watch their eyes.

It's good to be open minded, watch all the movies you want and then come crying when there are issues.

I am NOT judging the mother or girl here, this is just a general issue that I think is a double standard.