Overweight Teen | Imamother

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 6:33 pm

My 15 year old used to be quite thin. She put on a lot of weight since she entered high school. I have lots of healthy food options available but she makes them fattening. A great example is if I make salmon for dinner she'll cover it in mayonnaise even though its spiced up well and prepared in a way she requested. In addition if she sees someone eating something she usually will have it too even if she just ate a meal or a snack. She has worked with a nutritionist and a personal trainer in the past (at her request) but never followed through on their recommendations. I try not to comment because I don't want to make food an issue but I suspect she has a food addiction. At this point she won't admit that she has an issue with food (but she does does say that she needs to lose weight). Does anyone have advice to offer? It's hard to sit back and watch her hurt herself.

octopus

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 6:50 pm

where would she learn to smear something in mayo like that? that would never occur to me to do s/t like that!

teens do gain as they reach adolescence- but the mayo thing would freak me out. sounds like her eating is all haywired. when she was very thin was she eating normally or were you not paying attention? don't want to jump the gun but eating disorders can be a swinging pendulum- going from one extreme to the next. ppl dont associate the binge part of the disorder. I would keep my eyes peeled and pay close attention.

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 7:33 pm

angelinheaven wrote:

The underlying issues for an eating disorder are usually low self esteem, depression, anxiety, etc. You said she gained weight since starting high school so school may be stressing her out and causing her to eat. Or there may be other issues that you are not aware of so you might want to find a good therapist that deals with eating disorders that can help identify your daughters underlying issues.

Her eating habits did not change since entering high school. But her eight has been creeping up. We found a wonderful therapist for her last year. She was mortified and refused to go. We convinced her to try it but after a few sessions she would not go back.

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 7:36 pm

octopus wrote:

She always ate like that. Lots of butter and mayo on her food. She has a hard time doing things in moderation in general.

octopus

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 8:45 pm

amother wrote:

That is a good idea bamamama, I should try and see what happens. I wonder though if its fair to my other kids who know how to eat normally. They'll grab an apple if they are hungry but will also take one cookie if in the mood. DD will polish off the rest of the package. Why should they be denied an occasional treat if they know how to snack in a controlled way? DH and I don't eat the junk.

I don't think its the end of the world for the other kids. believe me, there is plenty of access to junk food that is not within your control especially if your kids go to school. I don't think you need to feel guilty for not having in the house if one kid has a problem with food. I know someone whose small toddler has diabetes. guess what? all sweets/cakes/cookies are out of the house. all the siblings survive. that's life. it's not exactly the same kind of comparison but you kwim, right?

Rutabaga

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 10:08 pm

I was a chubby kid and teenager (and I'm still overweight). My mother was constantly harping on my weight. "That would look so much better on you if you just lost 5 (or 10 or 15) pounds." Every time I went up a size it was a BIG DEAL. My mother put me on diets. She carefully controlled my portion sizes. You know what, I resented every comment and every look and every time she gave me significantly less food then my siblings. Whenever I had a chance to eat away from her eagle eye, I always overdid it. I spent my babysitting money on food, which I hid away in my room. To this day, I always walk away hungry from my mother's table even if I've eaten a full meal.

So OP, please don't do that to your daughter. Don't single her out and make a big fuss. It could very well backfire. If she wants to lose weight, then that's great. Let it come from her. Or make it less about the weight (the numbers can be daunting) and more about living a healthy lifestyle and feeling more comfortable with her body image.

If you want to get rid of the mayo and butter, which sounds like a pretty good idea in this case, then make it about healthier eating for the whole family. Try to teach your kids about making good decisions about food instead of constantly saying not to eat things. Don't bring the foods your daughter binges on into the house, as other posters suggested. Keep a ready supply of easy to grab healthy snacks, like cut up veggies and fruits. Don't cut out the nosh altogether, because that could lead to people feeling deprived. Try to find healthier alternatives, like air popped popcorn or baked potato chips or whole grain cookies (low calorie). And if your daughter is likely to eat the whole bag, then break it up into smaller portions before you even put it away in the cupboard.

One thing that sometimes helped me as a teenager was to have sugar-free gum or candies available. When I was studying for exams or bogged down with homework, I would feel the need to take breaks. Grabbing a nosh feels like a good break, even if you're not really hungry. Having something to put in my mouth that didn't really amount to much calorie-wise was very helpful.

Does your daughter get any exercise? Would she be willing to go on walks with you? Are there any physical activities that she enjoys doing?

imasinger

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 10:18 pm

I agree that if she feels like you are critical of her, the problems will be compounded. And with the ideas of exercise and removing some temptation.

But she is old enough to find other sources of fattening food if she wants. Ultimately, this is HER struggle.

Since she was "mortified" by being taken to a therapist, and may refuse to try again, you may need to be the one to consult with someone and let them coach you to figure out what is bothering her, and how to help. How is high school for her socially? Academically? Any changes or stresses in your family life?

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 10:21 pm

Rutabaga wrote:

OP here. Great ideas! Thank you!

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 10:29 pm

imasinger wrote:

She never had it easy socially. School is not a safe place for her. Has never been. We've offered her the option to change schools since JH and although its rough she never wanted to change schools. But it has been rough since long before she started gaining weight. DH and I have been going to various therapists on and off through the years (especially with her social situation) to seek guidance in how to help her but the most we have walked away with were tools to help us deal with our emotions. It can be very difficult to help your own preteen/teen child through an issue.

bamamama

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 10:34 pm

amother wrote:

I agree with Rutabaga about the fairness of keeping certain items out of the house.

One thing you need to realize is that this is very likely a real compulsion for your dd. You can read my post in the recent OA thread to see an example of what might go through your dd's mind. Sadly, this is a battle she will have to fight for herself. If there's an unobtrusive way to let her know that groups like OA exist, maybe in a few years she'll be open to trying it out. Keep her close and love her up. Love everything about her. It will make the fight less lonely for her. As a teenager she probably judges herself really harshly and I guarantee she knows she's overweight. If you can project unconditional love completely without judgement and if you can keep only healthy food in the house, you will be supporting her in the best way possible.

imasinger

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 10:43 pm

It is indeed very rough to parent a child with issues! Do you think she would feel more comfortable if you pursued family systems therapy, where the whole family participates?

Bamamama, one note of caution about suggesting OA. I was introduced to OA when I was 14, and left when I was 16, and never wanted to go back. The system is not ideally suited for teens, since some women don't feel as comfortable sharing with them in the room, and since they aren't really going to be wanted as sponsors after they have done the program for a year or two -- unless there are other teens around. For me, my teen rebellion got tied up in my resentment of feeling like I wasn't old enough to be a "real" member.

angelinheaven

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 11:05 pm

amother wrote:

imasinger wrote:

Op, maybe she would appreciate a group therapy kind of approach. You can find her an eating disordered group for teenaged girls. It would help her socially as well as help her understand that she is not the only one struggling with this issue. If you are in NY then the Renfrew Center would be able to help--they have a group specifically for Orthodox women but they may also have a group for Orthodox teenagers or they can refer you elsewhere.

Also, why is school not safe for your daughter?

Last edited by angelinheaven on Sun, Oct 27 2013, 11:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

imasinger

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 11:14 pm

I also highly recommend one on one time, where you spend 10-15 minutes every night together, giving her undivided attention. (Good to do with each kid in the family; split over 2-3 nights if you have more kids). She controls the agenda, but it is non electronic, and no parental comments that have ulterior agendas are allowed. (For example, "I love how quick you are at Bananagrams" is fine, but "With that vocabulary, I imagine you'll ace English this year" is not).

I'm amazed by what a difference this has made for my kids since we started it.

bamamama

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 11:19 pm

imasinger wrote:

That's a great point. I figured a teen wouldn't be interested but if she at least knew that it existed, it might make it easier for her to seek out a meeting in a few years when she's officially an adult. I know I officially knew about OA for a few years before I realized I needed the help and actually sought it out.