Overweight Teen | Imamother

wispalover

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 12:27 am

amother wrote:

My 15 year old used to be quite thin. She put on a lot of weight since she entered high school. I have lots of healthy food options available but she makes them fattening. A great example is if I make salmon for dinner she'll cover it in mayonnaise even though its spiced up well and prepared in a way she requested. In addition if she sees someone eating something she usually will have it too even if she just ate a meal or a snack. She has worked with a nutritionist and a personal trainer in the past (at her request) but never followed through on their recommendations. I try not to comment because I don't want to make food an issue but I suspect she has a food addiction. At this point she won't admit that she has an issue with food (but she does does say that she needs to lose weight). Does anyone have advice to offer? It's hard to sit back and watch her hurt herself.

Have you checked for PCOS? Sometimes those with PCOS gain a lot of weight quickly around this age.

Rutabaga wrote:

I was a chubby kid and teenager (and I'm still overweight). My mother was constantly harping on my weight. "That would look so much better on you if you just lost 5 (or 10 or 15) pounds." Every time I went up a size it was a BIG DEAL. My mother put me on diets. She carefully controlled my portion sizes. You know what, I resented every comment and every look and every time she gave me significantly less food then my siblings. Whenever I had a chance to eat away from her eagle eye, I always overdid it. I spent my babysitting money on food, which I hid away in my room. To this day, I always walk away hungry from my mother's table even if I've eaten a full meal.

So OP, please don't do that to your daughter. Don't single her out and make a big fuss. It could very well backfire. If she wants to lose weight, then that's great. Let it come from her. Or make it less about the weight (the numbers can be daunting) and more about living a healthy lifestyle and feeling more comfortable with her body image.

If you want to get rid of the mayo and butter, which sounds like a pretty good idea in this case, then make it about healthier eating for the whole family. Try to teach your kids about making good decisions about food instead of constantly saying not to eat things. Don't bring the foods your daughter binges on into the house, as other posters suggested. Keep a ready supply of easy to grab healthy snacks, like cut up veggies and fruits. Don't cut out the nosh altogether, because that could lead to people feeling deprived. Try to find healthier alternatives, like air popped popcorn or baked potato chips or whole grain cookies (low calorie). And if your daughter is likely to eat the whole bag, then break it up into smaller portions before you even put it away in the cupboard.

One thing that sometimes helped me as a teenager was to have sugar-free gum or candies available. When I was studying for exams or bogged down with homework, I would feel the need to take breaks. Grabbing a nosh feels like a good break, even if you're not really hungry. Having something to put in my mouth that didn't really amount to much calorie-wise was very helpful.

Does your daughter get any exercise? Would she be willing to go on walks with you? Are there any physical activities that she enjoys doing?

I am, like Rutabaga, begging you not to make a big deal of this to your daughter. I know, as a fellow parent, it is super hard to step away, but I too bought food and ate it in my room. I was a completely miserable teen, had only a small closed circle of friends and was bullied in my first year of high school; it was a really vicious cycle of eating and self destruction. Now I am still overweight but much more comfortable in my own body.

My suggestions:
Do not make a big deal about her weight. Do not discuss it. Do not mention it. Do not make snide remarks.

Try and make her feel loved and happy. Do not focus on the physical- look at what she accomplishes and what she excels in and praise it to the limit. Offer her cooking time- do challenges to make yummy food in the healthiest way.

Make switches from butter to smart balance/ earth balance/ whatever. Buy Light mayo instead of full fat. Try and find a new therapist.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 1:46 am

Please don't say/do anything about her weight. It is her battle and her battle alone. Any controlling you try to do of the food she has access to will backfire as she will find her own way to get the foods she wants and then resent you for it. I too was fat growing up and have always been overweight. My parents put me on my first diet when I was 8 and in third grade. I was 103lbs at the time. I was MORTIFIED and quite frankly I blame that early discomfort on my lack of success in dieting for years to come. Had they waited for it to come from me I never would have been ashamed of dieting. I was actually EMBARRASSED to eat healthy foods thinking it's announcing to the world that there is something wrong with me. My father used to push me up and down on the trampoline to force me to exercize with further embarrassed me and I distinctly remember the time I was hiding in my room crying because I was given fat free pretzels for shabbos party when my thin siblings (who didn't work at their weight OR eat less than me) were given potato chips) all in the name of not making the other kids suffer. I still struggle with my weight but no longer find it embarrassing but my parents, well meaning as they were, went about it in the wrong way. And any control you try to exert on her life will do the same. Good luck!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 1:56 am

I've recently become a big fan of "The nurtured heart approach" by Howard Glasser.

It was originally written to deal with ADHD and defiant kids, but I think you could easily apply a lot of the principles.

Do not give energy to the negative! This includes sighing when her clothes don't fit, or letting your expression change when you see her dive in for second helpings of something.

Give lots of positive comments, but NEVER ABOUT HER WEIGHT. This part is crucial. Praise her for anything and everything, except her appearance and food. Even saying "Wow, you're making some really good choices for your lunch today" can be taken the wrong way. Praise her hair, her grades, the way she says something kind to her siblings, or how quickly she swept the kitchen floor. Anything, except the "elephant in the room" issue.

Keep up the healthy food around the house, that's important. After several months of positive messages, her self esteem should be coming up, and she might even drop a few pounds. If she does happen to lose weight, tell her it's time to go to the mall and get a new blouse for Shabbos, or some other non food related treat. Don't tie it into her diet!

I'm currently using this technique with DD to control her constant whining and begging, and within the first week I saw a huge improvement. She will even do her chores the first time I ask, without putting up a dramatic fight. Frankly, I'm flabbergasted at how effective this stuff is!

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 7:54 am

To my parents, I was and always will be beautiful and perfect. It was my grandmother who used to tell me I was chubby and had to watch what I was eating, and who gave me a LOOK if I reached for seconds of dessert or whatever. Not that I was chubby- I had the misfortune of having a round face with pinchable cheeks and a bit of a double chin- so I always looked 'chubby' as a preteen/ early teen when in fact I was of a perfectly normal weight.

I wound up with a full-blown eating disorder in high school after hearing and internalizing the 'fat' comments for too long from her. If not for my parents, who could care less what I look like or weigh and ALWAYS only focused on my character, middos, and other accomplishments that ARE actually important, I don't know if I would have recovered. (Of course, there were many other factors that led me to this too, in retrospect. But she was the first and only one to bring up my weight and eating as an issue- as something disordered that needed to be fixed, and that certainly planted the idea in my head.)

Not exactly analagous to your daughter's situation, but just wanted you to recall that the rate of eating disorders in the frum community is high and that anorexia is the psychiatric illness with the highest fatality rate (lo aleinu) so you want to tread REALLY carefully in this area.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 8:49 am

My daughter is 15 also and gained a ton of weight this past year. She was at my sisters place and my sister told her that the reason she is overweight is because of white bread and sugar. (as if anyone asked for her advice or opinion)

So my daughter told her very bluntly that she's overweight simply because she really enjoys eating.

I've always struggled with eating too much and my daughter has the same issue. I think it's counterproductive to point these things out. I was always there to help her. but it has to come from her. My mother was always down my back and trust me, it didn't help an ounce, it just made me feel horrible about myself.

So, this year, bh, her friends are all into losing weight and eating healthy. She joined the bandwagon b/c she doesn't want to be the fattest kid in the class. Very Happy

Till now the others were heavier.

I'm all for it and I prepare her food with her, always make sure to have the right foods around even if they're real expensive healthy stuff. And I told her that I'll join her, she even prepared a healthy lunch for me to take to work today, so there u go.

Good luck!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 3:39 pm

I haven't read the thread, just OP's post.

May I sound off, in complete ignorance?

Get the kid out of that school.

Make up some cover story; say it's a health issue or who knows what.

Home school this kid.

Maybe one year.

She sounds intelligent and after a week of freaking, sulking and napping, will cooperate constructively in her own education.

I wager you she will drop the weight. It will fall right off her when she isn't in that environment any more.

You sound like a very nice and intelligent mother who could do a good job of this. It sounds as if you have the right relationship with her.

After a year, you and she could asses what to do next.

Do NOT discuss weight with her, ever.

IMO the school is doing this, pure and simple, cause and effect.

Or, send her to live with relatives and to go to school somewhere else.

Girls sometimes put on big weight out of panic, to deflect relations/l pressure, or to get unpleasant people to leave them alone. Severely fat people are ignored more. Sometimes a girl prefers being ignored to some kinds of social interaction. I don't know which of these is going on, if any.

Mind you, you don't say just how fat she is getting. There is no need to be skinny as a rail while growing. What I said only applies if she is really blowing up unreasonably. Only you know that. She isn't you, and may have a different body type than what you are used to and like.

Check if this might be a rebellion against you. I hope you aren't one of those people who fuss about the wonderfulness of leaves. Leaves are wonderful but so is a steak.

Even mayonnaise has its uses. It makes the body work right in certain unmentionable ways.

You know best.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 5:27 pm

Again, thank you for all the excellent suggestions. Regarding her school not being a safe place - I know it sounds terrible and it is but her grade has always been a misery. Lots of low self esteem leading to bullying, exclusion... Those types of things. Home schooling is not an option with this child. It's something I'd probably enjoy with my other children but it would destroy my relationship with this child. And she really is overweight. Her doctor has had serious discussions with her about it. We are talking about going from a size 2 to size 12 over 24 months. She has always eaten like this even as a toddler. When she was in preschool she would eat so much junk at the shabbos party she would vomit when she came home from school. Her Morah had no clue because she was this cute scrawny kid. But once it was pointed out to her she was able to stop the over eating. It's not an easy situation and like I said very hard to watch but the advice given by everyone has been amazing. Thank you!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 5:50 pm

Talk to somebody who knows about sensory issues.

She is craving some kind of experience from her food that it isn't giving her, so she eats and eats to get it but it doesn't happen.

Encourage her interest in food but point it toward high standards. You might enroll her in a very sophisticated cooking class and state plainly that she now knows more than you do.

I notice she improved on your cooking by adding the mayonnaise. Let her be in charge.

A course will boost her food experience: let her be the genius and the expert about what fleur de sel is, how to clarify butter, what a quenelle is, what béarnaise is.

She may never be thin, but she will be in charge, and admired for being smart. We are not trying for thin, we are trying to avoid despair. We want her proud of her expertise and disdainful of any but the very best food. We don't want her scarfing down just anything.

Get her teeth perfect. Spend the money.

Consider stud earrings, perhaps sapphires. Diamonds are great but they might bring her problems in public.

Whatever you are spending on her clothes now, spend ten percent more on everything. Spend some money on her room, upgrade it.

Since she can't escape this "grade" she needs to feel better among them.

She should have very nice nightgowns, too. Clothes "nobody sees", but of course, they affect her self concept.

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