Did you love your mom?

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 7:05 pm

During your teenage years, do you recall loving your mother? Somehow I get the impression that all mother-teenage daughter relationships are strained, or that the teenager is embarrassed or annoyed with her mother.

The lives of teens are very complex. They respond terribly to criticism, expect to get away with helping around the house, and they can be overly sensitive and insecure.

What are the tricks of the trade to being a great mom to your daughter?

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 7:26 pm

Personally I have a VERY difficult relationship with mine, and for no reasons to do with me. I was the perfect daughter, and the reason why he had a bad relationship was nothing to do with me being argumentative, a typical teen or rebellious. I am the most peaceful person who HATES confrontation of any kind. But she caused me a lot of pain and I had to distance myself. As for whether I love her, it's hard to answer, but I do know that for a fact, many teenage girls love their mothers huge amounts - even if they don't show it - and many do.

Your mother is your best friend. (my case is an exception as are a few others). Your mother is the only person who will be there for you unconditionally, who you can always turn to. She is your confidente, your rock. I think the majority of girls feels this way, even if they don't show it. Also many girls do get along with their mothers. Many don't, but many do.

And even in the cases where the mother and daughter don't get along...the mother and daughter relationship is one of the most powerful ever. Even in (most) cases where there is a bad relationship, there is still love.

There is a difference between "like" and "love". A mother and daughter might not like each other.
They might actually DISLIKE each other. Very much. They might also hate their personality traits, the way they behave, or the way they act. They may simply have no common ground, or no compatibility, no harmony.
But love? They still love each other. They might not LIKE each other, for sure. But they love each other.

They still want them to be safe. They might even still provide for them and care for them, somehow.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 8:26 pm

amother wrote:

This is not necessarily true. My mother was never my best friend, or any kind of friend. She was occasionally kind to me, but distant. She wanted to do her own thing and was barely involved in my life at all. She was never there for me, and if I had a problem, I never approached her to talk because my family never discussed emotions at all. It was completely taboo. She always took other people's sides against mine and never stood up for me. I got the feeling that she didn't love me or even like me very much and I reciprocated in kind.

It is painful for me to hear you say that for most girls, their mothers are their best friends. I did have some friends who were close with their mothers, but lots of my friends were not.

Yiddis

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 8:29 pm

I think there a a few good reasons why the teenage years are so difficult and why relationships between parents and teens can be strained.

Try to remember what it felt like to be a teen.
Nobody respects you like an adult. You are expected to do household chores, to excel in school, and make your parents proud. You can do all this and often get little appreciation or love. People do not respect your needs or boundaries.

Teens are also lacking the special privileges that come with womanhood and married life, mainly the pleasure of having a soul-mate to bond with, and the fulfillment and joy that comes with having kids.

Additionally young adolescents often struggle with insecurity, rebelliousness, or hypersensitivity as they have yet to mature and grow.

So when you add it all up, teenage life pretty much sucks, although as parents we can try to love and respect the needs of our child. Ultimately though, the teenager will always struggle.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 8:32 pm

Yes, I loved my mom very much. In many ways, our relationship was less complicated then than it is now. I thought she was very smart and had my best interests at heart, and I really enjoyed her personality.

However, I still hid a lot from her and made her go out of her mind with worry. But it wasn't out of any sense of hating her. I just wanted to do whatever I wanted to do and so I did it. If it involved lying to her, well, that was too bad. She was always on to me when I was lying about something, but she didn't always know the truth (like let's say she knew I was not actually at so-and-so's house like I said I was, but who knew where I really was) and it always made her worry.

The joke is on me. I worry now because one of my children is just as headstrong as I was and I am quite sure he will do the same to me that I did to her. Not because he will hate me, but because he wants to do what he wants to do, and anyone who gets in his way is just a casualty.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 8:59 pm

The relationship I have with my mother has always been very complex.
As a middle child and following a severely autistic older sibling I was born into a difficult situation. I believe my mother had me simply to prove to herself that she was capable of birthing a "mentally healthy" baby.
I was ignored a lot simply because her older child required so much attention.

My mother is very renown in the orthodox world and travels the world lecturing on various topics of Jewish interest.

Today I am a grown woman and am still working on accepting the fact that my mother never loved me and never will love me.

I am a mature adult and I recently ran into my childhood best friend's mom at a store when visiting NYC.
This was the woman I FANTASIZED as having as my REAL mother. I asked her IF she felt my mom was an unfit mother who ignored me and belittled me at every opportunity. She wouldn't look me in the eye and she was very uncomfortable. JUST TELL ME I pleaded and finally she relented and told me she always felt sorry for me as a young girl. That's why she always included me in her family outings. I went to their house every single shabbpos afternoon for 10 years.

When she finally admitted the ugly truth instead of crying I breathed a sigh of relief.

It is not in my head.
Other adults witnessed what Ilived with on a day to day basis.
They just didn't intervene except to show me the love my mother couldn't show me.

Today my mother has NO relationship with my kids.
I wouldn't give her the opportunity to belittle them.

Today she is even more angry with me because I withheld my kids.

I don't feel I had much of a chocie.
When we do go visit my kids are appalled with the way she addresses me.
She si brusque, terse and quite frankly mean.

She speaks to the rest of my siblings very differently.
This thread just makes me sad.

I learned a long, long, time ago that going to my mother for love is like going to Home Depot looking for milk and eggs.

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 12:25 am

An other amother here who had a distant mother & never really felt the warm love and unconditional acceptance that people talk about. I can't even remember being held or hugged by my mother as a young child.

I'm not sure if I loved her then, I didn't actively rebel against her. Too busy being a good girl & trying to be acknowledged & loved. Well, that didn't work.

I was always seeking to please people & found other "mother figures" to learn from.

It feels sad, even as a grown woman, when I see other women who feel close to their moms & feel loved. Even my husband had a close, warm mother & I just don't know what that's like.

It makes it hard to know how to be close & warm with my own children. & I have no idea how it should look or feel with teens.

Like an other poster said, with a mom like this, there is no sense in trying to win her love or get any emotional support or closure. It's just not there.

& I don't love her either, now.

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 2:47 am

This topic really struck a nerve with me.
My mom was a good mom, she cared for us.

But her and I , di and still have a complicated relationsdhip although she is wonderful to my husband and kids and I treasure their relationship.

But when I was a teenager all I wanted was someone to confide in. I was lonely and a deep thinker and I really needed a listening ear. I needed a hug and someone to tell me that I was great and it was all going to be ok. Someone who would be proud of me and instill me with confidence. Unfortunatly my mother did not have the capacity for that. Years down the line I am still resentful that she did not tell me about getting my period and I didn't feel comfortable to tell her.

I have a daughter, she is still young but I try my best to give her what my mom couldn't give me. I'm very demonstritive and affectionate and I want to create a relationship of trust that if she needs me, I'll be there for her, and she'll feel comfortable.

I don't hold it against my mother, she is not a very emotional person and I am(probably the reason her and my dad divorced.)

It just taught me how I should be different.

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 5:26 am

I hated my mom when I was a teenager. She was a mean controlling person who alienated all her siblings and their spouses except for mine. She further alienated many of her grandchildren.

I grew to love her. As I got older I realized she was mean because she was so hurt as a person and craved the very love she was denied because of her behavior. I gave her all the love and respect she craved. We got really close. My children loved her unconditionally. She treated my children the way I treated her. She once told me it was to make up to me. I guess all those years of telling her she was a rotten neglectful mother paid off.

Someone damaged that woman to make her lash out at people the way she did.

We got very close close years before she was nifta. I spent everyday with her. BH I had those years. I miss her everyday and my heart has a big hole in it.

Unfortunately, she damaged my siblings and they never got a chance to heal. When I was appalled by their behavior, my husband told me I used to be like them when we were first married.

It is of supreme importance to me the cycle is truly broken and my kids are brought up in a home filled with love and stability.

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 8:57 am

I had a very strained relationship with both of my parents, especially my mother. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with no open emotions besides for anger and hatred.
I always went to friends and neighbors homes to get a feeling of a loving home, and through that I was able to build my own healthy home B"H.
through forgiving her because she wasn't capable of doing anything better, I learnt to like her for what she is and build a respectful but distant relationship now.
the crazy part is that she is now dying of cancer and I don't know how to deal with that!
how can I hold her hand? or give her courage when I don't connect to her emotionally?? I always dreaded the moment when she will be dependent on me, and here it is!
my siblings are able to deal with it much better...